In his extensive research, John Gottman has found that there are a number of key differences between happy and unhappy couples.One of these differences relates to the presence of 'repair attempts' during arguments. When happy couples argue, if the conflict starts to escalate, one of them will break the tension. They might make a joke, apologise; express empathy or even suggest taking a break from the discussion. In happy couples the other partner responds positively to a repair attempt - treating it as a genuine effort to make things better.
The key here is that this is a two step process:
- one of the pair makes a peace offering
- the other person notices it and responds positively.
I agree with the 1-2 approach being a healthy one, and evidence of a healthy conflict resolution style. I do however recommend that people take it in turns with these roles of conceder and acceptor. Otherwise, I can pretty much guarantee that conceder with become ‘resenter’. They should not be fixed roles.
ReplyDeleteCharlie
Charlie,
ReplyDeleteI totally agree - if just one person is making repair attempts they do soon become resentful.