Surfing Emotions

'Emotions have a natural life span. like a wave, they surge, crest, and then recede.

If you have a tendency to avoid painful feelings, trying to numb out or somehow shut off the hurt, you may not appreciate that painful emotions have a limited life span. As pain wells up, you may cut it off before seeing that there is a crest, and beyond it a downward slope. You may not know that even the worst emotions subside - naturally and spontaneously.
Try sticking with an emotion and watching it to see how this works. With time you will learn something about how long they last, and how they morph and soften over time.' from p153 'Your Life on Purpose

Anxiety and Scapegoating

David Code: The Real Reason Couples Divorce

'Bestselling author and primatologist Frans de Waal describes our tendency to blame others as one of our least conscious, yet most powerful instincts. This displacement of blame happens so often, in so many animal species, that it must be hardwired in us, dating back thousands of years.'

Code suggests that:

'When we criticize our spouses, we tend to believe we are pointing out true, objective faults. But in fact, blaming our spouse may just be our anxiety talking. ....people with higher anxiety are more likely to overreact, so spouses with high anxiety will have a greater tendency to fight-or-flee each other, which may lead to a downward spiral that sours their marriage. When the going gets tough, rats, humans and many other species scapegoat.'

It sounds like it is a good idea to get good at noticing when I am blaming someone else and then pause and notice what is underneath.  What am I frightened of?  Is focusing on criticising the other person a strategy to deal with my fear?  Could I make some space for that fear and then choose to act in a way that is most likely to get me the outcome I want?

Love as an Action

''A more helpful way to think about love...think of love as an action.  The feeling of love comes and goes on a whim, you can't control it.  But the action of love is something you can do regardless of how you are feeling.''
When you are annoyed with your partner ''reconnect with your values: remember the sort of partner you want to be and the sort of relationship you want to build. And then you need to take action.'' pg 13

John Gottman on Relationships

John Gottman does great research on relationships.  He has found that, on average, men get much more physiologically stressed by conflict than women.  They get flooded by adrenaline, their heart rates skyrocket and then they find it very hard to pay attention and process information.  They can tend to respond to this by stonewalling, which drives women crazy!
If you are in conflict with someone who has become flooded in this way.  Pause, slow things right down.  Notice your tone of voice - see if you can take a few deep breaths and get the cadence of your voice back to a gentler rhythm. Let go of trying to reach an outcome for a while. Perhaps take a break.  Write down some notes about the key issues so the topic becomes more manageable.