Becoming Less 'Needy'

Neediness is both a feeling and an action.

We all get the feeling at times but we behave differently in response to the feeling.

So the first step in becoming less needy is to give yourself permission to feel needy.  Neediness comes from a desire to be loved and a fear of rejection. These are core parts of being human. Refusing to allow yourself to have these feelings is rejecting your own vulnerable humanity. People who refuse to acknowledge these feelings in themselves can have a tendency to act them out - perhaps by being rejecting, arrogant, demanding or manipulative. It isn't pretty.

The next step is to get a sense of whether your feelings of neediness are out of porportion to the threat in the situation. It might be perfectly reasonable to feel needy if your partner rarely wants to spend time with you and repeatedly compares you unfavourably to a co-worker. This is where you get a chance to test the quality of your friendships. If you ask genuine friends for their honest opinion, they will tell you when you are being unreasonable. If you decide that your needs are reasonable then ask in a straightforward way. Don't drop hints. Don't use it as a test. Just ask directly with kindness and self respect.

'Our relationship is really important to me, I know that you are very busy but I am missing you. Can we come up with a plan so we get to spend more time together?'


Accept that sometimes others can't meet our legitimate needs. But if it is a repetitive pattern, you may need to set some boundaries. For example:

'This is the second time you have cancelled a date at the last minute because you needed to work late with Kelly. I understand that you are busy and under a lot of pressure at the moment but if you don't give me enough notice of the change in plans it is hard for me to make other arrangements. Are you able to either keep your commitments to me or give me more notice of a change in plan? If not, then I think it might be best for me to make my own plans for the weekend without you.If we both happen to be free then we can see each other. I don't want to do that, as I really enjoy being with you but I can't think of another option. '

If, however, you come to the conclusion that your expectations of the other person are unreasonable then you may need to accept the needy feelings without acting on them. Instead, lean in to yourself with compassion and see if you can mindfully let the feelings rise and fall like waves and see if you can find other ways of getting your need for love and companionship met.

The Risk/Regret Tipping Point

 ''We are it seems, exquisitely wired to avoid taking risks, and we would prefer to preserve the pleasant status quo at all times rather than take the risk that we could make our circumstances worse...(however) there is a tipping point, after a few years, where we stop feeling regrets about what hasn't worked and instead have more regrets about the choices we haven't had the courage to pursue.  This point occurs somewhere between the third and seventh year after we've taken a risk that didn't work out and instead of being sad about the outcome, we become grateful that we had the nerve to go after something meaningful or hard''

When you have to make a scary decision, ask yourself ''Whether this goes right or wrong, which choice will I feel good about in seven years time?''

Worry and Rumination

In this lovely book for therapists (based on ACT), Kelly Wilson explores using mindfulness, acceptance and values based action to create richness and meaning in our lives.  I particularly like what he says about Worry and Rumination (I am the Queen of both!)
In worry and rumination we 'grind over a time that is not now'. We are focussed on our memories or imaginings of what did or might happen rather than the richness of this moment now.  Worry and rumination are horrible. So why do people like me spend so much time and energy doing it?  Because it gives us the sense that we can understand what went wrong in the past and plan for future problems and so prevent bad things happening to us in the future.
Identifying causes and coming up with solutions is really useful for problems outside of us, in the real world.  So if I am worrying about something out in the real world (rather than worrying about worrying!) then sitting down and making a plan is reasonable. But once I  have made the plan, the best thing to do is to focus on this minute now because I don't want to miss a precious moment.  My mind is really good at hooking me back into those anxious thoughts and feelings - each time I notice I am hooked, I try to gently thank my mind and come back to this moment now.  I am finding that the more I practice this skill the better I get at it.