Being Undeniably Good

Last night I saw an amazing young Guitarist, Daniel Champagne.

He has clearly done the 10,000 hours practice that is needed to become an expert.
The photo of Daniel was taken by my 18 year old son, Patrick.  Patrick is working towards his 10,000 hours so he can become 'undeniably good' (Steve Martin) at photography.  You can see how he is doing on his website www.patrickselfvisuals.com

A question I keep coming back to when I ponder on my life direction is:

What am I so passionate about that I am willing to put in the time to become 'undeniably good'?

And for me, for the last 27 years it has been about building the skills so that I can support people in creating rich and meaningful lives.

What is your answer to that question?

Why Don’t Kids Make Us Happy? | Psychology Today

Why Don’t Kids Make Us Happy? | Psychology Today:

In this article Sonja Lyubomirsky explores the 'parenthood paradox' which is that:

"Although achieving every other human motive (like satisfying thirst or hunger, gaining social status, or finding Mr. Right) makes us tremendously happy, having children appears to be the one exception. Indeed, research suggests that despite most people's widely-professed desire to have children, parenthood is associated with decreased, rather than increased, well-being. To offer just one often-cited example, working women asked to recall their previous day in excruciating detail rated taking care of their children as just slightly more positively than the unpleasant tasks of commuting and performing household chores."

She exlores how hard parenting is and how unsupported parents are in current western cultures compared to our predecessors' who lived in larger family units and tribes.

In the end she uses a quote from Stephen Colbert (The Colbert Report) to sum up what is probably going on:

"...Children are a pain in the ass, I'll grant you that, but the feeling that comes with children is a feeling that is superior to happiness...a sublime feeling."

This is not just true of parenting but of many difficult and challenging endeavours. If something has deep meaning and purpose for us then, although at times it may be painful, there is a deep joy associated with it that goes beyond happiness.

Mindfulness Bell

I can get very caught up in my thoughts and miss this moment now. Mindfulness is very good for our brains - like exercise is for our bodies.  I have come across a lovely way to be reminded to drop into the present.  Download the mindfulness bell onto your computer and set it to sound randomly.  Whenever it sounds pause and

• listen to the sound and see if you can catch when it finishes
• notice 5 breaths - the air going in and out, the movement of your chest
• notice your 5 senses - Notice 3 things you are experiencing in each sense.

Humility

Petersen and Seligman give a lovely discussion of Humility in 'Character Strengths and Virtues'.


 By humility they don't mean a Uriah Heep sort of cloying obsequiousness and insincerity:

"When I was quite a young boy,' said Uriah, 'I got to know what umbleness did, and I took to it. I ate umble pie with an appetite. I stopped at the umble point of my learning, and says I, "Hard hard!" When you offered to teach me Latin, I knew better. "People like to be above you," says father, "keep yourself down." I am very umble to the present moment, Master Copperfield, but I've got a little power!"

Chapter XXXIX David Copperfield

Instead they are suggesting: 

'A non-defensive willingness to see the self accurately' 

'Humble individuals will not wilfully distort information in order to defend, repair or verify their own image'

People with this quality are more forgiving, more likeable and more likely to learn from experience.


This is clearly wise - and tough.  In order to let information about who we really are in, we need to learn to be genuinely compassionate towards ourselves and others.

Encouraging results from the largest clinical study ever conducted on treating depression with Omega-3

Encouraging results from the largest clinical study ever conducted on treating depression with Omega-3: "Initial analyses failed to clearly demonstrate the effectiveness of Omega-3 for all patients taking part in the study. Other analyses, however, revealed that Omega-3 improved depression symptoms in patients diagnosed with depression unaccompanied by an anxiety disorder. Efficacy for these patients was comparable to that generally observed with conventional antidepressant treatment."

The Demons on the Boat

In his lovely book, The Happiness Trap, Russ Harris writes about the Demons on the Boat.

Imagine your life journey is like a voyage on a yacht.  Unfortunately most of us have a set of demons on our boat.  Whenever we turn our boat towards doing something important but scary (asking someone on a date, giving a speech, telling someone how we really feel, starting a new business, writing a blogpost!) our demons appear on deck telling us how stupid we are to take the risk, how it will go wrong, reminding us of other times when we tried something similar and it went badly.  At this point we have a choice  - we can let the demons control our life and move away from the scary but important activity, or, we can pause, check whether there is anything practical we need to do in response to the fears raised by the demons (e.g. find out if the person is single :-), spend some time practising the speech, do some market research to check if our business idea is likely to be successful) and then carry on.

If we do the first and let the demons control our life, they become more and more active and control more and more of what we do.

If we do the second, the demons don't go away (sorry about that!) but we do get better and better at not taking them so seriously. At making brave choices. At creating a life that is rich and meaningful to us.

