Answering the three questions we ask when dating is going badly

I am about  to run a workshop on 'Dating in Mid-life' at The Relaxation Centre of QLD. Hence the recent flurry of relationship/dating related posts.

When dating isn't going well, people (including me!) tend to ask themselves:

1. Is there something wrong with me?

2. Is there is something wrong with my choices?

3. Have I dated enough people?

My younger sister, Rebecca, is unusual in two respects:

1. She has dated a lot of genuinely lovely men

2. She is now very happily married

So I asked for her response to these questions. Here is her answer to the first question: 'Is there is something wrong with me?' (She will address the other two questions in the next two posts).

Rebecca: 
I would challenge this question with: 'But am I truly happy with myself?'.  So for instance 'Are men/women being put off by my constant criticism of them?'  If the answer is 'yes' then: 'Do I want to be a constantly critical person, is it making me happy?'  Or for instance 'Am I sabotaging the relationship by 'testing' men/women too much?".  If 'yes' then: 'Is my distrust of men/women making me happy?'.  

Probably not in both cases.  

So make decisions to change from the basis of your own happiness, without any attachment to the idea that it will help with dating.  Taking another contrasting idea 'Women are put off because I'm overweight', but then 'This is my natural weight and dieting makes me miserable'  If it is, then changing it in order to be attractive to women will lead to resentment, and inevitable disappointment.  Or 'Men are put off because I earn more than them and I am clever.'  and then 'But I like my job and do I really have to play dumb?'  In both cases, changing the 'something "wrong" with me' is actually moving away from happiness.  That's the crucial test.  

Being happy helps with dating, but it should be an end in itself, and changing something in yourself with an external instead of an internal motivation never really works.  A commitment to personal growth and honest self examination is part of good mental hygiene, and should be done as reguarly as brushing your teeth, if only to ensure that you are living deliberately.  Dating may be one of the many prompts towards personal growth, but 'it's all just learning' as a dear friend always used to tell me!