The Opposite of Parental Autonomy Support

I've blogged recently on the benefits of encouraging your teenagers to develop autonomy - this is what the opposite of that feels like.

Why Teenagers Sometimes Respond Unpredictably

Teenagers 'may process emotions differently than adults'. A team led by Dr. Deborah Yurgelun-Todd at Harvard's McLean Hospital scanned the brain activity of five young teenagers whilst they viewed pictures of faces and worked out what emotions were being felt by the people in the pictures. The study found that the teenagers' amygdala was activated when they did the task.  The amygdala is a brain centre that processes emotions and memories. Whereas when adults make these assessments they tend show activity in both the amygdala and the prefrontal cortex. The pre-frontal cortex is involved in 'planning complex cognitive behaviors, personality expression, decision making and moderating correct social behavior'.


It is interesting to note that teenagers tend to be much worse than adults at identifying someone's emotion by looking at their face.


This is a small sample but I think what it is suggesting is important.    This study suggests that teenagers may be poor at identifying others' emotions because they interpret other people's emotions by noticing their own feelings and perhaps assuming that the other person is feeling the same as they are.


If you think back to what it was like as a teenager - how self-critical you were and how you assumed that others were just as critical of you - this finding makes sense of a lot of teenage behaviour.  


So how do we help our teenagers with this? I think we need to challenge the cultural belief that our thoughts and emotions control our behaviour.  Steve Hayes has written a great blog post on this.


We need to teach them something slightly different.  We need to teach them that thoughts and feelings aren't truth.  We need to teach them to notice their thoughts and feelings, notice the urge associated with those thoughts and feelings, and then pause and check in with who they want to be in the world.


And we need to be very, very kind and compassionate - it isn't easy being a teenager....or a parent.

Trying to Avoid Stress is Counter Productive

A paper by H. Harrington Cleveland and Kitty S. Harris exploring  the processes that trigger cravings and prevent some addicts from building a sustained recovery. They found that recovering addicts who deal with stressful social experiences (such as ' hostility, insensitivity, interference, and ridicule' from others) by trying to avoid those experiences, have 'twice the number of cravings in a stressful day compared to persons who use problem solving strategies to understand and deal with the stress.' 


 'According to Cleveland, the findings suggest the impulse to avoid stress is never going to help recovering addicts because stressful experiences cannot be avoided.  "If your basic life strategy is to avoid stress, then your problems will probably end up multiplying and causing you more problems."

On-line Dating - some research and also some thoughts on handling the unpleasant emotions it can trigger

PsyBlog has a great article on on-line dating.
The highlights are:

'Internet daters are more likely to be sociable, have high self-esteem and be low in dating anxiety'

'Nine out of ten had lied on at least one of the attributes measured, but the lies were only small ones - e.g. shaving 5% off their weight'

The type of photo you use may impact on the level of interaction.  'Photos associated with the longest online conversations were where it showed the dater:

• Doing something interesting
• With an animal
• In an interesting location (travel photo)'

The photo type associated with the least interactions were of the person drinking.

Using positive emotional words 'like 'excited' and 'wonderful', made a better impression on both men and women.'


On-line dating is 'unsatisfying and aversive' for many - reading lots of profiles can feel more like you are screening resumes. However 'this will change as online dating services move towards more experiential methods'.


I had a lot of really positive experiences during my foray into on-line dating, I met some nice people and learnt a lot about myself.  And an on-line dating site, RSVP, enabled me to meet lovely Albert (my current partner). However, it was also emotionally really tough. Lots of rejection and disappointment; moments of cynicism after I felt someone had treated me badly; and a few days of addictive 'RSVP checking' that led me to decide to take a break for a while.


