How to Tell If Your Therapist is Any Good

 Susan Lwellyn has found that therapists are often out of sync with their clients around what they are doing in therapy that is useful. Clients find it most useful when they feel reassured and develop some strategies to solve their problems. Whereas therapists think they are being most useful when the client develops some insight into the cognitive and emotional causes of their problem. 

As a former therapist I know just how satisfying it feels to guide a client to an insight. I used to think "Now they understand how their current behaviour relates to their childhood experiences of emotional neglect, so they will now find it easy to change!" But, you know what, those long conversations didn't actually lead to a whole lot of change. I think they were based on a misunderstanding of what needs to happen in therapy.

William Miller (founder of an approach called Motivational Interviewing) discovered that some therapists do a much better job at helping their clients to change than others. Miller studied the differences between effective and ineffective therapists and found that the highly effective therapists:

• Were good at empathic listening and were genuinely interested in understanding the client’s perspective
• Coached the client to explore the pros and cons of change and helped them to make their own decision about whether they wanted to change
• When the client resisted the idea of change, the effective therapists ‘rolled with that resistance’ rather than arguing with the client.
• Had a respectful stance
• Honoring the client’s autonomy – the client gets to choose whether they change or not, and as adults, they take responsibility for the consequences of their choice.
• Viewing the client as the expert in their life. They didn’t talk down to the client but took a collaborative approach where they worked together to figure out what to do next.

So, here is my advice, if you want good therapy: 

• Look for a therapist who treats you and your perspective with respect
• Avoid therapists who argue with you; make you wrong or talk down to you
• Avoid therapists who want to spend hours working out how your parents/childhood messed you up
• Ask for the research evidence that supports the approach they are taking. 

How to be More Charismatic

Research suggests that charisma is determined by:

1. How expressive you are verbally and non-verbally
2. Whether people feel heard when they speak to you

When you are talking, what is the experience like for the listener? Are you open, animated, demonstrative and dynamic? Is there a degree of intensity and passion in your communication?  These characteristics capture people's attention and help them to connect with their own passion. Even something as simple as saying 'hello' to a friend can be 'charismatic' and demonstrate clearly how pleased you are to see them or be muted. That 'hello' may then set the tone for the interaction and, if it is the first time you have met, the rest of the relationship.

However, all that expressiveness wears pretty thin if people get the message that, in the end it is all about you. That you want all the limelight. Truly charismatic people also know when and how to give their attention to others. They listen intently. Their non-verbals show that they care about hearing your opinion and are moved by what you say.

So, if you aren't naturally expressive, would it be fake to adopt these characteristics?

I think, it depends on the reason you want to become more memorable and engaging. Does it align with some deeply held values? Perhaps you want to connect more deeply with the people you meet? Perhaps you want people to have a better experience when they interact with you?

When a change in behaviour is about becoming more like the person you want to be, then it might feel fake at first but over time it feels more and more like an expression of the 'real you'.

Would You Kill Hitler? Some Thoughts on Kids and TV

’If you could go back in time, would you kill Hitler?’ A few months ago my 16 year old daughter and I were having dinner with some friends and we started to discuss this question. My response was ‘Yes, I think that killing is wrong but think of the lives you could save’.

My daughter, Ellie, however, came up with a much more thoughtful answer, she said, ‘No, because Hitler has had such a huge impact on the world. Killing Hitler would change history and we don’t know in which direction. Someone else may have taken over the Nazi party and the Nazi’s might have won the war. What Hitler did has served as a warning to us of what people are capable of. It taught us of the dangers of racism and prejudice. We don’t know how the world would be changed if Hitler had been killed.’

I was gobsmacked. Where did this complex reasoning come from? Had she covered this in school? No. She got this from watching Dr Who. Ellie said that she learnt from Dr Who that there are points in time which can’t be changed because changing them changes the whole course of history.

Todd Kashdan wrote a great post on differentiating the form of a behaviour, in this case, watching television, from the function.  Television can just be Valium for our kids – keeping them quiet whilst we have a break (and sometimes we do need a break!) - but it can also be thought provoking. It can help to build maturity, perspective taking and reasoning skills.

I think that our job as parents is to get involved – to sit and watch the shows that interest our children and then talk about what happened. But (and this point is important) we need to show genuine interest in their view.  It can’t be like those cringe worthy ‘teaching moments’ they have in sitcoms where Mum says, ‘And what have we learnt from that?’. Instead we need to be curious and treat their opinion as valid. If we do that, I think we can make the most of that incredible window on the world that sits in the corner of the lounge room.

9 Reasons Why People Get Rejected for Being Too Nice

Sometimes people tell me that they seem to be repeatedly rejected by potential partners because they are 'too nice'. 

This is confusing and leaves the recipient of this feedback wondering whether they need to become less nice if they are to attract a partner.

I think that it is actually rare that the problem is that the person is too nice.


Instead, if this happens to you, it might be helpful to consider the following questions:

• You might have a tendency to choose damaged people who are uncomfortable when they are treated well. If this happens recurrently then you might need to pause and get some help to develop a more workable approach to relationships.
• Perhaps you are creating an unpleasant feeling of obligation in the other person because you always do more for them than they do for you? This is called a reciprocation debt.
• Are you inadvertently communicating a sense that you are nice because you lack confidence in yourself? You don't think you are worthy of love unless you are being nice all the time.
• Are you avoiding expressing your needs and wants? This means that the other person has to do a lot of work guessing what you really want and never gets the opportunity to be generous to you. (for example: If you are assertive and tell me that you want to watch a different TV show to the one I want to watch, then I can say 'Let's watch your show' and feel good about my generosity - giving tends to make us happier than getting) .
• Do you avoid making decisions? It is tiring for your partner to always be the one making the decision. 
• Are you too passive? Do you ever make the first move? If you don't take this risk, is it because you want to avoid being rejected?
• Do you avoid expressing passion and tend to stay safe? (read this poem!)
• Do you use 'being nice' as a way of avoiding authenticity? Perhaps you aren't willing to be vulnerable?

