How To Stop Your Kids From Becoming Drug Abusing Delinquents

Research on how to rear happy, healthy kids is becoming pretty impressive - here are the top tips from the research:

1. Protect them from emotional, physical and sexual abuse
2. Protect them from cruel environments (teasing, criticism, harsh punishment)
3. Sort out conflict between parents in kindhearted and effective ways
4. If either parent becomes depressed, do something about it
5. Don't use coercion and harsh punishment to try to control their behaviour instead be warm and flexible
6. Feed them Omega 3 supplements
7. Teach and encourage kind and empathic behaviour by prompting it (Sarah, how do you think Kate is feeling? Do you think she needs a hug?'); noticing and praising it ('David, you were so kind to play Barbie with Katie. She looked so happy.') and modelling it yourself. 
8. Send them to a school that encourages kind and empathic behaviour.
9. Give them attention. Play with them, chat with them, be interested and caring.
10. Notice when they do the right thing. It can be so easy to react when kids do the wrong thing and ignore it when they get things right, consciously try to focus on what they get right whilst also dealing with any poor behaviour.
11. When they are learning new and difficult behaviours, such as sharing their toys or handling conflict well, break it down into small steps and set up some form of reward system (like a sticker chart) but don't overuse external rewards.
12. Where possible give them choices (and coach them to understand the likely consequences of those choices).
13. Make sure they are supervised after school - including in their teenage years.
14. Encourage them to be mindful.
15. Help them to choose their values and then encourage them to make decisions in line with their values.

If you have young children then I highly recommend the Triple P program which is summarised in this book. Not only does it have strong evidence to support it but also I used it with my kids and they would both say it was a good approach! What more proof do you need!

How to Be More Attractive

Research has shown that only a small proportion of our attractiveness is determined by fixed physical qualities. This is good news!
So how can you make the best of yourself?

1. Be kind and likeable - according to David Sloan Wilson (and common sense!) we find people we like, more attractive. If you aren't sure how likeable you are, then take the free IPIP- NEO personality test and check out your score on agreeableness.
2. Present yourself well - clean, well-groomed, nice hair, nice clothes, healthy weight 
3. Be trustworthy but not boring. If you think you might be boring then read this poem - I guarantee that if you live your life in this way, you won't be boring!
4. Be happy, positive and friendly
5. If you are a woman - wear your hair long and wear subtle make up
6. If you are a man - go to the gym and get muscular!

Much of this post is drawn from this blog on the science of attraction.

Your Brain Has Two Routes to Happiness

At the level of brain chemistry it seems there are two types of happiness:

1. Feeling emotionally secure, calm and peaceful.
2. Feeling excited, seeking achievement or 'resources' (money, possessions, food, sex etc)

The first type of happiness tends to arise most commonly when we feel cared for or we show caring to ourselves or others. When we feel we belong and are accepted.  

The second type of happiness arises when we pursue goals - at work, playing sport, shopping etc.

The first (feeling calm and safe) is associated with increased wellbeing.  If you struggle to feel calm, peaceful and safe the best route seems to be to build self -compassion.  One way of moving towards self compassion is to practice loving kindness meditation.

What Do You Want the Next 10 Years to Be Like?

In your life, do you:
Get into 'flow'- where you feel so deeply absorbed in what you are doing that you hardly notice time passing?
Do things that feel deeply meaningful to you?
Express and receive love and friendship?
Feel joy?
Achieve things that feel worthwhile to you?

According to Martin Seligman these are the foundations of a life well-lived. If these things have been happening in your life fairly consistently you are likely to be flourishing. If they aren't happening often enough for you - what do you need to do for the next 10 years of your life to be different?

Count Your Acts of Kindness

For the next week, keep a record of the number of times you are kind to others. Otake et al (2006) found that doing this simple activity, for one week, lifted people's levels of happiness for at least a month.
They also found that people who naturally combined this activity with: doing more acts of kindness towards others and feeling more gratitude for kind acts from others towards themselves; experienced even larger increases in happiness:

The Well Being Equivalent of 5 Fruit and Vegetables a Day

The Foresight Mental Capital and Wellbeing Project aimed to, amongst other things, 'identify the wellbeing equivalent of “five fruit and vegetables a day”.' Based on an extensive review of the evidence they came up with:

1. Connect… with the people around you. 

2. Be active… find a physical activity you enjoy that suits your level of mobility and fitness... and do it!

3. Take notice… be curious. Savour each moment. Reflect on your experiences to help you appreciate what really matters to you.

