9 Reasons Why People Get Rejected for Being Too Nice

Sometimes people tell me that they seem to be repeatedly rejected by potential partners because they are 'too nice'. 

This is confusing and leaves the recipient of this feedback wondering whether they need to become less nice if they are to attract a partner.

I think that it is actually rare that the problem is that the person is too nice.


Instead, if this happens to you, it might be helpful to consider the following questions:

• You might have a tendency to choose damaged people who are uncomfortable when they are treated well. If this happens recurrently then you might need to pause and get some help to develop a more workable approach to relationships.
• Perhaps you are creating an unpleasant feeling of obligation in the other person because you always do more for them than they do for you? This is called a reciprocation debt.
• Are you inadvertently communicating a sense that you are nice because you lack confidence in yourself? You don't think you are worthy of love unless you are being nice all the time.
• Are you avoiding expressing your needs and wants? This means that the other person has to do a lot of work guessing what you really want and never gets the opportunity to be generous to you. (for example: If you are assertive and tell me that you want to watch a different TV show to the one I want to watch, then I can say 'Let's watch your show' and feel good about my generosity - giving tends to make us happier than getting) .
• Do you avoid making decisions? It is tiring for your partner to always be the one making the decision. 
• Are you too passive? Do you ever make the first move? If you don't take this risk, is it because you want to avoid being rejected?
• Do you avoid expressing passion and tend to stay safe? (read this poem!)
• Do you use 'being nice' as a way of avoiding authenticity? Perhaps you aren't willing to be vulnerable?

I think that a lot of these behaviours are about trying to avoid the risk of rejection. Sadly, when our focus is on avoiding emotional pain rather than on genuine, authentic connection we actually often seem to make it more likely we will be rejected.

My suggestion here is to get some clarity about who you want to be in a relationship. Decide on your relationship values. Then work out how 'being nice' fits with those values. When we are being kind, generous and compassionate as an expression of who we truly want to be in the world it feels quite different to when we are 'being nice' to try to avoid rejection or risk.

Becoming Less 'Needy'

Neediness is both a feeling and an action.

We all get the feeling at times but we behave differently in response to the feeling.

So the first step in becoming less needy is to give yourself permission to feel needy.  Neediness comes from a desire to be loved and a fear of rejection. These are core parts of being human. Refusing to allow yourself to have these feelings is rejecting your own vulnerable humanity. People who refuse to acknowledge these feelings in themselves can have a tendency to act them out - perhaps by being rejecting, arrogant, demanding or manipulative. It isn't pretty.

The next step is to get a sense of whether your feelings of neediness are out of porportion to the threat in the situation. It might be perfectly reasonable to feel needy if your partner rarely wants to spend time with you and repeatedly compares you unfavourably to a co-worker. This is where you get a chance to test the quality of your friendships. If you ask genuine friends for their honest opinion, they will tell you when you are being unreasonable. If you decide that your needs are reasonable then ask in a straightforward way. Don't drop hints. Don't use it as a test. Just ask directly with kindness and self respect.

'Our relationship is really important to me, I know that you are very busy but I am missing you. Can we come up with a plan so we get to spend more time together?'


Accept that sometimes others can't meet our legitimate needs. But if it is a repetitive pattern, you may need to set some boundaries. For example:

'This is the second time you have cancelled a date at the last minute because you needed to work late with Kelly. I understand that you are busy and under a lot of pressure at the moment but if you don't give me enough notice of the change in plans it is hard for me to make other arrangements. Are you able to either keep your commitments to me or give me more notice of a change in plan? If not, then I think it might be best for me to make my own plans for the weekend without you.If we both happen to be free then we can see each other. I don't want to do that, as I really enjoy being with you but I can't think of another option. '

If, however, you come to the conclusion that your expectations of the other person are unreasonable then you may need to accept the needy feelings without acting on them. Instead, lean in to yourself with compassion and see if you can mindfully let the feelings rise and fall like waves and see if you can find other ways of getting your need for love and companionship met.

Using Mindfulness to Improve Relationships

Do you think you know the back of your hand? What do you think it would be like to spend 5 minutes mindfully looking at the back of your hand?

Russ Harris ran this exercise at his recent 'Happiness Trap' workshop. He has a free MP3 of it here if you want to give it a go.

As I did this activity, I discovered that I didn't know the back of my hand at all.  I probably haven't really looked at my hand properly since I was a toddler. It has changed somewhat since then! And some of the miracles that fascinated me when I was tiny are still there - look at your knuckles, they are amazing!

How does this relate to relationships?

Over time, we become accustomed to the important people in our lives. We assume we know who they are. It is easy to stop really hearing or seeing them. What this activity taught me was to really work to be present and curious with the people I love. And every time I forget, I notice the back of my hand and remind myself that if I love this person then they deserve my mindful attention.