I think that a lot of these behaviours are about trying to avoid the risk of rejection. Sadly, when our focus is on avoiding emotional pain rather than on genuine, authentic connection we actually often seem to make it more likely we will be rejected.

My suggestion here is to get some clarity about who you want to be in a relationship. Decide on your relationship values. Then work out how 'being nice' fits with those values. When we are being kind, generous and compassionate as an expression of who we truly want to be in the world it feels quite different to when we are 'being nice' to try to avoid rejection or risk.

How to Be More Attractive

Research has shown that only a small proportion of our attractiveness is determined by fixed physical qualities. This is good news!
So how can you make the best of yourself?

1. Be kind and likeable - according to David Sloan Wilson (and common sense!) we find people we like, more attractive. If you aren't sure how likeable you are, then take the free IPIP- NEO personality test and check out your score on agreeableness.
2. Present yourself well - clean, well-groomed, nice hair, nice clothes, healthy weight 
3. Be trustworthy but not boring. If you think you might be boring then read this poem - I guarantee that if you live your life in this way, you won't be boring!
4. Be happy, positive and friendly
5. If you are a woman - wear your hair long and wear subtle make up
6. If you are a man - go to the gym and get muscular!

Much of this post is drawn from this blog on the science of attraction.

The Invitation

by Oriah Mountain Dreamer

It doesn't interest me what you do for a living
I want to know what you ache for
and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart's longing.

It doesn't interest me how old you are
I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool
for love
for your dreams
for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn't interest me what planets are squaring your moon...
I want to know if you have touched the center of your own sorrow
if you have been opened by life's betrayals
or have become shrivelled and closed
from fear of further pain.

I want to know if you can sit with pain
mine or your own
without moving to hide it
or fade it
or fix it.

I want to know if you can be with joy
mine or your own
if you can dance with wildness
and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your
fingers and toes
without cautioning us to
be careful
be realistic
to remember the limitations of being human.

It doesn't interest me if the story you are telling me
is true.
I want to know if you can
disappoint another
to be true to yourself.

If you can bear the accusation of betrayal
and not betray your own soul.
If you can be faithless
and therefore trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see Beauty
even when it is not pretty
every day.
And if you can source your own life
from its presence.

I want to know if you can live with failure
yours and mine
and still stand on the edge of the lake
and shout to the silver of the full moon,
"Yes."

It doesn't interest me
to know where you live or how much money you have.
I want to know if you can get up
after a night of grief and despair
weary and bruised to the bone
and do what needs to be done
to feed the children.

It doesn't interest me who you know
or how you came to be here.
I want to know if you will stand
in the center of the fire
with me
and not shrink back.

It doesn't interest me where or what or with whom
you have studied.
I want to know what sustains you
from the inside
when all else falls away.

I want to know if you can be alone
with yourself
and if you truly like the company you keep
in the empty moments.
 

© 1995 by Oriah House, From "Dreams Of Desire"
Published by Mountain Dreaming, 300 Coxwell Avenue, Box 22546, Toronto, Ontario, Canada M4L 2A0

Taking Our Needs Seriously

Sometimes we minimise or invalidate our own needs. When we are tired, we don't rest. When we are hungry, we don't eat. When we are sad, we tell ourselves not to be so stupid. What would it be like if we treated our needs with kindness?
Sometimes we can't get our needs met right away. 'Although I am tired, the baby is crying, so I better push on through' or 'I am feeling so sad, I really need a hug but none of my friends are around' or "I need to debrief my day but you are clearly really busy, so I will wait'
Just because we decide to treat ourselves with kindness doesn't mean we will get all of our needs met but perhaps life would be a little gentler? And perhaps that would be a good thing?

Your Brain Has Two Routes to Happiness

At the level of brain chemistry it seems there are two types of happiness:

1. Feeling emotionally secure, calm and peaceful.
2. Feeling excited, seeking achievement or 'resources' (money, possessions, food, sex etc)

The first type of happiness tends to arise most commonly when we feel cared for or we show caring to ourselves or others. When we feel we belong and are accepted.  

The second type of happiness arises when we pursue goals - at work, playing sport, shopping etc.

The first (feeling calm and safe) is associated with increased wellbeing.  If you struggle to feel calm, peaceful and safe the best route seems to be to build self -compassion.  One way of moving towards self compassion is to practice loving kindness meditation.

Responding with Curiosity

Coert Visser recently wrote a great blogpost about how solution focussed therapists respond to client 'resistance' (for example when clients make comments like 'This isn't working', 'I don't agree', 'That wouldn't work for me'). A solution focussed therapist views this 'resistance' differently to most other therapists. They see 'resistance' as an attempt by the client to make the therapy more useful and so they respond with openness and curiosity ('Tell me what it is about what I am doing that isn't working for you?').

I love this approach. It is so respectful and ultimately more effective than the approaches taken by many therapists of:

• Analysing what this 'resistance' means
• Implying that the client isn't committed to change
• Suggesting that this is a way of avoiding 'doing the work'
• Taking it personally and getting defensive!

I think that this approach of curiosity is useful in other areas of life. When my partner or co-worker or child 'resists' me - could I pause a moment, be open to the idea that they might have a point and get curious?

What Do You Want the Next 10 Years to Be Like?

