If there is a gap between what we want and what we are experiencing then we feel sad, hurt, sometimes even angry.
So how to deal with that pain? Here are some tips:
- Acknowledge that it is reasonable to feel pain when an important aspect of your life isn't the way you want it to be. This doesn't mean you are weak or don't have the right attitude. It means that you are human.
- Be very kind to yourself. This is a time for self compassion. And when you are ready...
- Spend some time thinking about what you want. But here is an important twist. Instead of focussing on what you want Prince or Princess Charming to be like, focus on what qualities you want to bring to a relationship. What sort of partner do you want to be?
- Now think about how you could live at least some of those values straight away. See if you can keep gently bringing your attention back to the question 'Am I living my values?' rather than 'Is my life the way I want it to be?'
- And when you do find a possible Prince or Princess Charming, notice whether being around them seems to make it easier or harder to be the person you want to be. If living those values is really difficult with this particular person, then, for you, they may just be a frog.
Here is an excerpt from my own romantic relationship values statement:
I want to be affectionate, kind, authentic and curious. I want to laugh easily and look for opportunities to have fun with my partner. I want to resolve disagreements with grace. I want to express my wants and needs directly and accept that sometimes my partner will need to say 'no' to meeting those wants and needs. I want to look for opportunities to do things that are likely to make my partner happy and also I want to know when I need to say 'no' (and say it gracefully). I want to be mindful.....Do I live those values all the time? Nope. Do I find that using those statements as a compass to guide my behaviour helps me to more often be the person I want to be? Absolutely. And has that made my life better? Well, so far, so good.
Wow, a 'romantic relationship values statement'! Why am I not surprised that you are this organised or aware (mindful even). I admire your honesty about not having lived up those values all the time and that so far so good leaves the door open for development and modification and a future rather than being trapped in the past or present. I have been cautioned recently about practicing mindfulness least I be trapped in an excessive 'now' in which there is no future on the horizon. I felt the person misunderstood the nature of mindfulness and its usefulness... mindfulness misunderstood and/or inappropriately applied could be a hazard but fortunately I have yet to experience this. I have a values statement that is overarching and relationships - romantic or otherwise form subclauses of it. I have yet to write it down formally but it is writ large in my consciousness... I have shared it with my partners, but the idea of writing it down makes a lot of sense so I can present it to them as a supplement for the visual learner and a reference to hold me against and to refer to as I should not expect them to hold it as clearly in the forefront of their minds as I do...
ReplyDeleteThanks for another inspiring thought.
Charlie
Lovely Rachel! My life became so much better when I took the time to understand me and think about who I am and what I want out of life and what I can contribute to life.
ReplyDeleteAs the delightful RuPaul says "if you can't love yourself, how the hell you gonna love somebody else"
Of course, he also says "...and don't f*&k it up"
Words to live by.....