How to Become More Secure

Attachment research is currently a hot topic in psychology. Apparently we can be divided into three attachment styles:

Secure – Warm; comfortable with closeness and intimacy; find it easy to express loving feelings. Tend to have positive feelings about themselves and their partners. 
Anxious - Worry about whether their partner loves them enough and whether they might be abandoned. Tend to be preoccupied with the relationship. Tend to be highly vigilant for signs of lack of approval from their partner and can become overly dependent. They can respond impulsively to their feelings of anxiety.
Avoidant – Feels uncomfortable being close, fears losing their independence. If they get rejected they will tend to distance themselves. They can either be dismissive, and see themselves as not needing close relationships, or fearful and have feelings of ambivalence; both wanting and avoiding closeness at the same time.

Our attachment style is learnt in our early interactions with our parents. Secure parents tend to raise secure children, unpredictable parents tend to raise anxious or avoidant children. However, later experiences can influence our attachment style – lots of rejection or disappointment in relationships can tend to make us more anxious and avoidant; which in turn can make rejection and disappointment more likely. A long term secure relationship can lift our levels of security.

You can take a test here to find what your attachment style is.

Understanding your style and the style of your partner (or prospective partner) can be incredibly useful. If I know I have a tendency to be anxious or avoidant, it might be wise to spend some time considering who I want to be as a partner and then create a 'relationship values statement' for myself (an example of mine is at the end of this earlier post). I can then use Russ Harris’ three questions to help me choose how I will respond when impulses to cling or reject arise. The questions are:

Am I:

1. Moving towards my values or away from my values?

2. Allowing private experience (thoughts, impulses, memories) or avoiding private experience? When we reject or hyper-vigilantly seek reassurance, it is often because we don't want to sit with some painful thoughts or feelings.
3. Connected with the here and now or disconnected from the here and now? Sometimes our impulse to move away is sensible (we are being treated badly) and sometimes it doesn't relate to what is happening in the real world but is more a response to a story our mind has created ('People always leave me in the end', 'When she gets to know me, she will know I am not good enough'). It is invaluable to become skilful at noticing the difference between observable facts and our mind's interpretation of events.

Research on behaviour change suggests that doing some 'If..then' planning can also be useful when we want to adopt a new approach.  What this means is that we take some time to think of situations that are likely to trigger the unwanted behaviour and plan an alternative approach.  For example: My partner calls and says he is feeling tired and cancels our date, I feel rejected and become anxious. My impulse might be to become needy 'If you cared about me, you would want to come over' or avoidant 'That is fine, I am busy anyway'.  If...then planning involves developing a plan for these situations. So I might plan to respond instead with 'Oh, I was looking forward to spending some time with you. Do you want to spend the evening alone or would you like me to come over to your place?'.

The Happy Couple's Secret Weapon - According to John Gottman

In his extensive research, John Gottman has found that there are a number of key differences between happy and unhappy couples.

One of these differences relates to the presence of 'repair attempts' during arguments. When happy couples argue, if the conflict starts to escalate, one of them will break the tension. They might make a joke, apologise; express empathy or even suggest taking a break from the discussion. In happy couples the other partner responds positively to a repair attempt - treating it as a genuine effort to make things better.

The key here is that this is a two step process:

1. one of the pair makes a peace offering 
2. the other person notices it and responds positively.

Dealing with The Valentines Day Blues

Valentines Day almost inevitably draws our attention to our romantic relationships. All the hearts and flowers and hoopla have the tendency to make our minds compare the current level of romance in our lives with what we want that part of our life to be like.

If there is a gap between what we want and what we are experiencing then we feel sad, hurt, sometimes even angry.

So how to deal with that pain? Here are some tips:

1. Acknowledge that it is reasonable to feel pain when an important aspect of your life isn't the way you want it to be. This doesn't mean you are weak or don't have the right attitude. It means that you are human.
2. Be very kind to yourself. This is a time for self compassion. And when you are ready...
3. Spend some time thinking about what you want. But here is an important twist. Instead of focussing on what you want Prince or Princess Charming to be like, focus on what qualities you want to bring to a relationship.  What sort of partner do you want to be?
4. Now think about how you could live at least some of those values straight away. See if you can keep gently bringing your attention back to the question 'Am I living my values?' rather than 'Is my life the way I want it to be?'
5. And when you do find a possible Prince or Princess Charming, notice whether being around them seems to make it easier or harder to be the person you want to be. If living those values is really difficult with this particular person, then, for you, they may just be a frog. 