In your life, do you:
Get into 'flow'- where you feel so deeply absorbed in what you are doing that you hardly notice time passing?
Do things that feel deeply meaningful to you?
Express and receive love and friendship?
Feel joy?
Achieve things that feel worthwhile to you?

According to Martin Seligman these are the foundations of a life well-lived. If these things have been happening in your life fairly consistently you are likely to be flourishing. If they aren't happening often enough for you - what do you need to do for the next 10 years of your life to be different?

Becoming Less 'Needy'

Neediness is both a feeling and an action.

We all get the feeling at times but we behave differently in response to the feeling.

So the first step in becoming less needy is to give yourself permission to feel needy.  Neediness comes from a desire to be loved and a fear of rejection. These are core parts of being human. Refusing to allow yourself to have these feelings is rejecting your own vulnerable humanity. People who refuse to acknowledge these feelings in themselves can have a tendency to act them out - perhaps by being rejecting, arrogant, demanding or manipulative. It isn't pretty.

The next step is to get a sense of whether your feelings of neediness are out of porportion to the threat in the situation. It might be perfectly reasonable to feel needy if your partner rarely wants to spend time with you and repeatedly compares you unfavourably to a co-worker. This is where you get a chance to test the quality of your friendships. If you ask genuine friends for their honest opinion, they will tell you when you are being unreasonable. If you decide that your needs are reasonable then ask in a straightforward way. Don't drop hints. Don't use it as a test. Just ask directly with kindness and self respect.

'Our relationship is really important to me, I know that you are very busy but I am missing you. Can we come up with a plan so we get to spend more time together?'


Accept that sometimes others can't meet our legitimate needs. But if it is a repetitive pattern, you may need to set some boundaries. For example:

'This is the second time you have cancelled a date at the last minute because you needed to work late with Kelly. I understand that you are busy and under a lot of pressure at the moment but if you don't give me enough notice of the change in plans it is hard for me to make other arrangements. Are you able to either keep your commitments to me or give me more notice of a change in plan? If not, then I think it might be best for me to make my own plans for the weekend without you.If we both happen to be free then we can see each other. I don't want to do that, as I really enjoy being with you but I can't think of another option. '

If, however, you come to the conclusion that your expectations of the other person are unreasonable then you may need to accept the needy feelings without acting on them. Instead, lean in to yourself with compassion and see if you can mindfully let the feelings rise and fall like waves and see if you can find other ways of getting your need for love and companionship met.

'Live as you will have wished to have lived when you are dying.'

Christian Furchtegott Gellert

Mindfully Dealing with Anger

Years ago, when I was a psychiatrist, I used to treat clients for problems with anger. One of the most useful strategies I taught my clients was to get good at noticing when their anger was just starting to rise (say from 4/10 to 5/10) and at that moment to pause and decide what action would be wisest. It worked like a charm. The majority of people with anger issues often let their anger bubble up to 9/10 and then find themselves acting out their rage.


Mindfulness  can make this strategy even more powerful. Mindful responses to anger involve becoming really curious about how anger feels in your body. Getting good at noticing those early signs, knowing what 5/10 feels like for you - perhaps it is a tension in your jaw, a slight churning feeling in the stomach? Noticing what your mind does when you are feeling angry - does it rage at the injustice or tell you that it isn't important, don't make a fuss?  Mindfulness involves getting good at holding those thoughts lightly and becoming better able to have those feelings without acting them out.


And then choosing what to do next based on values. Who do I want to be in the world? What do I want my life to stand for? How would I express that in my actions in this moment now?

Overcoming Self-Defeating Patterns of Behaviour

Most of us have some familiar self-defeating patterns of behaviour. It could be:

• Eating junk food when stressed or sad
• Trying to control other people 
• Dating people who don't treat us well
• Working too hard
• Spending too much time sitting watching bad TV
• ......the list goes on....

Most of us have also spent a lot of time figuring out 'What makes me act in this way?' and sometimes that is helpful. But I want to suggest an alternative strategy based on solution-focussed techniques:

1. Work out what behaviour you would like to do instead. For example: 'When I am stressed, I would like to nurture myself with delicious, healthy food'

2. Decide how that behaviour links to your values. (What you want your life to be about, Who you want to be in the world): I want to look after my body so that I give myself the best chance of living to a healthy old age where I can be a loving Mum, good friend, caring partner and continue to do the things I enjoy.

3. Ask yourself: Have there been any times when I have chosen the preferred behaviour? Have there been times when I have been stressed and I have eaten healthy food? What were the circumstances? What was different about those times? I didn't have to cook alone - I was either with someone who I enjoy preparing a meal with or I bought something easy and healthy that I could just heat up.

4. Could you make that happen more often when you are stressed? Probably.

5. Make a plan. 

When I cook a healthy meal, I will do a little extra and put it in the freezer so I can heat it up when I am tired and stressed

If I know I have got a stressful week coming up, I will schedule time to cook and eat with my loved ones. 

