We Need Reminding to Do The Right Thing

Doing a spot of weeding

Today I did some gardening. I love gardening. It is good for me and it makes me happy. But I don't do it very often.

What made me do it today? (FYI That is a solution focussed question - much better than -'Why don't I do it more often?')

Well, at the weekend I had a conversation with Albert about my hopes and dreams for my life. I realised that I am doing quite well in most areas of my life but one of my dreams is to create a lovely garden and I am not doing well on that one. So today I did some gardening.

And what else seems to help me get out into the garden? (another solution focussed question!)

A few weeks ago I found out that the most long lived people in the Terman study (a long term study of clever people!) didn't do 'exercise' they were just active doing what they loved. This suggested to me that I needed to garden more often.  So I got out there on that day.

What I think this means is that Alain de Botton is right. We need repeated reminders to help us do the right thing. He suggests we need to structure our lives to include those reminders. I am not sure how to do that yet - I will let you know!

Responding with Curiosity

Coert Visser recently wrote a great blogpost about how solution focussed therapists respond to client 'resistance' (for example when clients make comments like 'This isn't working', 'I don't agree', 'That wouldn't work for me'). A solution focussed therapist views this 'resistance' differently to most other therapists. They see 'resistance' as an attempt by the client to make the therapy more useful and so they respond with openness and curiosity ('Tell me what it is about what I am doing that isn't working for you?').

I love this approach. It is so respectful and ultimately more effective than the approaches taken by many therapists of:

• Analysing what this 'resistance' means
• Implying that the client isn't committed to change
• Suggesting that this is a way of avoiding 'doing the work'
• Taking it personally and getting defensive!

I think that this approach of curiosity is useful in other areas of life. When my partner or co-worker or child 'resists' me - could I pause a moment, be open to the idea that they might have a point and get curious?

Overcoming Self-Defeating Patterns of Behaviour

Most of us have some familiar self-defeating patterns of behaviour. It could be:

• Eating junk food when stressed or sad
• Trying to control other people 
• Dating people who don't treat us well
• Working too hard
• Spending too much time sitting watching bad TV
• ......the list goes on....

Most of us have also spent a lot of time figuring out 'What makes me act in this way?' and sometimes that is helpful. But I want to suggest an alternative strategy based on solution-focussed techniques:

1. Work out what behaviour you would like to do instead. For example: 'When I am stressed, I would like to nurture myself with delicious, healthy food'

2. Decide how that behaviour links to your values. (What you want your life to be about, Who you want to be in the world): I want to look after my body so that I give myself the best chance of living to a healthy old age where I can be a loving Mum, good friend, caring partner and continue to do the things I enjoy.

3. Ask yourself: Have there been any times when I have chosen the preferred behaviour? Have there been times when I have been stressed and I have eaten healthy food? What were the circumstances? What was different about those times? I didn't have to cook alone - I was either with someone who I enjoy preparing a meal with or I bought something easy and healthy that I could just heat up.

4. Could you make that happen more often when you are stressed? Probably.

5. Make a plan. 

When I cook a healthy meal, I will do a little extra and put it in the freezer so I can heat it up when I am tired and stressed

If I know I have got a stressful week coming up, I will schedule time to cook and eat with my loved ones. 

6. Start with one small step

7. Expect setbacks and lapses and respond to them with compassion

What Would The Very First Step Look Like?

Many of my fellow Queenslanders are dealing with the aftermath of the recent terrible flooding.  I am intensely proud of the courage, grace and generosity of the people in my adopted state.  And I have some 'survivor guilt' about my own clean, dry house.

Friends have told me about returning to homes thick with sticky, smelly mud - everything ruined.

So what did they do when overwhelmed by the enormity of the task in front of them?  They started with the first step.

Solution focussed therapy uses this approach - when trying to do something hard, break it down into tiny, tiny steps and then just focus on doing the very first step.

The Problem with Therapy

I need to start this post with an admission - I am one of the most 'therapised' people I know. Individual, couples, family, Jungian, CBT, New Age - the list of therapists and modalities goes on.

But I now believe that there is a problem with therapy as it is practised by most therapists.  Most therapy is based on a story that goes something like - talk to me about your problems and I will diagnose what is wrong with you and fix it. You will then be well and happy.  This is a comforting story for both therapist and client.  In my opinion though it contains some important traps. Firstly, it is disempowering.  If I buy this approach I have to believe that (a) I am broken, and, (b) I need an expert to fix my brokenness. Secondly, it holds a false promise - that healthy people don't have minds that tell them they aren't good enough or feelings of fear, vulnerability or anger that push them to run, fight or eat another doughnut (anything to smush away the pain). And quite frankly this promise isn't true.


The approaches that have affected me most profoundly in my life, work from a different world view:

    Solution focussed therapy - let's explore what is going right and see if we can amplify it.

Positive Psychology - let's see what happens when you do the things that people who are thriving are doing.






Acceptance and Commitment Training - let's focus on helping you act on the values you hold deep in your heart and accept that sometimes moving towards those values will provoke scary chatter from your mind and even painful emotions.









These approaches have a lot of evidence to support them and are the basis for much of the advice in this blog.  
If you want to try them, here are some starting points:
Solution Focussed Approaches: What Went Right
Positive Psychology: The Well Being Equivalent to Eating 5 Fruit and Vegetables
Acceptance and Commitment Training: When I am 80

What Went Right

As you review last year and plan for this one. Take a moment to think about what went right.
Which relationships went well? What did you do to help that happen?
Which moments were most beautiful? What did you do to help create those moments?
Which achievements are you most proud of? What did you do to reach those goals?

Thanks to @wheretheclientis for reminding me of this question.