4. Keep learning… try something new. Rediscover an old interest. Set a challenge you enjoy achieving. 

5. Give … practice intentional acts of kindness. Show gratitude. 

Nice.  These truths about how to live a good life are fairly obvious. It interests me how often I need to be reminded of them if I am to actually do them.

I would also add a sixth 'serving'  - without this one, the others are pretty meaningless: 

6. Develop Psychological Flexibility:

The ability to contact the present moment

fully and without defence

as a conscious human being

engaged in life as it is – not as your mind says it is –

and, based on what the situation affords,

changing or persisting in behaviour

in the service of chosen values (Steve Hayes)

The evidence for the association between psychological flexibility and emotional well being is becoming pretty compelling.  

Dance Whilst You Can!

Mum and Dad in the days
when they would dance all night

My Mum just got invited to a New Year's Eve party and she said to me 'I realised that I wouldn't enjoy it as much as I used to when I was younger because I can't dance all night any more, and I felt sad about that'.
Her advice:

'Make sure that whilst you are fit enough to dance all night, you do it. A time will come when you can't - that time is much easier to accept if you made the most of your health when you had it'.

When I am 80

I recently went to a 'Happiness Trap' workshop run by Russ Harris.  One of the exercises we did that has stayed with me was this:
Imagine it is your 80th birthday and three people who are important to you come to see you.  You have a special mind reading machine and can tune in to their thoughts and hear what they really think about you - what you meant to them, how you have influenced them, what are their strongest memories of you. What would you want them to think?
Give yourself a moment to drop into those thoughts - who do you really want to be when you grow up?

When I think of my grandmother I think of how easily she laughed; how gentle she was when she told people if they had upset her; how she was still learning to play the violin when she was in her 70's; how she was very quick to give praise; how she didn't sweat the small stuff (she thought ironing and tidying up were a complete waste of time); how she showed us all how very much she loved us.

That seems like a life well lived to me.

If You Want to Improve Your Life Satisfaction

A large German prospective study, lasting 15 years, suggests that if we want to increase our life satisfaction then we need to:

1. Focus on becoming more extroverted and less neurotic  - more on that in another post
2. Pursue goals relating to
• Family life: building a happy marriage, developing good relationships with our children, and,
• Altruism: building friendships, helping others, social and political activism.

Whereas pursuing 'success' goals (career success and material gains) actually leads to decreasing life satisfaction.

It isn't rocket science is it?  But there is a lot of cultural pressure encouraging us to put energy into 'success goals' so it is good to keep being reminded that it really doesn't lead to more happiness. However, my instinct is that balance is the key here. I think that we can assume that most of the study participants were working, which actually means that the study found that adding goals around relationships and altruism increased well being.

Life is Better with a Co-pilot

In a delightful interaction in the movie 'Up In The Air', Ryan, played by George Clooney, is asked to speak to his niece's fiancé who is having cold feet about getting married. Ryan says:

 'If you think about it, your favourite memories, the most important moments in your life...were you alone?  Life's better with company, everybody needs a co-pilot'

He is of course, right.   Pavot,  Diener,  and  Fujita (1990) found that people experience more positive feelings on average when they are with others than when alone and married people report greater happiness than those who have never married or are divorced or widowed.
But some tips:

• The co-pilot doesn't have to be a romantic partner - they could be a dear friend or relative
• Sometimes a co-pilot isn't available, so it is important to be able to fly your plane alone
• Whether you do have a co-pilot to share your happy moments with or not, remember to savor them (Byant & Veroff 2007).  Savoring involves anticipating future pleasures (through planning and discussion with others); experiencing present pleasures (through mindfulness); and reminiscing about past pleasures (sharing stories and pictures). 

Does Money Make Us Happy?

Wealth and happiness across the world: material pr... [J Pers Soc Psychol. 2010] - PubMed result

In this huge survey with 136,839 participants (who were a representative sample of the population of the world), Diener et al found.

'Satisfaction with standard of living was a significantly stronger predictor of life evaluation than of feelings, whereas psychological need fulfilment significantly more strongly predicted positive feelings than evaluations of life.'