6. Start with one small step

7. Expect setbacks and lapses and respond to them with compassion

Some Research On the Benefits of Mindfulness Meditation

I am soon to give a speech on mindfulness in group work at the Institute of Group Leaders Conference in Sydney, so I thought I should pull together some of the recent research on the effects of mindfulness meditation. Here is what I came up with:

http://www.springerlink.com/content/720772266xj33972/ - The effect of mindfulness meditation  on stress reduction and rumination

http://www.springerlink.com/content/n26838t52m727u13/ - The effects of Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction (MBSR) on health and well being

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/curious/201001/what-maids-teach-us-about-physical-health-and-life-longevity-lesson-in-mindfulne - The benefits of mindfully doing housework

http://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/10.1111/j.1752-0606.2007.00032.x/full - Mindful relating in intimate relationships

http://www.ingentaconnect.com/content/springer/jcogp/2006/00000020/00000002/art00003 - Mindfulness and Positive Emotion

http://psycnet.apa.org/journals/ccp/68/4/615/  - Mindfulness based CBT

http://adviceonlifeandlove.blogspot.com/2010/09/mindfulness-and-acceptance-are.html - Mindfulness, acceptance and exercise maintenance

http://adviceonlifeandlove.blogspot.com/2010/12/everyday-mindfulness-v-mindfulness.html - The benefits of every day mindfulness

http://www.webmd.com/ibs/news/20110510/mindfulness-meditation-may-cut-ibs-symptoms - Mindfulness meditation and irritable bowel syndrome

http://www.webmd.com/multiple-sclerosis/news/20100927/mindfulness-meditation-vs-multiple-sclerosis - The effects of mindfulness meditation on well-being in people living with Multiple Sclerosis

http://women.webmd.com/news/20110603/stress-reduction-technique-may-ease-hot-flashes

http://chp.sagepub.com/content/13/1/34.short - Mindfulness for adolescents with learning difficulties

http://www.jimhopper.com/pdfs/Baer2003.pdf - Excellent review of mindfulness training as a clinical intervention by Ruth Baer

Do The Next Right Thing and Let That Be Enough

"Believe deep down in your heart that you're destined to do great things” ~Joe Paterno

This quote turned up in my twitter stream yesterday. It looks benign. It looks helpful. But it is seriously problematic.

Firstly, it implies that not only is it very important to get our 'beliefs' right but also that we can chose those beliefs. And this, ladies and gentlemen, is a con. We can try really hard to brain wash ourselves. We can repeat positive affirmations over and over. But deep down in our hearts most of us carry a secret  - that we aren't good enough. That we are too...something. Too selfish, too weak, too loud, too quiet, too greedy, too boring....if you dig around inside yourself and sit with the discomfort for a moment, you will be able to add your own words.

The brainwashing of our society makes the burden of that secret even harder to bear. Because apparently what we should be doing is believing deep down in our hearts that we are destined for something great. So we have failed before we have even started.

The quote also implies that we are all destined to do great things (as long as we get our thoughts stacked up right). And this is madness. What most of us are destined for is a life of ordinariness - raising children, working for a living, loving our family and friends. I think that chasing success and greatness are actually distractions from the challenge of doing the ordinary stuff well. I suspect that we want that distraction because it is actually really hard to do that stuff well.

I think a better quote would go something like:

'Even on the days when you worry that you are a fool and a failure; be kind and compassionate.  Come back to the present moment and do the next right thing. And let that be enough.'

I am paraphrasing Kelly Wilson here: In Appreciation of Crashing, Bliss Following, Hero's Journeying, and Practice.

How about it? Will you join me in doing the next right thing and let that be enough?


(This post first appeared on my other blog: Working With ACT)

Mindful Engagement

We can so easily half engage with the people we love. We listen to the same anecdotes over and over and it is easy to become bored and impatient. But we also know that kind attention at these times is a gift and a genuine act of love.
Russ Harris suggests mindfully engaging with our loved ones. This includes, observing with openness and curiosity, as if you are seeing it for the first time:

• Your loved ones expression. See if you can trace what they are expressing with their face. Watch the movement of their lips, the lines and creases that come and go as their expression changes.
• Their body language. How do they move their arms, legs, hands, feet, body? How do they hold their body as they talk?
• The rhythm and sound of their voice. The words they use. The subtle changes in tempo and tone.

Your mind may distract you with it's stories and judgements - mindfully bring your attention back to this moment now, with this person. This person you love.

The Benefits of Planning

My grandfather wanted our family to have a motto ( I know - I am not the only member of my family who can be a little eccentric!) and (Yes it gets worse...) he wanted it to be:

'Do not falter, do not shrink. First think out your work, then work out your think'

Like most of Grandad's daft ideas - there is some sense in it. Although the 1930's chirpiness of his chosen motto is a little dated, the underlying idea that it is often a good idea to :

1. Persist in the face of difficulty
2. Make a plan, and,
3. Follow the plan

are very sound. As long as you are also open to changing the plan as new information arises.

Is it a Good Idea to Act Authentically?

Well, it depends how you define authenticity.

Authenticity can be problematic when we define it as freely expressing our thoughts and feelings. I have made this mistake many times in the past. I believed that it was wrong to hide my true feelings, that it was important for me to be 'honest' with others. The problems with this approach were:

• It involved treating my thoughts and feelings as if they were true. I have since come to realise that sometimes they don't reflect the reality of a situation!
• It meant that my thoughts and feelings had control of my behaviour.
• It meant other people had to deal with my 'stuff' - sometimes that was helpful, at others, frankly, it wasn't.

A better definition of authenticity is when:

• Behaviour, goals and values are aligned.
• Values are freely chosen rather than imposed by others. They feel like an expression of my best self. The person I really want to be. Working out authentic values can take some time. We have to cut through what we have been taught is good and proper and get to the heart of what is important to us. There are some tips on how to do this here.
• I am honest with myself about my thoughts and feelings and then choose what to communicate with others. Hiding from my own thoughts and feelings leads to behaviour that feels inauthentic.

This way of behaving is associated with a number of positive outcomes:

1. I feel like my behaviour is an expression of my true self - which feels important.
2. Mindfully noticing my thoughts and feelings and then choosing which ones to act upon provides opportunity for growth.
3. Aligning behaviour and goals with values increases motivation
4. Others are more likely to trust me if my behaviour is predictable. Choosing behaviour based on a consistent set of values leads to more consistency than being pushed around by whatever thoughts and feelings show up at any particular moment.