Gain Self-Insight Through Abstract Thinking — PsyBlog

Gain Self-Insight Through Abstract Thinking — PsyBlog:

We are more accurate in working out what others think of us when we imagine how others will see us in several months time compared to trying to put ourselves in the other person's shoes

Positive Psychology News Daily � Yes, I Stand by My Words, “Happiness Equals Love—Full Stop”

Positive Psychology News Daily � Yes, I Stand by My Words, “Happiness Equals Love—Full Stop”: George Vaillant, Professor of Psychiatry at Harvard Medical School

In a study lasting 70 years George Vaillant and colleagues have found:

"Adolescent social class, intelligence, treadmill endurance, and constitution meant little to successful aging in 1940 Harvard graduates. In contrast, capacity for empathic relationships predicted a great deal"

He defined a rewarding old age as:

• Having achieved high earned income and high occupational prestige
• Still being alive by age 80 and being in good physical and mental health (both subjectively and objectively)
• Having good relationships - a happy marriage (ages 40-70), close relationships with children, and social support at age 70.
• Stopping smoking early in life. 'smoking, that great destroyer of health, was a marker for alcoholism and major depression—those two great destroyers of relationships'

And found that these could be predicted by markers of 'capacity for empathic relationships' in early adulthood.

To me his reasoning is a little circular, but I do think that focussing on building our capacity to have successful, empathic relationships has got to be a good idea.

Handling Fear

My Dad was a country GP and recently told me a lovely story.
He had a patient, let's call him Sam, who developed a school phobia. Sam was terrified of going to school and didn't go at all for several months.  The local Paediatrician got very worried about the situation and decided Sam, who was very anxious, should be put in care.  My father argued strongly against this and eventually persuaded the Paediatrician to give him 3 months to get the little boy back to school.
My Dad, Sam's Mum and Sam made a plan.  On the first day, his Mum walked Sam to school and Sam just touched the school gates and then he went home. Step by small step they moved forwards until Sam was going to school.  Whilst this was going on Dad also found out what was going on at school that was upsetting Sam. Sam's teacher was inexperienced. Feeling overwhelmed by having to keep an unruly group of children in line, she had adopted an approach to behaviour management that focussed on public shame.  Sam found this terrifying.  Dad spoke to the School Principal and the teacher was given support to develop different approaches to discipline.

Sam managed to get back to school.

What I love about this story is that it is about facing our fears - but in small steps (a very evidence-based approach!) .  When I feel overwhelmed by having to do something scary I think to myself 'What is the equivalent of 'touching the school gate'' and just do that.

Worry and Rumination

In this lovely book for therapists (based on ACT), Kelly Wilson explores using mindfulness, acceptance and values based action to create richness and meaning in our lives.  I particularly like what he says about Worry and Rumination (I am the Queen of both!)
In worry and rumination we 'grind over a time that is not now'. We are focussed on our memories or imaginings of what did or might happen rather than the richness of this moment now.  Worry and rumination are horrible. So why do people like me spend so much time and energy doing it?  Because it gives us the sense that we can understand what went wrong in the past and plan for future problems and so prevent bad things happening to us in the future.
Identifying causes and coming up with solutions is really useful for problems outside of us, in the real world.  So if I am worrying about something out in the real world (rather than worrying about worrying!) then sitting down and making a plan is reasonable. But once I  have made the plan, the best thing to do is to focus on this minute now because I don't want to miss a precious moment.  My mind is really good at hooking me back into those anxious thoughts and feelings - each time I notice I am hooked, I try to gently thank my mind and come back to this moment now.  I am finding that the more I practice this skill the better I get at it.

Happiness Trap Workshops | The Happiness Trap | Stop Struggling Start Living by Dr Russ Harris

Happiness Trap Workshops | The Happiness Trap | Stop Struggling Start Living by Dr Russ Harris

Russ Harris is running some public workshops. I think he is a talented therapist and wonderful workshop facilitator. My experience of his sessions is that they are life changing (in a good way!)

Highly recommended

John Gottman on Relationships

John Gottman does great research on relationships.  He has found that, on average, men get much more physiologically stressed by conflict than women.  They get flooded by adrenaline, their heart rates skyrocket and then they find it very hard to pay attention and process information.  They can tend to respond to this by stonewalling, which drives women crazy!
If you are in conflict with someone who has become flooded in this way.  Pause, slow things right down.  Notice your tone of voice - see if you can take a few deep breaths and get the cadence of your voice back to a gentler rhythm. Let go of trying to reach an outcome for a while. Perhaps take a break.  Write down some notes about the key issues so the topic becomes more manageable.

Being an unpopular parent

Sometimes as parents we have to make unpopular decisions.  We try to be democratic (teenagers with  parents who have a democratic style of parenting have better outcomes) but now and again we have to be more like a benign dictator. When that happens I remind myself of what the father of a friend used to say (please adopt a Derbyshire accent here - it works better if you do it properly!):
'I am not here to win any popularity prizes with you lot. I am just here to try to put you on the right track'

Values

Being clear about what our values are is really good for us.  I have appropriated the values below from a lovely blog called spiritual wealth.  I think I could find some research to support all of these values as being likely to improve well being.
* Everything worthwhile in life is created as the result of love and concern for others. 