Which means that the more money you earn, the higher you are likely to rate your current life on a 0-10 scale (where 0 = worst possible life and 10 = best possible life). However, income is only moderately linked to positive feelings. Positive feelings (whether you smiled or laughed yesterday or felt feelings of enjoyment) are much more influenced by 'psychological need fulfilment'.  Psychological need fulfilment is about whether you have family or friends you could count on in an emergency, and also, whether, when you think about yesterday, you:

• Felt you were treated with respect 
• Learned something new
• Did what you do best, and, 
• Chose how your time was spent. 

What is Your Calling?

Martin Seligman differentiates between a job, a career and a calling.
This list of questions is a useful frame of reference that can help identify a calling.
Integrity
Is this something I care about deeply?  Is it in line with my values? Would I be proud of doing this?
Who am I?
Service
How can I make this world a better place?
Enjoyment
What gives my talents full expression?
What do I love to do?
Excellence
What can I dedicate to enough to persist to excellence?


A calling doesn't have to be paid employment and it doesn't have to be prestigious work but it does have to have a zing of passion and energy about it.

The Risk/Regret Tipping Point

 ''We are it seems, exquisitely wired to avoid taking risks, and we would prefer to preserve the pleasant status quo at all times rather than take the risk that we could make our circumstances worse...(however) there is a tipping point, after a few years, where we stop feeling regrets about what hasn't worked and instead have more regrets about the choices we haven't had the courage to pursue.  This point occurs somewhere between the third and seventh year after we've taken a risk that didn't work out and instead of being sad about the outcome, we become grateful that we had the nerve to go after something meaningful or hard''

When you have to make a scary decision, ask yourself ''Whether this goes right or wrong, which choice will I feel good about in seven years time?''

School Gardening Boosts Children's Wellbeing And Development

A new study suggests that incorporating gardening into the education children receive at school boosts their wellbeing, learning and development and helps equip them for many of the challenges of adult life.

Some of my happiest childhood memories are of spending Saturday afternoons gardening with my father - reading this study makes me think I should have been a little more persuasive about getting my own children to join me in the garden.

Focussing on Doing Good

My Dad recently gave me the following advice.

'You have to focus your attention outside yourself. If you focus internally too much then you send yourself crazy.  Focus on what you can do to help people.  What you can do to make the world a better place.' 

Dad was a family doctor in a rural area in the UK.  Whenever I go home, people still come up to me and say: 'You are Dr Collis's daughter aren't you? He was such a wonderful doctor.  He was so kind to me when...'

I think that is a pretty good testament to a life well-lived.

Evidence Based Strategies to Build Well Being

Here is a list of some evidence based interventions for improving well being

• Behavioural Activation – doing things that are fun, meaningful and/or give a sense of achievement even if you don't much feel like it! 
• Exercise – especially outside in nature
• Positive psychology – there is nice research on how positive psychology interventions (3 good things, expressing gratitude, using strengths, acts of kindness, savouring pleasures etc) work to build levels of happiness and even get rid of depression. A nice place to start with that is the live happy app. Be aware that ‘positive thinking’ isn’t positive psychology
• Mindfulness Meditation
• Loving kindness Meditation
• Identifying and acting on values. (The brief bullseye is good activity to do to start thinking about your values)
• Building relationship skills – happy relationships are a very important factor in determining happiness
• Setting and working towards meaningful goals

Positive Psychology News Daily � Yes, I Stand by My Words, “Happiness Equals Love—Full Stop”

Positive Psychology News Daily � Yes, I Stand by My Words, “Happiness Equals Love—Full Stop”: George Vaillant, Professor of Psychiatry at Harvard Medical School

In a study lasting 70 years George Vaillant and colleagues have found:

"Adolescent social class, intelligence, treadmill endurance, and constitution meant little to successful aging in 1940 Harvard graduates. In contrast, capacity for empathic relationships predicted a great deal"

He defined a rewarding old age as:

• Having achieved high earned income and high occupational prestige
• Still being alive by age 80 and being in good physical and mental health (both subjectively and objectively)
• Having good relationships - a happy marriage (ages 40-70), close relationships with children, and social support at age 70.
• Stopping smoking early in life. 'smoking, that great destroyer of health, was a marker for alcoholism and major depression—those two great destroyers of relationships'

And found that these could be predicted by markers of 'capacity for empathic relationships' in early adulthood.

To me his reasoning is a little circular, but I do think that focussing on building our capacity to have successful, empathic relationships has got to be a good idea.