So, yes it is a good idea to act authentically - as long as that means acting in accordance with deeply held values.

For further reading on the research relating to authenticity:

Chapter 11, Character Strengths and Virtues by Christopher Peterson and Martin Seligman

Count Your Acts of Kindness

For the next week, keep a record of the number of times you are kind to others. Otake et al (2006) found that doing this simple activity, for one week, lifted people's levels of happiness for at least a month.
They also found that people who naturally combined this activity with: doing more acts of kindness towards others and feeling more gratitude for kind acts from others towards themselves; experienced even larger increases in happiness:

Teenage Boys and Emotion

When my son was a teenager, this book was a great source of comfort and wisdom to me. In fairness to Patrick, I do have to acknowledge that he was an easy and delightful teenager who has grown into a lovely man - but this didn't seem to stop me from panicking!

Celia Lashlie spent time listening to teenage boys and discovered some useful information. Here is a quote:

'In time I came to understand that the idea of not needing to talk about some difficult or stressful situation wasn't part of a male conspiracy to keep information away from women - at least not always. Sometimes it is true that males - both adolescent boys and adult men - don't want or need to talk. They just want time to let the conflicting emotions settle until they can make some sense of them and get a grip on what they are feeling. Unlike me, they don't work out what they are feeling by talking about it - they work it out  - and then sometimes - talk about it.'

Maths Problems v Sunsets

I was recently at an ACT workshop run by the amazing Kelly Wilson. He explored some interesting idea's about how our minds work. How we have this endless drive to solve problems - and sometimes this isn't helpful.

One of the wonderful things about ACT is that it is 'open source' - people are pleased if you use their stuff. So a few days later, I tried out Kelly's approach:

I Am Writing This Post Standing Up

I have been reading about the health benefits of working whilst standing. There is a link between the amount of time spent sitting and mortality - yikes! So I have constructed this ramshackle standing desk and I am giving it a go.

I quite like it so far.

I Wish I Had Looked After My Teeth

My father is in his 70's. He has been having some problems with his heart recently and after some weeks discovered that an infection in a tooth was making things worse. There is increasing research linking gum disease with heart disease and stroke.

He said to me:'I wish I had taken better care of my teeth. It would have saved me a lot of pain and discomfort. And what is really frustrating is I knew this when I was young and I still didn't do it. In my 20's I had a friend with perfect teeth. He told me that the secret to healthy teeth was:
1. No lollies
2. Clean your teeth after every meal (not just twice a day)
3. Floss every day'


This is good advice. Better go and clean my teeth....

And here is Pam Ayres: " I Wish I Had Looked After My Teeth"

There is No Reliable Way of Spotting a Bad Partner Without Being Hurt a Little

'There is no reliable way of picking a bad partner before you have been burnt a bit. The key concept is being burnt only a bit, not avoiding getting burnt at all. If you pull out of a relationship the moment you see any possibility of being hurt, you will never have anything that lasts very long. Grown up people know the perfect partner doesn't exist. You need to give someone a reasonable try, as well as a few warnings and options to change. You must give him room to express his own individuality, but if he doesn't seem capable of working out where reasonable limits lie himself, you probably won't be able to teach him'
Julian Short in 'An Intelligent Life"

Expect Trouble as an Inevitable Part of Life...

'Expect trouble as an inevitable part of life, and when it comes, hold your head high, look it squarely in the eye and say, 'I will be bigger than you. You cannot defeat me.' Then repeat to yourself the most comforting words of all, 'This too will pass'.'
Ann Landers

A List of Useful Dating Articles

These articles are either genuinely good or written by me (so you will have to be the judge of those ones!)

On handling heartbreak

On flirting:

Flirting and Body language - be quiet and non-threatening until they decide you are 'safe'

The five types of flirting - some are better than others

Evidence based flirting tips - including: when flirting with a man use a direct no-nonsense approach

Becoming more charismatic - or how Bill Clinton does it!

On online dating

More on on-line dating

Women find 'undecided' men more attractive

On choosing the right person:

Date more kind men with shared interests and good values

Don't persist in the hope that you can change them

Be extra careful about your choices when you are feeling lonely

Choose based on what they actually do, rather than what they say they do

How our conversation inadvertently signals whether we are looking for a one night stand or a relationship

Why decisive rather than attractive women end up with the best men

Is it time to settle?

Is there something wrong with me?

And other dating bits and pieces:

How relationships develop - from a male point of view

Dating over 40

If Positive Affirmations Only Help People with High Self-Esteem - What Is a Better Way of Dealing with Low Confidence?

Do you ever feel bad for having ‘negative’ thoughts? Do you repeat positive affirmations about yourself in an attempt to lift your confidence? At least 50% of us do this regularly and sometimes it does seem to help. However, recent research is suggesting we need to be careful about using this strategy. A group of Canadian researchers found that:

‘When people with low self-esteem repeated the statement, ‘‘I’m a lovable person’’ (Study 2), or focused on ways in which this statement was true of them (Study 3), neither their feelings about themselves nor their moods improved—they got worse. Positive self-statements seemed to provide a boost only to people with high self-esteem—those who ordinarily feel good about themselves already—and that boost was small.’

What seems to happen is that when we repeat a positive self-statement, we tend to assess whether we think it is true or not. If we have a positive view of ourselves, we are likely to accept the statement and perhaps feel slightly reassured. However, if the statement is very different to our view of ourselves then our minds tend to respond with ‘Yeh right! If I am so lovable then why did Jane dump me?’ We are reminded of our failings and hey presto we feel worse.

