After a series of disappointing relationships, people often ask themselves 'Is there is something wrong with my choices?'. I asked my lovely sister, Rebecca, for her thoughts on this. Here is her response:
Rebecca:
Quote 'When you're in a hole, stop digging'
Ladies and Gentlemen... It's this one. Look no further, because this is the one. 99% of singles I know, when they tell me their tales of woe, this is what was wrong - they chose the wrong person and then flogged that dead horse shouting: 'Run, you bugger, run!' when everyone around them could see that it was pointless. Not ending the relationship quickly enough when it's not right. Clinging on to someone with an idea of what he 'could be'. A romantic partner is not a renovation project, and it is disrespectful to not love them as they actually are - loving an image of who they might be one day is not the same thing as loving them, and they deserve to be with someone who really loves them. Until you get out of the way, they won't have that opportunity.
As for choosing the same type of wrong person over and over again - it's like an addiction. First - recognise the addiction, the 'type' who is toxic for you, write down every behaviour they do, specific things they say, excuses they make, and your usual response. Then, the next time you are asked out/meet someone, take it much, much slower and look for the clues. Don't make excuses. Excuses sound like this: 'Well, he did drink quite a lot on that third date, but he was fine on the first and second, so it's probably not my old pattern, and he didn't actually vomit on me or anything...' or 'Okay, he commented on my eating dessert and said that he generally likes slimmer women than me, and that I'd be pretty if I just lost a bit of weight, but then later on he said a few really nice things, so I shouldn't overreact.' or 'He talked about his ex-wife for over two hours, but he said that he's over her, and he seemed sincere when he said it'.
Ladies and Gentlemen... It's this one. Look no further, because this is the one. 99% of singles I know, when they tell me their tales of woe, this is what was wrong - they chose the wrong person and then flogged that dead horse shouting: 'Run, you bugger, run!' when everyone around them could see that it was pointless. Not ending the relationship quickly enough when it's not right. Clinging on to someone with an idea of what he 'could be'. A romantic partner is not a renovation project, and it is disrespectful to not love them as they actually are - loving an image of who they might be one day is not the same thing as loving them, and they deserve to be with someone who really loves them. Until you get out of the way, they won't have that opportunity.
As for choosing the same type of wrong person over and over again - it's like an addiction. First - recognise the addiction, the 'type' who is toxic for you, write down every behaviour they do, specific things they say, excuses they make, and your usual response. Then, the next time you are asked out/meet someone, take it much, much slower and look for the clues. Don't make excuses. Excuses sound like this: 'Well, he did drink quite a lot on that third date, but he was fine on the first and second, so it's probably not my old pattern, and he didn't actually vomit on me or anything...' or 'Okay, he commented on my eating dessert and said that he generally likes slimmer women than me, and that I'd be pretty if I just lost a bit of weight, but then later on he said a few really nice things, so I shouldn't overreact.' or 'He talked about his ex-wife for over two hours, but he said that he's over her, and he seemed sincere when he said it'.
If they do something that's on your list, then you have to walk away like an alcoholic putting down a beer glass. And like an alcoholic, you'll be thinking 'Oh, I'm making a big deal of nothing, I shouldn't be walking away, this isn't really addiction, I'm over-dramatising'. And like an alcoholic, the addictive desire will be at its height at this moment, so check in with some support, tell yourself 'I'll just wait 24 hours before acting on anything.' And then wait another 24 hours after that. If the pattern is really destructive (alcoholics, abuse, narcissists etc.) then I'd recommend taking a whole year out from dating and consider going to SLAA - learn to live without the addiction for a year before trying to find someone who isn't an addiction. I have to say, from my own experience, this has the advantage of making you desperately attractive. I once took 18 months off dating for my own reasons. During my 18 months off, I told young men who asked me out 'Actually I'm taking a break from dating. I'm planning to think about dating again in [date]' and they had marked the date in their diary. I woke up to find a queue outside my front door. Sadly I turned them all down.
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