Here is an excerpt from my own romantic relationship values statement:

I want to be affectionate, kind, authentic and curious. I want to laugh easily and look for opportunities to have fun with my partner. I want to resolve disagreements with grace. I want to express my wants and needs directly and accept that sometimes my partner will need to say 'no' to meeting those wants and needs. I want to look for opportunities to do things that are likely to make my partner happy and also I want to know when I need to say 'no' (and say it gracefully). I want to be mindful.....

Do I live those values all the time? Nope.  Do I find that using those statements as a compass to guide my behaviour helps me to more often be the person I want to be? Absolutely. And has that made my life better? Well, so far, so good.

Using the 'Dependency Paradox' to Make Yourself More Attractive

I'm starting with three assumptions here:

1. Being needy is usually unattractive to emotionally healthy people
2. We all get needy at times
3. We tend to get especially needy when we are anxious that our needs aren't going to get met.

In Scientific American Mind, Amir Levine and Rachel Heller explore the ‘dependency paradox’. They found that the more people can depend on their partner, the more ‘independent and creative’ they become. This is a bit like how little children with reliable parents tend to feel secure and are more confident about venturing into the world. They know that Mum or Dad will still be there when they return, so they can happily explore.

Levine and Heller’s finding is important – it resonates with my third point. In a cruel twist of fate, when we most want to find someone who will love us; when we feel desperate and dateless; it is then that we are at our least attractive. Potential partners can sense our neediness (even if we try to hide it) and run a mile.


We know that neediness isn’t attractive (except to rescuers, and that never ends well). And we also know that being dateless seems to make us more needy.  Aaargh!

So what is to be done? Common advice here is to become comfortable with being alone. But I think that Levine and Heller's research suggests that it might be wiser to acknowledge that our needs aren't being met and make practical plans to deal with this.

Regular readers will be unsurprised to discover that I think that Mindfulness might be helpful here. When needy feelings arise, notice them with compassion. Don’t try to squish them away or tell yourself you are wrong to feel that way. We all feel needy at times. This is a time to be very, very kind to yourself. Then decide – Shall I ask for some support from a loved one (again with an attitude of openness – they are allowed to say ‘No’) or shall I soothe myself? If you aren't good at soothing yourself, then I recommend this book.

I have been critical of therapy in this blog. However, I think that for some people, a long term supportive relationship with a reliable and compassionate therapist can be incredibly helpful. The trick here is to discern helpful from unhelpful therapy. Consider the question: ‘Does my relationship with this therapist make me feel less or more needy?’ Levine and Heller report that:

‘Most men and women are as needy as their unmet needs. When their emotional needs are met, they usually turn their attention outwards’.

 Sometimes good therapy can enable people who are prone to neediness to feel a little more secure. This lessening of their needy behaviour then allows others in their life to feel safe to be more supportive and creates a virtuous cycle.

Creatively getting unmet needs met.  If there are unmet needs (perhaps for emotional closeness, affection, belonging, praise) in your life that seem to be driving your feelings of neediness, see if you can come up with a creative solution. There is a reason that elderly ladies who live alone have cats! Regular massage lowers stress and improves well being. The research on religion suggests that people who practice their religion by going to Church/the synagogue/the mosque, being part of the community and performing acts of service have improved well being.  

The bottom line is, don't just sit there feeling lonely and needy - being alone will probably make you feel worse. Instead, be very, very kind to yourself and know that finding a constructive way to meet those dependency needs will likely make you less needy and more attractive.

Goals That Increase Well Being

It is coming up to New Year. So here is a finding that gives some clues as to what might be wise to include in our New Year’s resolutions – if we want to increase our level of well being!


Park, Petersen and Seligman found the following values to be consistently associated with life satisfaction:

1. Hope (optimism, future-mindedness, future orientation)
2. Zest for Life (vitality, enthusiasm, vigor, energy)
3. Gratitude (awareness and thankfulness of good things)
4. Capacity to Love and be Loved (valuing close relationships)
5. Curiosity (interest, novelty seeking, openness to experience)

Whatever goals you set yourself - see if you can weave in at least one of these values.

Vulnerability and Connection

Truly wonderful TED talk by Brene Brown on vulnerability and connection.

She describes her research on 'the whole hearted'.  She found that they demonstrate:

• the courage to be imperfect
• compassion - for self and others
• connection to others as a result of authenticity
• willingness to fully embrace vulnerability as a necessary part of a life well-lived.

'In order for connection to happen we have to allow ourselves to be seen....really seen'

Becoming More Like My Ideal Self - The Part of Me that You Bring Out

I love you not only for what you are, but for what I am when I am with you. I love you not only for what you have made of yourself, but for what you are making of me. I love you for the part of me that you bring out.

