I am going to be running a half day session at The Relaxation Centre of Queensland on 'Dating over 40'.
One of the topics I will be dealing with is handling heartbreak. I have experienced utter searing heartbreak three times in my life. Three times, I have been so overwhelmed with the pain of loss that I felt like my heart was being ripped out of my chest. But here I am loving again with an open heart. In the full knowledge that I may well experience that pain again – frightened of that pain but still willing to risk it.
So what helped me get through those dark nights of the soul?
I am deeply ambivalent about Paul McKenna with his ‘I can make you…’ promises and his disconcertingly sleazy hypnosis voice. However this book really helped me. He gives brilliant practical tips. Like suggesting moving the furniture around, so you aren’t eating your breakfast in exactly the same spot with only one difference, the loved one isn’t with you (I was very surprised by how effective this one is!). He also explains how part of the pain of heartbreak is that your brain is suffering withdrawal symptoms from 'love chemicals' and so you are a bit like a coke addict coming down – knowing this made me less worried that I was going crazy!
Linda Richman writes about how our loved ones get distressed about our distress and so they want us to be strong and positive. But what we really need is to 'scream and cry and fall apart'. She suggests letting yourself have the odd doona day where you just let yourself be utterly sad, watch sad movies and cry. But, and this bit is important, after 2 days you get up, get dressed and get on with life again.
Russ Harris draws on ACT and writes that struggling against pain tends to make things worse. Instead make space for the pain and lean into yourself with compassion. Honour the pain as a sign that this was an important relationship. That this is part of living a rich and meaningful life. Connect with what this tells you about what is important to you.
During those fierce times I become particularly aware of how blessed I am in my friends and family – My dear family in England who listened to me sob when I phoned them at 3 am Queensland time. A couple of dear friends who were willing to rock me whilst I cried and didn't try to change how I felt. The friends who listened to me go over and over the story until even I was sick of it. My kids who were so confident that I would be happy again and distracted me with jokes and hugs and their need for me to focus on some one other than myself.
I am really interested to hear your thoughts. What has helped you get through heartbreak?
Ok, I'll go first... sorry to read 3 times Rachel but at least you keep in there and don't let it kill the chance of happiness. Confucius said something about success being getting up 1 more time than you have been knocked down - i reckon at least if you get back up you have the potential to learn and move on. Staying down is the easy way)
ReplyDeleteHaving a very solid sense of self and what is important to me (living my life by a code I believe in). I agree with a recent post you made about partners bringing out the best in us and bringing us closer to who we want to be etc. If a person is not doing that or worse is steering me away from this, I make a rational and realistic assessment, attempt negotiation if the person is able to, and move on resulting outcome is more of the same. I must've misplaced my heart if this is the case. I work at staying objective and not egotistical. If it is my code and it causes difficulties, that is ok because at least it is what I believe in. If I don't like the consequences of my beliefs or actions, change them or change my attitude to something more helpful.
I have never gotten any one pregnant or gotten caught up in a situation where I felt trapped into staying for another's sake. I have been in 1 mutual dependency relationship and 1 where I was depended upon. Neither is healthy nor love, to me.
Never had a large friend base but those that were inside the circle were committed. They more relied on me that other way around, though. Recognising quality support people and who can offer which element one needs at the tme is important.
Fcousing around oneself helps too. The story about a widow or mother who lost a young child in morning being told to collect a mustard seed from each household in the village who did not know death is not a bad parable but rarely what we wish to hear at the time.
I am not a fan of venting in my case, although I accept that others find it useful. Make the decision, move on, base it on solid logic.
I can feel some cringe and say 'with that kind of mind set, how could he know anything of love?' Love yourself first and try not to seek refuge in others, rather allow the other to compliment to your existing self and grow from there. To do otherwise is not fair on the partner in my opinion. Works for me, may you find what works for you. I do advertise this is my philosophy to life so no one is ambushed after investing their heart in me under false pretenses.
Regards
Charlie
Thanks Charlie!
ReplyDeleteI agree the 'H' relationship always feels better than the 'A' doesn't it?
I actually don't feel bad about the amount of heartbreak I have experienced in my life.
Russ Harris best summed up my approach to love and heartbreak. He said if you could take a magic pill and as a result you would never feel heartbreak again...but also you would never feel the joy of deep love...would you take the pill? My answer is a resounding "No".
My biggest heartbreak was when my Dad died (he was 59 and had only been retired for 4 years) I tend to get a bit philosophical and remember the good times we had and remind myself that nothing is forever.
ReplyDeleteMusic always helps me - I listen to Jackson Browne and that seems to take me to a place where I can cope.
I also like visual cues so I have a bangle that i wear that says "love like you have never been hurt before"
I often just crash and burn and allow myself to feel pain when I'm heartbroken. So I usually do that for a bit. The lying in bed and the whole thing. Sad music, fatty food.
ReplyDeleteBut then, strange as it may seem, I really like to walk on grass without shoes on and stand in front of big bodies of water to think. Somehow it grounds me and gives me perspective all at the same time. Just space to think and be alone and be ok with it.
My friend once told me to go for a walk with no shoes on in the botanical gardens to think when I was really upset. It worked a treat actually.
Hey Danny, I totally agree. There is something about being in nature that is deeply soothing, especially with bare feet
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