Working out if you need to date more people in order to find Mr or Ms Right

I recently asked my sister, Rebecca, for some dating advice. Here is her response to one of the questions I asked her.


Am I having trouble finding Mr or Ms Right because I haven't dated enough people?


Rebecca:
Quote:  ‘If you were to give me forty such men I never could be so happy as you. Till I have your disposition, your goodness. I never can have your happiness. No, no, let me shift for myself; and, perhaps, if I have very good luck, I may meet with another Mr.Collins in time.’ (Elizabeth Bennett in Pride and Prejudice)

Well, I think it's more helpful to ask: 'Have I dated enough of the right type of person for me?'  Because personally I turned down at least 50% of the guys who asked me out.  You could date a hundred thousand narcissists and be nowhere near happiness.  In fact you'd probably be somewhere near suicidal...  But if you date forty good kind men who have similar interests and values to you, then amongst them you will find a match for your soul, whereas if you'd only dated three of them, you might not.

So how come so many nice guys asked me out?  Firstly and I think most importantly - I like nice men.  This gives me a dating edge as lots of women don't choose them or they choose them but in an 'okay I'll settle for you, you seem like a good bet' kind of way or a 'well, the type of men I find really attractive have kicked me to hell and back, so I shall cling to you like a life raft' kind of way.  Neither is exactly flattering or respectful.  Whereas I actually like them and find them genuinely attractive - they are my preferred choice - this meant that I was always a rare creature in an under-supplied area.  I am moved to ecstasy by the sight of a man doing the washing up.  The first thing my husband ever said to me was 'Can I make you a cup of tea?' and I fairly swooned with desire.  Secondly - I had rejected other less worthy men who asked me out, so I was single and available to be offered tea.  Thirdly - I make the best of myself.  Being beautiful isn't worth much in dating - look at all the beautiful celebrities and how short-lived and unhappy their marriages are and how they struggle to find love.  Think of the truly great beauties - Marilyn Monroe, Elizabeth Taylor and all the people in celebrity magazines today...  Are they well-known for their happy stable relationships?  No, the perfect body or face is no help at all.  It's not what you're born with, it's how you work it.  Dressing well and wearing make up etc shows self-respect.  It is not the same as dressing in a sexually available way that sends out the signal 'open to all comers'.  And it's not the same as natural beauty which can be a curse as much as a blessing.  Being well-dressed and taking a bit of care is attractive.  Then if you also listen attentively to what your date has to say whilst finding them attractive for who they really are, rather than who they might be with a few 'improvements' - that seems to be a potent mix!  So on this one I'd say 'Make sure you're dating the right sort of person for you - same values, similar interests, fundamentally kind.  Then, and only then, date as many as it takes to find the right one and gently but promptly let go of the wrong ones.'