* Humanity is one great family. Our similarities are deep, our differences superficial.
* The Golden Rule (Do unto others as you would have them do unto you), expressed in some way in every society, is the cornerstone of human understanding.
* The giving of time, money, support and encouragement can never be detrimental to the giver.
* Character development - the path from self-absorption to caring and consciousness - is paramount.
* Problems are life's way of getting the best out of us. They are opportunities to grow.
* It is important to nourish your mind with the thoughts of history's wisest thinkers.
* Courage and self-awareness are required to live fully and follow your heart.
* You should develop the ability to reason accurately and independently rather than accepting ideas based solely on authority or tradition.
* Our egos cause us to cherish opinions, judge others and rationalize our beliefs.  Ask yourself "Would I rather be right or be happy?"
 * We should exercise humility. Not because others find it attractive – although they do - but because, if we are honest with ourselves, we have much to be humble about.
* We should practice forgiveness. When we forgive others, we find that others forgive us – and that we forgive ourselves.
* Moral development comes from strengthening our impulse control, prioritizing personal relationships and fostering social responsibility.
 * Our lives are immeasurably improved by expressing gratitude and generosity.
* Development of the heart is essential. Our actions are the mirror of our inner selves.
* Whenever we act, we are never just doing. We are always becoming. If we aren't growing, we are diminishing.
* Integrity is everything.

Bob Marley on Love

Just came across this by accident

"He's not perfect. You aren't either, and the two of you will never be perfect. But if he can make you laugh at least once, causes you to think twice, and if he admits to being human and making mistakes, hold onto him and give him the most you can. He isn't going to quote poetry. He's not thinking about you every moment, but he will give you a part of him that he knows you could break. Don't hurt him, don't change him, and don't expect more than he can give. Don't analyze. Smile when he makes you happy, yell when he makes you mad, and miss him when he's not there. Love hard when there is love to be had. Because perfect guys don't exist, but there's always one guy who is perfect for you."

Bob Marley

Very wise!

I wish I'd looked after my teeth

A new study shows that 'Individuals who do not brush their teeth twice a day have an increased risk of heart disease' even if you control for other poor health factors like smoking and physical activity.
The authors suggest that chronic mild inflammation in gums contributes to the build up of atherosclerosis in blood vessels.


So - brush your teeth!

Happy Relationships

Relationships are hard.  A friend of mine said to me the other day "I just want to be someone's favourite toy, like Woody in Toy Story. The toy that is loved even though it is a bit old and grubby. The toy that he wants to have next to him when he goes to sleep at night'. I think that most of us want that.  But we often get the opposite - anger, disappointment and resentment.
So how do we make it work?
A lovely piece of research showed that the following increased satisfaction in already happy couples.
(a) loving-kindness meditation, with a particular  focus  on  one’s  partner;

(b) partner  versions  of yoga  exercises,  in  which  partners  physically  supported  and  facilitated  one another  in  the  performance  of  therapeutic,  often  pleasurable  postures;  

(c) mindful touch exercises, with each partner paying close attention to the giving and receiving of a gentle back rub, followed by discussion of the implications of this for sensual intimacy; 

(d) eye gazing with partners  acknowledging  and  welcoming  the  deep-down  goodness  in  one another; 

(e) practicing various mindfulness skills in the relationship

• application of mindfulness to both emotion-focused and problem focused approaches to relationship difficulties 
• be more  aware  during shared  pleasant  activities,  unpleasant  activities,  and stressful interactions, and to discuss and keep daily records about new understandings arising from such

If you want to read the paper it is here

Parenting

There is a lovely book - Buddhism for Mothers - where I learnt that our children are our 'Zen Masters'. They challenge us so much. provoke such strong feelings of love, anger and fear and we can't walk away however scared or overwhelmed we feel. Somehow we have to stay and do our best and see our imperfection. If you are a parent - show yourself some compassion. And remember, when those strong feelings rise - take a few slow, deep breaths before you say or do anything!

 

RSVP, On-Line Dating

Some tips for on-line dating - hope they will save you some hurt and disappointment!

1. Get a good photo of yourself - that looks like you at your best ...but now, not 5 years ago
2. Ask a trusted friend or relative to help you choose who might suit you. We often choose someone who will in some way fulfil a dream, that is rarely someone who would really fit with us in the long term
3. Get a prepaid mobile and use that number until you feel that he or she isn't a stalker
4. Talk to them early - it is easy to project our dreams onto someone in an email. You want to find out the reality as quickly as you can
5. It takes 4-8 weeks for people to start showing their real selves. Know that initially you are just seeing the holiday brochure version of them