I think what was helpful was:

• Being clear about what values I was living - for me it was about genuinely wanting to be in a loving, committed relationship (note - it wasn't just about 'being in a relationship' - when defining values, the quality of the behaviour is very important).
• Being willing to experience emotional pain in the service of that value and working to keep myself present when painful emotions (fear of rejection, vulnerability, anger, disappointment) arose.
• Not losing sight of other important values - demonstrating love and compassion for myself and others; being a good friend; being a present, loving mother; doing work that makes a positive difference in the world.
• Knowing that the crazy stuff my mind was doing (e.g. noticing who had looked at my profile and then analysing why they didn't send me a kiss!) is just what the problem solving mind does.  Observing that with compassion.
• Viewing it as an experiment - a great opportunity to learn about myself and others.

Meeting Online Is Growing in Importance for Meeting Romantic Partners

Michael J. Rosenfeld, an associate professor of sociology at Stanford University and the lead author of the study, “Meeting Online: The Rise of the Internet as a Social Intermediary.” states 'In the next several years the Internet could eclipse friends as the most influential way Americans meet their romantic partners, displacing friends out of the top position for the first time since the early 1940s,” 
The study also found that the Internet is especially important for finding potential partners in groups where the supply is small or difficult to identify such as in the gay, lesbian, and middle-aged heterosexual communities.

Read more: Web Access Increases Odds of Romantic Relationships http://www.tricitypsychology.com/blog/web-access-increases-odds-of-romantic-relationships/#ixzz0zXmKxgPx

Why 'The Secret' is Bad for Your Health

In 'The Secret', Rhonda Byrne describes the 'Law of attraction' and suggests that the way to achieve what you want is to: 'Ask' the Universe; truly 'Believe' that you deserve it and will get it, and then, 'Receive'.  This seems like a harmless new age idea, so why does it bother me so much?


Others have written about the victim blaming and guilt around illness that this belief system tends to encourage.  Rhonda Byrne apparently 'once claimed that disasters like the 2006 tsunami can only happen to people who are “on the same frequency as the event,” which appears to suggest that the victims brought catastrophe on themselves.' There is also a good discussion here questioning both the validity of the ideas and the sources that Byrne claim support her.


What I want to raise is how 'The Secret' can actually harm mental well being. Following the strategies suggested by 'The Secret' can potentially decrease two important healthy behaviours: psychological flexibility and mindfulness.  


Psychological flexibility is 'the process of contacting the present moment fully as a conscious human being and persisting or changing behavior in the service of chosen values' (Hayes SC, Luoma JB, Bond FW, Masuda A, Lillis J (2006)).  Which means being in touch with the present moment and making flexible choices based on who you want to be in the world and what is really important to you.  Numerous studies have found that psychological flexibility is associated with emotional well being and better quality of life. 
One of my concerns about 'The Secret' is that it encourages people to focus energy on controlling their thoughts and feelings and also on avoiding situations that may trigger painful feelings.  These are both markers of psychological inflexibility.  In terms of emotional well being, this is a disaster. 

If you want to test how psychologically flexible you are, take the AAQ (Note - the AAQ II on pg 4 of the document is simpler).  There is a great article on the dangers of avoiding painful emotions here.


My other major concern is that I don't think it is possible to practice both mindfulness and 'The Secret' and, like psychological flexibility, mindfulness is associated with emotional well being. 
Mindfulness has two components

1. self-regulation of attention so that it is maintained on immediate experience, thereby allowing for increased recognition of mental events in the present moment.  
2. adopting a particular orientation toward one’s experiences in the present moment, an orientation that is characterized by curiosity, openness and acceptance. (Bishop et al. (2004:232)

I think 'The Secret' encourages too much focus on an imagined future and also discourages an open, accepting approach to the present moment (especially to thoughts and feelings). I can't find a way to see this as healthy.

In my post on Science and The Secret I suggest some alternative approaches to creating success.

And the medal goes to....

The Most Generous Countries on Earth - NYTimes.com

Australia and NZ tie first place on Gallup's world giving index, a survey of donations, volunteering and being prepared to help strangers.

Australia is my adopted home - all I can say is 'Go us!'