So, relying on positive self-statements to get us through challenges is a risky strategy.

Some better options when you are about to do something that involves the risk of failure, rejection or disapproval are:

• Put effort in to give yourself the best chance of getting it right. Prepare, practice, get the necessary skills. When it doesn’t go well, reflect on your performance and seek feedback so you can learn how to do better next time. Nothing builds confidence like repeated experiences of success.
• Adopt a mindful stance to all of your thoughts and emotions. Notice with curiosity, compassion and openness what your mind comes up with. For example, as your anxiety rises say ‘Ah, there is anxiety, I am not surprised anxiety showed up, this is important to me,
•  Instead of repeating ‘I am confident’, remind yourself of the values that are motivating you to take this action, for example: ‘I am giving this presentation because I want to help people do well in their work’. (Reaffirming values increases performance)
• Ground yourself. Notice this moment with your five senses. Connect with what you are doing. Bring your attention to the task at hand and the people with you. Your mind will repeatedly try to pull you away, each time you notice that this has happened, thank your mind (it is trying to help!) and reconnect with this moment.

For more on this topic I recommend The Confidence Gap by Russ Harris

Suddenly Single - A practical strategy

A couple of years ago I was suddenly single. The heartbreak was awful.

There was one unexpected source of pain. I realised that the person I told my 'boring' stuff to, was my partner and there was apparently quite a lot of it! You know the sort of thing: 'Guess who I saw at the shopping centre...". "And I just couldn't decide between the red and the blue...". "I have finished my book."

My Mum put this more beautifully. She said "Your Dad is the person I call when I am washing up and notice a lovely sunset. He comes over and we stand for a moment and enjoy it together."

When I found myself suddenly single, I was surprised how much pain was triggered by this lack of a person to share those unimportant moments.

My strategy for dealing with this was to start a journal where I wrote all this stuff down. It definitely helped me and I discovered I loved journalling and have kept it up for years now. Even better, I have since discovered is good for me anyway!

Surfing Emotions

'Emotions have a natural life span. like a wave, they surge, crest, and then recede.

If you have a tendency to avoid painful feelings, trying to numb out or somehow shut off the hurt, you may not appreciate that painful emotions have a limited life span. As pain wells up, you may cut it off before seeing that there is a crest, and beyond it a downward slope. You may not know that even the worst emotions subside - naturally and spontaneously.
Try sticking with an emotion and watching it to see how this works. With time you will learn something about how long they last, and how they morph and soften over time.' from p153 'Your Life on Purpose

Actions v Intentions

'Remember people will judge you by your actions not your intentions.
You may have a heart of gold, but so does a hard-boiled egg'
Navjot Singh Sidhu

Using Mindfulness to Improve Relationships

Do you think you know the back of your hand? What do you think it would be like to spend 5 minutes mindfully looking at the back of your hand?

Russ Harris ran this exercise at his recent 'Happiness Trap' workshop. He has a free MP3 of it here if you want to give it a go.

As I did this activity, I discovered that I didn't know the back of my hand at all.  I probably haven't really looked at my hand properly since I was a toddler. It has changed somewhat since then! And some of the miracles that fascinated me when I was tiny are still there - look at your knuckles, they are amazing!

How does this relate to relationships?

Over time, we become accustomed to the important people in our lives. We assume we know who they are. It is easy to stop really hearing or seeing them. What this activity taught me was to really work to be present and curious with the people I love. And every time I forget, I notice the back of my hand and remind myself that if I love this person then they deserve my mindful attention.

Working out if you need to date more people in order to find Mr or Ms Right

I recently asked my sister, Rebecca, for some dating advice. Here is her response to one of the questions I asked her.


Am I having trouble finding Mr or Ms Right because I haven't dated enough people?


Rebecca:
Quote:  ‘If you were to give me forty such men I never could be so happy as you. Till I have your disposition, your goodness. I never can have your happiness. No, no, let me shift for myself; and, perhaps, if I have very good luck, I may meet with another Mr.Collins in time.’ (Elizabeth Bennett in Pride and Prejudice)

Well, I think it's more helpful to ask: 'Have I dated enough of the right type of person for me?'  Because personally I turned down at least 50% of the guys who asked me out.  You could date a hundred thousand narcissists and be nowhere near happiness.  In fact you'd probably be somewhere near suicidal...  But if you date forty good kind men who have similar interests and values to you, then amongst them you will find a match for your soul, whereas if you'd only dated three of them, you might not.

So how come so many nice guys asked me out?  Firstly and I think most importantly - I like nice men.  This gives me a dating edge as lots of women don't choose them or they choose them but in an 'okay I'll settle for you, you seem like a good bet' kind of way or a 'well, the type of men I find really attractive have kicked me to hell and back, so I shall cling to you like a life raft' kind of way.  Neither is exactly flattering or respectful.  Whereas I actually like them and find them genuinely attractive - they are my preferred choice - this meant that I was always a rare creature in an under-supplied area.  I am moved to ecstasy by the sight of a man doing the washing up.  The first thing my husband ever said to me was 'Can I make you a cup of tea?' and I fairly swooned with desire.  Secondly - I had rejected other less worthy men who asked me out, so I was single and available to be offered tea.  Thirdly - I make the best of myself.  Being beautiful isn't worth much in dating - look at all the beautiful celebrities and how short-lived and unhappy their marriages are and how they struggle to find love.  Think of the truly great beauties - Marilyn Monroe, Elizabeth Taylor and all the people in celebrity magazines today...  Are they well-known for their happy stable relationships?  No, the perfect body or face is no help at all.  It's not what you're born with, it's how you work it.  Dressing well and wearing make up etc shows self-respect.  It is not the same as dressing in a sexually available way that sends out the signal 'open to all comers'.  And it's not the same as natural beauty which can be a curse as much as a blessing.  Being well-dressed and taking a bit of care is attractive.  Then if you also listen attentively to what your date has to say whilst finding them attractive for who they really are, rather than who they might be with a few 'improvements' - that seems to be a potent mix!  So on this one I'd say 'Make sure you're dating the right sort of person for you - same values, similar interests, fundamentally kind.  Then, and only then, date as many as it takes to find the right one and gently but promptly let go of the wrong ones.'

