Would You Kill Hitler? Some Thoughts on Kids and TV

’If you could go back in time, would you kill Hitler?’ A few months ago my 16 year old daughter and I were having dinner with some friends and we started to discuss this question. My response was ‘Yes, I think that killing is wrong but think of the lives you could save’.

My daughter, Ellie, however, came up with a much more thoughtful answer, she said, ‘No, because Hitler has had such a huge impact on the world. Killing Hitler would change history and we don’t know in which direction. Someone else may have taken over the Nazi party and the Nazi’s might have won the war. What Hitler did has served as a warning to us of what people are capable of. It taught us of the dangers of racism and prejudice. We don’t know how the world would be changed if Hitler had been killed.’

I was gobsmacked. Where did this complex reasoning come from? Had she covered this in school? No. She got this from watching Dr Who. Ellie said that she learnt from Dr Who that there are points in time which can’t be changed because changing them changes the whole course of history.

Todd Kashdan wrote a great post on differentiating the form of a behaviour, in this case, watching television, from the function.  Television can just be Valium for our kids – keeping them quiet whilst we have a break (and sometimes we do need a break!) - but it can also be thought provoking. It can help to build maturity, perspective taking and reasoning skills.

I think that our job as parents is to get involved – to sit and watch the shows that interest our children and then talk about what happened. But (and this point is important) we need to show genuine interest in their view.  It can’t be like those cringe worthy ‘teaching moments’ they have in sitcoms where Mum says, ‘And what have we learnt from that?’. Instead we need to be curious and treat their opinion as valid. If we do that, I think we can make the most of that incredible window on the world that sits in the corner of the lounge room.

Emotion Differentiation as Resilience Against Excessive Alcohol Use — Psychological Science

Emotion Differentiation as Resilience Against Excessive Alcohol Use — Psychological Science

'Some people are adept at using discrete emotion categories (anxious, angry, sad) to capture their felt experience; other people merely communicate how good or bad they feel. We theorized that people who are better at describing their emotions might be less likely to self-medicate with alcohol. During a 3-week period, 106 underage social drinkers used handheld computers to self-monitor alcohol intake. From participants’ reported experiences during random prompts, we created an individual difference measure of emotion differentiation. Results from a 30-day timeline follow-back revealed that people with intense negative emotions consumed less alcohol if they were better at describing emotions and less reliant on global descriptions.'

Todd Kashdan is doing some fantastic research.  This study suggests that if we don't want our kids to binge drink in response to painful emotions then we need to teach them to be able to accurately name what they are feeling. 

Digging into that  - what exactly do we need to teach them?

1. To be good at getting present with themselves - dropping in on themselves and noticing their thoughts and feelings
2. To have a diverse emotion vocabulary - not just angry but also frustrated, irritated, bored, furious, resentful, bitter, exasperated, indignant, offended - and to know the subtle differences between these feelings

And how do we teach it:

1. Be open and curious and present with them - ask them about how they are feeling and help them tease it out, so they get good at being open and curious about their emotions
2. Model appropriate expression of painful emotions. Don't just pretend that everything is OK.  When you feel painful emotions talk it through with them - what you feel and what triggered the feeling
3. Model appropriate responses to painful emotions - show them that we don't have to act out or suppress painful emotions. We can feel the emotion, be compassionate to ourselves and  pause before we choose actions based on what is important to us.

The Downside of Trying to Control our Emotions

Everyday Strivings in War Veterans With Posttraumatic Stress Disorder: Suffering From a Hyper-Focus on Avoidance and Emotion Regulation by Todd Kashdan, William Breen and Terri Julian
This article is part of some developing evidence suggesting that focussing on controlling our emotions is counter-productive.  They found that in veterans:

"devoting finite time and energy in daily life to regulating emotions was associated with less purpose,  meaning, and joy"'

It seems that focussing on who we want to be and what we want our life to stand for, is much more likely to lead to a joyful life than trying to avoid painful emotions.