Using the 'Dependency Paradox' to Make Yourself More Attractive

I'm starting with three assumptions here:

1. Being needy is usually unattractive to emotionally healthy people
2. We all get needy at times
3. We tend to get especially needy when we are anxious that our needs aren't going to get met.

In Scientific American Mind, Amir Levine and Rachel Heller explore the ‘dependency paradox’. They found that the more people can depend on their partner, the more ‘independent and creative’ they become. This is a bit like how little children with reliable parents tend to feel secure and are more confident about venturing into the world. They know that Mum or Dad will still be there when they return, so they can happily explore.

Levine and Heller’s finding is important – it resonates with my third point. In a cruel twist of fate, when we most want to find someone who will love us; when we feel desperate and dateless; it is then that we are at our least attractive. Potential partners can sense our neediness (even if we try to hide it) and run a mile.


We know that neediness isn’t attractive (except to rescuers, and that never ends well). And we also know that being dateless seems to make us more needy.  Aaargh!

So what is to be done? Common advice here is to become comfortable with being alone. But I think that Levine and Heller's research suggests that it might be wiser to acknowledge that our needs aren't being met and make practical plans to deal with this.

Regular readers will be unsurprised to discover that I think that Mindfulness might be helpful here. When needy feelings arise, notice them with compassion. Don’t try to squish them away or tell yourself you are wrong to feel that way. We all feel needy at times. This is a time to be very, very kind to yourself. Then decide – Shall I ask for some support from a loved one (again with an attitude of openness – they are allowed to say ‘No’) or shall I soothe myself? If you aren't good at soothing yourself, then I recommend this book.

I have been critical of therapy in this blog. However, I think that for some people, a long term supportive relationship with a reliable and compassionate therapist can be incredibly helpful. The trick here is to discern helpful from unhelpful therapy. Consider the question: ‘Does my relationship with this therapist make me feel less or more needy?’ Levine and Heller report that:

‘Most men and women are as needy as their unmet needs. When their emotional needs are met, they usually turn their attention outwards’.

 Sometimes good therapy can enable people who are prone to neediness to feel a little more secure. This lessening of their needy behaviour then allows others in their life to feel safe to be more supportive and creates a virtuous cycle.

Creatively getting unmet needs met.  If there are unmet needs (perhaps for emotional closeness, affection, belonging, praise) in your life that seem to be driving your feelings of neediness, see if you can come up with a creative solution. There is a reason that elderly ladies who live alone have cats! Regular massage lowers stress and improves well being. The research on religion suggests that people who practice their religion by going to Church/the synagogue/the mosque, being part of the community and performing acts of service have improved well being.  

The bottom line is, don't just sit there feeling lonely and needy - being alone will probably make you feel worse. Instead, be very, very kind to yourself and know that finding a constructive way to meet those dependency needs will likely make you less needy and more attractive.