— Elizabeth Barrett Browning

We can all relate to this feeling of becoming a better person in the presence of the one we love. In The Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, Caryl Rusbult, Eli Finkel and Madoka Kumashiro explore this.  They state that: 

'In harmonious relationships, close partners promote one another’s ideal selves, and each person is likely to move closer to achieving his or her ideals' (Drigotas, Rusbult, Wieselquist, & Whitton, 1999)

So how do we help each other to become closer to our 'ideal' self?

1. Clarify what your ideal self is like. Who do you want to be in the world? What sort of partner, parent, friend, worker etc? Explore this with your partner with openness and curiosity. You are not trying to change each other but support each other in moving in a freely chosen direction.
2. Support each other by:
• Validating the dream 
• Encouraging each other to go for it. Often uncomfortable emotions hold us back - realistic encouragement from a trusted partner can make all the difference.
• Responding positively to attempts to enact new behaviours in line with those ideals - even if the attempt doesn't get the desired outcome.
• Showing compassion when either of you fail to behave in line with those values - whatever you do, don't become the 'values police'. 
• Acting as if your partner has those qualities already - people tend to live up (or down) to our expectations of them
• Displaying the behaviour yourself
• Being a supportive voice of reason - when a plan looks doomed to fail, help each other to brainstorm a more realistic but optimistic plan. 

When I am 80

I recently went to a 'Happiness Trap' workshop run by Russ Harris.  One of the exercises we did that has stayed with me was this:
Imagine it is your 80th birthday and three people who are important to you come to see you.  You have a special mind reading machine and can tune in to their thoughts and hear what they really think about you - what you meant to them, how you have influenced them, what are their strongest memories of you. What would you want them to think?
Give yourself a moment to drop into those thoughts - who do you really want to be when you grow up?

When I think of my grandmother I think of how easily she laughed; how gentle she was when she told people if they had upset her; how she was still learning to play the violin when she was in her 70's; how she was very quick to give praise; how she didn't sweat the small stuff (she thought ironing and tidying up were a complete waste of time); how she showed us all how very much she loved us.

That seems like a life well lived to me.

When all else has been stripped away this remains

'Your life feels different on you, once you greet death and understand your heart's position. You wear your life like a garment from the mission bundle sale ever after -- lightly because you realize you never paid nothing for it, cherishing because you know you won't ever come by such a bargain again.'- Louise Erdrich

In my twenties I was a junior hospital doctor. The nature of that work is that you spend a lot of time with people who are close to death. And the experience taught me two things - firstly, to cherish life, as you never know when it will end, and secondly, that those who had loved well and put effort into something that they were passionate about seemed to face death with more ease than those who had focussed on gathering wealth and status.

There was a beautiful show on Radio 4 some years ago called 'Advice to the Living' which was advice from people with terminal disease. I still remember one of the people saying:

'Am I loved?  Am I loving well?  When all else has been stripped away this will still remain'

Advice to live by.

Mindful Listening

‘to be quiet and still for each other, to regard each other with attention, patience and openness...to provide moments of full attention, engagement and connection’

Love and Pain

As Seen on DB drew my attention to this heart wrenching video of US soldiers surprising their loved ones.



Watching it is bitter sweet - so happy for them to be reunited with their loved ones and share their joy but in so many faces you can also see the pain of having worried so much about a loved one in danger.

It made me sad - when will we humans be able to put away our battle-dress and live in peace?

Love as an Action

''A more helpful way to think about love...think of love as an action.  The feeling of love comes and goes on a whim, you can't control it.  But the action of love is something you can do regardless of how you are feeling.''
When you are annoyed with your partner ''reconnect with your values: remember the sort of partner you want to be and the sort of relationship you want to build. And then you need to take action.'' pg 13

A Wise Relationship with Life

''The longing for love and the movement of love is underneath all of our activities.  The happiness we discover in life is not about possessing or owning or even understanding.  Instead, it is the discovery of this capacity to love, to have loving, free and wise relationship with all of life"

Jack Kornfield quoted in 'Calming your Anxious Mind'  pg 138

Bob Marley on Love

Just came across this by accident

"He's not perfect. You aren't either, and the two of you will never be perfect. But if he can make you laugh at least once, causes you to think twice, and if he admits to being human and making mistakes, hold onto him and give him the most you can. He isn't going to quote poetry. He's not thinking about you every moment, but he will give you a part of him that he knows you could break. Don't hurt him, don't change him, and don't expect more than he can give. Don't analyze. Smile when he makes you happy, yell when he makes you mad, and miss him when he's not there. Love hard when there is love to be had. Because perfect guys don't exist, but there's always one guy who is perfect for you."

Bob Marley

Very wise!