Improving Your Relationship by Writing About it

I am a big fan of journaling.
Writing about our deepest thoughts and feelings for 20 minutes a day for just 3 days is associated with improved health, improved immune functioning, lessening of psychological distress following painful events and improved relationships..
This lovely study by James Pennebaker found that when couples journal their deepest thoughts and feelings about their relationship, they then tend to become more emotionally expressive with each other and are more likely to be together 3 months later.

Mindfulness and acceptance are associated with exercise maintenance

Mindfulness and acceptance are associated with exe... [Behav Res Ther. 2010] - PubMed result

How many of us start an exercise program and then...give it up?  A lot of us!
This paper makes the stunning suggestion that the reason we give up is because exercise is often uncomfortable.  But then they discuss an interesting finding - there is an association between mindfulness, acceptance and exercising more regularly. When people are able to non-judgementally notice the sensations produced by exercise and accept the discomfort as part of the price to be paid for the many benefits of regular exercise; they tend to miss fewer exercise sessions and feel more positive about achieving their fitness goals.

I have been pondering this finding. I think acceptance of discomfort, in the service of values around being healthy, is important in maintaining an exercise regime. However I also think that mindfulness transforms the experience of exercise. Instead of rushing to get to the end of each set of reps, if I observe with curiosity the sensations that arise as I repeat a movement, it becomes fascinating and also utterly joyful. And I feel so grateful that I have a body that does what I ask it to.

But I don't think that lack of acceptance is actually the major reason that most of us (including me!) aren't exercising enough. I think it is more about competing values. If I am to exercise more, then I need to do less of something else that I value - hanging out with my loved ones chatting and laughing? Focussing on my work?          Writing this blog? What do I give up?

I think that this is actually a genuinely difficult dilemma. The most recent pieces of research that have helped me with this are

• Mindfully doing housework increases the fitness benefits
• Gardening is good for children's self esteem - just wish I could get the kids on board with this one!
• Self compassion is a really good idea

And IMHO by far the best book on time management is 'Do it Tomorrow'

Forster recommends a 'Closed List Day Planner'  - each day write a list of what you need to get done, but only include what you can realistically get done in a day.  Then just do what is on the list. When you have finished the list - STOP and go and play!

Effective Parents Encourage Autonomy

If you want your teenager to

• Make good choices because they want to (rather than to please others)
• Handle their emotions effectively
• Pursue their interests with passion 
• Like and respect you, rather than resent you

Then you need to support your children in developing autonomy.

Practically what that means, is that you:

• Are interested in hearing their perspective even when it is different to your own (and don't act like their perspective is somehow less valid because they are a teenager)
• Give reasons for your opinions and advice
• Let them make their own decisions - but coach them to help them to consider all of the different options and think through the likely consequences of those different options
• Give them support when they need it - autonomy is different to independence.  They can get overwhelmed and feel a bit abandoned if you push them to become too independent too fast
• Live the values that you think are important.  For example, If you want them to value getting a good education then seeing you putting effort into learning new skills has more of an impact than all of the lectures you give them about how they must do well at school

What to do when you walk into a crowded room and discover you don't know anyone

Look for the person who looks most lonely, shy or anxious and go over and focus on doing what you can to make them feel more comfortable.

I read this years ago and have no idea of the source but it is a real humdinger of a tip

Watching Someone Else Struggle

'The most difficult thing in the world is to know how to do a thing and to watch someone else do it wrong without comment.' 

Science and 'The Secret'

Rob Archer just wrote a post on 'The Secret'.  He described it as 'Bollocks' and part of me went 'Yey!' because there is so much in 'The Secret' that is damaging (more on that in another post!) , but it got me thinking. So many people love 'The Secret' and persist with it, are there aspects of it that are useful? Is it possible to tease out the positive parts of the approach without the detrimental 'I have to send positive energy out to the universe by controlling my thoughts and feelings' part (which, is not only impossible but actually counter-productive). 
  
So 'Is there any science to support any of the idea's in 'The Secret'?'

