How Relationships Develop - from a Male Point of View

I have expressed my doubts about this book previously - so I won't go on about it again.  But I am compelled to share some more information from MrMolloy's book that you might find useful.

His survey suggests that for men there are nine stages in a relationship, here are the first six:

Stage 1 - Living up to Expectations
We make assumptions about what someone is like based on our first impressions. The question here is  - does she live up to those expectations? If the answer is no - then he won't call again. Sorry about that.

Stage 2 - Getting to Know You
In this stage men are interested in finding out:

• Does she enjoy male company?  (Women with brothers and male friends get asked on more follow up dates.)
• Does she want to have a good time or is she too preoccupied with impressing her date to enjoy herself?
• Is she good-natured, friendly and positive but assertive? Does she tend to happily go along with his suggestions  - but if she doesn't want to, then she expresses her views firmly and clearly?
• Does she show genuine interest in him? 
• Is she kind?

Stage 3 - Needs and Lifestyles

In this stage the couple are working out whether their interests and lifestyles are compatible?

Stage 4 - Steady Dating

The couple now go out for regular dates together - after about 4-6 dates men see themselves as in a 'dating relationship' (whereas women tend to see themselves as in a relationship after 2-3 dates - anyone see a problem here?) 

Men and women also differ in when they think they have transitioned from casual dating into a monogamous relationship.

Stage 5 - Romancing the Woman
During this stage, men put lots of energy into pleasing the woman. Pleasing her, pleases him.

Stage 6 - Getting Comfortable
This is the slopping around in pyjama's phase. The couple start to spend more time together. They start to be themselves, to try less hard. He may seem to be taking her for granted.  Women can inadvertently respond to this by trying hard to please the man, in the hope that this will make him realise how special  she is. Molloy advises against this.  He suggest women need to be kind and assertive. He also advises women to clarify at this stage whether the man sees the relationship as serious. Women can assume his behaviour means he has made a commitment to her - but he might just be feeling comfortable!

Stage 6 - Committed Couplehood
They pair start to see themselves as a couple. They prioritise the relationship. They make small sacrifices to please the other - she watches football with him, he goes to her friend's party and works hard to be interested in the conversation. They hang out together. They are affectionate to each other. As the relationship progresses, they share confidences and keep each others secrets.

Couples over 40 have a tendency to move through these stages more quickly than younger couples. They are often monogamous after the first date and can get comfortable after two months.  However, in older men, this does not necessarily signal a long term commitment to the relationship - which can cause problems, as women may interpret this stage differently and then feel aggrieved when they discover that he sees things differently.

There are a lot of models for how relationships progress but I have to say that this one seems to most reflect my real life experiences.  How about you?