Is there something wrong with my dating choices?

After a series of disappointing relationships, people often ask themselves 'Is there is something wrong with my choices?'. I asked my lovely sister, Rebecca, for her thoughts on this. Here is her response:

Rebecca:

Quote 'When you're in a hole, stop digging'

Ladies and Gentlemen... It's this one.  Look no further, because this is the one.  99% of singles I know, when they tell me their tales of woe, this is what was wrong - they chose the wrong person and then flogged that dead horse shouting: 'Run, you bugger, run!' when everyone around them could see that it was pointless.  Not ending the relationship quickly enough when it's not right.  Clinging on to someone with an idea of what he 'could be'.  A romantic partner is not a renovation project, and it is disrespectful to not love them as they actually are - loving an image of who they might be one day is not the same thing as loving them, and they deserve to be with someone who really loves them.  Until you get out of the way, they won't have that opportunity. 

As for choosing the same type of wrong person over and over again - it's like an addiction.  First - recognise the addiction, the 'type' who is toxic for you, write down every behaviour they do, specific things they say, excuses they make, and your usual response.  Then, the next time you are asked out/meet someone, take it much, much slower and look for the clues.  Don't make excuses.  Excuses sound like this: 'Well, he did drink quite a lot on that third date, but he was fine on the first and second, so it's probably not my old pattern, and he didn't actually vomit on me or anything...' or 'Okay, he commented on my eating dessert and said that he generally likes slimmer women than me, and that I'd be pretty if I just lost a bit of weight, but then later on he said a few really nice things, so I shouldn't overreact.' or 'He talked about his ex-wife for over two hours, but he said that he's over her, and he seemed sincere when he said it'.    

If they do something that's on your list, then you have to walk away like an alcoholic putting down a beer glass.  And like an alcoholic, you'll be thinking 'Oh, I'm making a big deal of nothing, I shouldn't be walking away, this isn't really addiction, I'm over-dramatising'.  And like an alcoholic, the addictive desire will be at its height at this moment, so check in with some support, tell yourself 'I'll just wait 24 hours before acting on anything.' And then wait another 24 hours after that.  If the pattern is really destructive (alcoholics, abuse, narcissists etc.) then I'd recommend taking a whole year out from dating and consider going to SLAA - learn to live without the addiction for a year before trying to find someone who isn't an addiction.  I have to say, from my own experience, this has the advantage of making you desperately attractive.  I once took 18 months off dating for my own reasons. During my 18 months off, I told young men who asked me out 'Actually I'm taking a break from dating.  I'm planning to think about dating again in [date]' and they had marked the date in their diary.  I woke up to find a queue outside my front door.  Sadly I turned them all down. 

Answering the three questions we ask when dating is going badly

I am about  to run a workshop on 'Dating in Mid-life' at The Relaxation Centre of QLD. Hence the recent flurry of relationship/dating related posts.

When dating isn't going well, people (including me!) tend to ask themselves:

1. Is there something wrong with me?

2. Is there is something wrong with my choices?

3. Have I dated enough people?

My younger sister, Rebecca, is unusual in two respects:

1. She has dated a lot of genuinely lovely men

2. She is now very happily married

So I asked for her response to these questions. Here is her answer to the first question: 'Is there is something wrong with me?' (She will address the other two questions in the next two posts).

Rebecca: 
I would challenge this question with: 'But am I truly happy with myself?'.  So for instance 'Are men/women being put off by my constant criticism of them?'  If the answer is 'yes' then: 'Do I want to be a constantly critical person, is it making me happy?'  Or for instance 'Am I sabotaging the relationship by 'testing' men/women too much?".  If 'yes' then: 'Is my distrust of men/women making me happy?'.  

Probably not in both cases.  

So make decisions to change from the basis of your own happiness, without any attachment to the idea that it will help with dating.  Taking another contrasting idea 'Women are put off because I'm overweight', but then 'This is my natural weight and dieting makes me miserable'  If it is, then changing it in order to be attractive to women will lead to resentment, and inevitable disappointment.  Or 'Men are put off because I earn more than them and I am clever.'  and then 'But I like my job and do I really have to play dumb?'  In both cases, changing the 'something "wrong" with me' is actually moving away from happiness.  That's the crucial test.  

Being happy helps with dating, but it should be an end in itself, and changing something in yourself with an external instead of an internal motivation never really works.  A commitment to personal growth and honest self examination is part of good mental hygiene, and should be done as reguarly as brushing your teeth, if only to ensure that you are living deliberately.  Dating may be one of the many prompts towards personal growth, but 'it's all just learning' as a dear friend always used to tell me!  

Living On Purpose

'You can approach your life as if your purpose is just to get by until the clock runs out, or you can work to make something of every moment you have.  There are really only two ways to go here. Both are choices. Only you can make the choice to live your life on purpose. Will you?'