'The Secret' seems to be based on a core belief that picturing what you want and having a positive expectation that it will happen, will actually make what you want to happen, really happen.  Now I can't find any science to support that core hypothesis and there are some huge flaws in the idea. However, this idea does relate to a couple of other important idea's that are worth exploring.

1. That it is possible to control how lucky you are
2. That believing you will succeed increases your chance of succeeding.

So let's look at those idea's.

1. Seeing yourself as 'lucky'. 

 Richard Wisemann has found that people who see themselves as lucky, live 'amazingly charmed lives, full of good fortune.' He found that lucky people actually generate their own good fortune via four principles.

'They are skilled at creating and noticing chance opportunities, make lucky decisions by listening to their intuition, create self-fulfilling prophesies via positive expectations, and adopt a resilient attitude that transforms bad luck into good.'

Wiseman found that teaching people these strategies increases their 'luck'.  The beauty of these strategies is that they are much easier to follow than trying to think happy thoughts all the time (which, as I have mentioned, is not only impossible but actually counter-productive!).

 2. Believing that you will be successful


The belief that you will be able to do what is necessary, so that you will achieve your goals is called Self- Efficacy. A lot of research has been done on how self-efficacy interacts with success.  The ideal level of self-efficacy (i.e.confidence that we will succeed) is to have slightly more confidence in ourselves than our actual ability.  This optimism encourages us to stretch ourselves, tackle challenges and persist in the face of difficulty. Which, of course, means we learn new skills, our life expands and we are more likely to be successful.  


However, if our self-efficacy outstrips our ability by too much, we can end up biting off more than we can chew and  fail.  This is a risk of 'The Secret'.  Followers of 'The Secret' seem to believe that thinking the right thoughts will help them to succeed. They don't seem to judge their likelihood of success based on past experiences of success or failure. This means that occasionally they will succeed at something surprising but they also risk repeated and sometimes disastrous failure.  Further, because they attribute success or failure to how well they managed to control their thoughts and feelings (which, I may have mentioned, is not only impossible but actually counter-productive!) they can fail to learn from their mistakes.


So if I was to write a best selling book on the secrets to a successful life (based on research on luck, self-efficacy and a little bit of ACT (of course!)) this is what it would say:

My Cat

• Have a clear picture of what 'success' looks like to you - be aware that we are constantly being told that success looks a certain way (usually involving money and status). Create your own picture. Mine involves a garden; some chickens; a cat, and the people I love.
• Be open to new experiences and breaking your normal routine  - if your usual approach isn't getting you the outcomes you want, try doing one thing different
• Set yourself written goals that stretch you a little - record your successes and remind yourself of those successes when you have to do something similar but more challenging
• Measure your success in two ways
• Did you achieve the outcome you wanted?
• Did you live your values?  Were you the person you want to be in the world?
• Repeatedly connect to the present moment through your five senses - so you get accurate information about what is happening and don't miss opportunities
• Use your intuition as a source of information - don't treat it as truth. But intuition can sometimes signal to us that we need to notice some aspect of a situation we haven't paid sufficient attention to
• When you want to do something challenging, prepare well and make a plan
• When your mind starts freaking you out, telling you how you will fail - accept that this is what minds do. Don't feel you have to either control or buy the thoughts. Check in with what is really happening in the world rather than what your mind is telling you is happening.  If what you want to do is important to you, 'Feel the fear and do it anyway!'

There is only one thing - to learn!

"The best thing for being sad," replied Merlin, beginning to puff and blow, "is to learn something. That's the only thing that never fails. You may grow old and trembling in your anatomies, you may lie awake at night listening to the disorder of your veins, you may miss your only love, you may see the world about you devastated by evil lunatics, or know your honour trampled in the sewers of baser minds. There is only one thing for it then — to learn. Learn why the world wags and what wags it. That is the only thing which the mind can never exhaust, never alienate, never be tortured by, never fear or distrust, and never dream of regretting. Learning is the only thing for you. Look what a lot of things there are to learn."  
T.H. White