As a former therapist I know just how satisfying it feels to guide a client to an insight. I used to think "Now they understand how their current behaviour relates to their childhood experiences of emotional neglect, so they will now find it easy to change!" But, you know what, those long conversations didn't actually lead to a whole lot of change. I think they were based on a misunderstanding of what needs to happen in therapy.
William Miller (founder of an approach called Motivational Interviewing) discovered that some therapists do a much better job at helping their clients
to change than others. Miller studied the differences between effective
and ineffective therapists and found that the highly effective therapists:
- Were good at empathic listening and were genuinely interested in understanding the client’s perspective
- Coached the client to explore the pros and cons of change and helped them to make their own decision about whether they wanted to change
- When the client resisted the idea of change, the effective therapists ‘rolled with that resistance’ rather than arguing with the client.
- Had a respectful stance
- Honoring the client’s autonomy – the client gets to choose whether they change or not, and as adults, they take responsibility for the consequences of their choice.
- Viewing the client as the expert in their life. They didn’t talk down to the client but took a collaborative approach where they worked together to figure out what to do next.
So, here is my advice, if you want good therapy:
- Look for a therapist who treats you and your perspective with respect
- Avoid therapists who argue with you; make you wrong or talk down to you
- Avoid therapists who want to spend hours working out how your parents/childhood messed you up
- Ask for the research evidence that supports the approach they are taking.
