Anxiety and Scapegoating

David Code: The Real Reason Couples Divorce

'Bestselling author and primatologist Frans de Waal describes our tendency to blame others as one of our least conscious, yet most powerful instincts. This displacement of blame happens so often, in so many animal species, that it must be hardwired in us, dating back thousands of years.'

Code suggests that:

'When we criticize our spouses, we tend to believe we are pointing out true, objective faults. But in fact, blaming our spouse may just be our anxiety talking. ....people with higher anxiety are more likely to overreact, so spouses with high anxiety will have a greater tendency to fight-or-flee each other, which may lead to a downward spiral that sours their marriage. When the going gets tough, rats, humans and many other species scapegoat.'

It sounds like it is a good idea to get good at noticing when I am blaming someone else and then pause and notice what is underneath.  What am I frightened of?  Is focusing on criticising the other person a strategy to deal with my fear?  Could I make some space for that fear and then choose to act in a way that is most likely to get me the outcome I want?