How to Become More Secure

Attachment research is currently a hot topic in psychology. Apparently we can be divided into three attachment styles:

Secure – Warm; comfortable with closeness and intimacy; find it easy to express loving feelings. Tend to have positive feelings about themselves and their partners. 
Anxious - Worry about whether their partner loves them enough and whether they might be abandoned. Tend to be preoccupied with the relationship. Tend to be highly vigilant for signs of lack of approval from their partner and can become overly dependent. They can respond impulsively to their feelings of anxiety.
Avoidant – Feels uncomfortable being close, fears losing their independence. If they get rejected they will tend to distance themselves. They can either be dismissive, and see themselves as not needing close relationships, or fearful and have feelings of ambivalence; both wanting and avoiding closeness at the same time.

Our attachment style is learnt in our early interactions with our parents. Secure parents tend to raise secure children, unpredictable parents tend to raise anxious or avoidant children. However, later experiences can influence our attachment style – lots of rejection or disappointment in relationships can tend to make us more anxious and avoidant; which in turn can make rejection and disappointment more likely. A long term secure relationship can lift our levels of security.

You can take a test here to find what your attachment style is.

Understanding your style and the style of your partner (or prospective partner) can be incredibly useful. If I know I have a tendency to be anxious or avoidant, it might be wise to spend some time considering who I want to be as a partner and then create a 'relationship values statement' for myself (an example of mine is at the end of this earlier post). I can then use Russ Harris’ three questions to help me choose how I will respond when impulses to cling or reject arise. The questions are:

Am I:

1. Moving towards my values or away from my values?

2. Allowing private experience (thoughts, impulses, memories) or avoiding private experience? When we reject or hyper-vigilantly seek reassurance, it is often because we don't want to sit with some painful thoughts or feelings.
3. Connected with the here and now or disconnected from the here and now? Sometimes our impulse to move away is sensible (we are being treated badly) and sometimes it doesn't relate to what is happening in the real world but is more a response to a story our mind has created ('People always leave me in the end', 'When she gets to know me, she will know I am not good enough'). It is invaluable to become skilful at noticing the difference between observable facts and our mind's interpretation of events.

Research on behaviour change suggests that doing some 'If..then' planning can also be useful when we want to adopt a new approach.  What this means is that we take some time to think of situations that are likely to trigger the unwanted behaviour and plan an alternative approach.  For example: My partner calls and says he is feeling tired and cancels our date, I feel rejected and become anxious. My impulse might be to become needy 'If you cared about me, you would want to come over' or avoidant 'That is fine, I am busy anyway'.  If...then planning involves developing a plan for these situations. So I might plan to respond instead with 'Oh, I was looking forward to spending some time with you. Do you want to spend the evening alone or would you like me to come over to your place?'.

The Happy Couple's Secret Weapon - According to John Gottman

In his extensive research, John Gottman has found that there are a number of key differences between happy and unhappy couples.

One of these differences relates to the presence of 'repair attempts' during arguments. When happy couples argue, if the conflict starts to escalate, one of them will break the tension. They might make a joke, apologise; express empathy or even suggest taking a break from the discussion. In happy couples the other partner responds positively to a repair attempt - treating it as a genuine effort to make things better.

The key here is that this is a two step process:

1. one of the pair makes a peace offering 
2. the other person notices it and responds positively.

How Relationships Develop - from a Male Point of View

I have expressed my doubts about this book previously - so I won't go on about it again.  But I am compelled to share some more information from MrMolloy's book that you might find useful.

His survey suggests that for men there are nine stages in a relationship, here are the first six:

Stage 1 - Living up to Expectations
We make assumptions about what someone is like based on our first impressions. The question here is  - does she live up to those expectations? If the answer is no - then he won't call again. Sorry about that.

Stage 2 - Getting to Know You
In this stage men are interested in finding out:

• Does she enjoy male company?  (Women with brothers and male friends get asked on more follow up dates.)
• Does she want to have a good time or is she too preoccupied with impressing her date to enjoy herself?
• Is she good-natured, friendly and positive but assertive? Does she tend to happily go along with his suggestions  - but if she doesn't want to, then she expresses her views firmly and clearly?
• Does she show genuine interest in him? 
• Is she kind?

Stage 3 - Needs and Lifestyles

In this stage the couple are working out whether their interests and lifestyles are compatible?

Stage 4 - Steady Dating

The couple now go out for regular dates together - after about 4-6 dates men see themselves as in a 'dating relationship' (whereas women tend to see themselves as in a relationship after 2-3 dates - anyone see a problem here?) 

Men and women also differ in when they think they have transitioned from casual dating into a monogamous relationship.

Stage 5 - Romancing the Woman
During this stage, men put lots of energy into pleasing the woman. Pleasing her, pleases him.

Stage 6 - Getting Comfortable
This is the slopping around in pyjama's phase. The couple start to spend more time together. They start to be themselves, to try less hard. He may seem to be taking her for granted.  Women can inadvertently respond to this by trying hard to please the man, in the hope that this will make him realise how special  she is. Molloy advises against this.  He suggest women need to be kind and assertive. He also advises women to clarify at this stage whether the man sees the relationship as serious. Women can assume his behaviour means he has made a commitment to her - but he might just be feeling comfortable!

Stage 6 - Committed Couplehood
They pair start to see themselves as a couple. They prioritise the relationship. They make small sacrifices to please the other - she watches football with him, he goes to her friend's party and works hard to be interested in the conversation. They hang out together. They are affectionate to each other. As the relationship progresses, they share confidences and keep each others secrets.

Couples over 40 have a tendency to move through these stages more quickly than younger couples. They are often monogamous after the first date and can get comfortable after two months.  However, in older men, this does not necessarily signal a long term commitment to the relationship - which can cause problems, as women may interpret this stage differently and then feel aggrieved when they discover that he sees things differently.

There are a lot of models for how relationships progress but I have to say that this one seems to most reflect my real life experiences.  How about you?