How Relationships Develop - from a Male Point of View

I have expressed my doubts about this book previously - so I won't go on about it again.  But I am compelled to share some more information from MrMolloy's book that you might find useful.

His survey suggests that for men there are nine stages in a relationship, here are the first six:

Stage 1 - Living up to Expectations
We make assumptions about what someone is like based on our first impressions. The question here is  - does she live up to those expectations? If the answer is no - then he won't call again. Sorry about that.

Stage 2 - Getting to Know You
In this stage men are interested in finding out:

• Does she enjoy male company?  (Women with brothers and male friends get asked on more follow up dates.)
• Does she want to have a good time or is she too preoccupied with impressing her date to enjoy herself?
• Is she good-natured, friendly and positive but assertive? Does she tend to happily go along with his suggestions  - but if she doesn't want to, then she expresses her views firmly and clearly?
• Does she show genuine interest in him? 
• Is she kind?

Stage 3 - Needs and Lifestyles

In this stage the couple are working out whether their interests and lifestyles are compatible?

Stage 4 - Steady Dating

The couple now go out for regular dates together - after about 4-6 dates men see themselves as in a 'dating relationship' (whereas women tend to see themselves as in a relationship after 2-3 dates - anyone see a problem here?) 

Men and women also differ in when they think they have transitioned from casual dating into a monogamous relationship.

Stage 5 - Romancing the Woman
During this stage, men put lots of energy into pleasing the woman. Pleasing her, pleases him.

Stage 6 - Getting Comfortable
This is the slopping around in pyjama's phase. The couple start to spend more time together. They start to be themselves, to try less hard. He may seem to be taking her for granted.  Women can inadvertently respond to this by trying hard to please the man, in the hope that this will make him realise how special  she is. Molloy advises against this.  He suggest women need to be kind and assertive. He also advises women to clarify at this stage whether the man sees the relationship as serious. Women can assume his behaviour means he has made a commitment to her - but he might just be feeling comfortable!

Stage 6 - Committed Couplehood
They pair start to see themselves as a couple. They prioritise the relationship. They make small sacrifices to please the other - she watches football with him, he goes to her friend's party and works hard to be interested in the conversation. They hang out together. They are affectionate to each other. As the relationship progresses, they share confidences and keep each others secrets.

Couples over 40 have a tendency to move through these stages more quickly than younger couples. They are often monogamous after the first date and can get comfortable after two months.  However, in older men, this does not necessarily signal a long term commitment to the relationship - which can cause problems, as women may interpret this stage differently and then feel aggrieved when they discover that he sees things differently.

There are a lot of models for how relationships progress but I have to say that this one seems to most reflect my real life experiences.  How about you?

Dealing with The Valentines Day Blues

Valentines Day almost inevitably draws our attention to our romantic relationships. All the hearts and flowers and hoopla have the tendency to make our minds compare the current level of romance in our lives with what we want that part of our life to be like.

If there is a gap between what we want and what we are experiencing then we feel sad, hurt, sometimes even angry.

So how to deal with that pain? Here are some tips:

1. Acknowledge that it is reasonable to feel pain when an important aspect of your life isn't the way you want it to be. This doesn't mean you are weak or don't have the right attitude. It means that you are human.
2. Be very kind to yourself. This is a time for self compassion. And when you are ready...
3. Spend some time thinking about what you want. But here is an important twist. Instead of focussing on what you want Prince or Princess Charming to be like, focus on what qualities you want to bring to a relationship.  What sort of partner do you want to be?
4. Now think about how you could live at least some of those values straight away. See if you can keep gently bringing your attention back to the question 'Am I living my values?' rather than 'Is my life the way I want it to be?'
5. And when you do find a possible Prince or Princess Charming, notice whether being around them seems to make it easier or harder to be the person you want to be. If living those values is really difficult with this particular person, then, for you, they may just be a frog. 

Here is an excerpt from my own romantic relationship values statement:

I want to be affectionate, kind, authentic and curious. I want to laugh easily and look for opportunities to have fun with my partner. I want to resolve disagreements with grace. I want to express my wants and needs directly and accept that sometimes my partner will need to say 'no' to meeting those wants and needs. I want to look for opportunities to do things that are likely to make my partner happy and also I want to know when I need to say 'no' (and say it gracefully). I want to be mindful.....

Do I live those values all the time? Nope.  Do I find that using those statements as a compass to guide my behaviour helps me to more often be the person I want to be? Absolutely. And has that made my life better? Well, so far, so good.

Mindful Eating

Evidence is growing that the best approach to healthy eating is to eat mindfully.

So I am giving it a go. I read recently that flavour is composed of taste, smell, texture, appearance and temperature. So I am working on noticing all of these components when I eat.

This morning I started to eat this:

and when I really focussed on the sensation in my mouth I noticed that although it was sweet it was also quite floury and claggy in my mouth. ('Claggy' means 'stickily clinging' to those of you who weren't brought up in Derbyshire). I had one mouthful and went looking for something else.
This is what I chose:

The berries were a taste sensation - smooth and firm on the outside, explosions of taste when I bit into them.

So my conclusion

1. Mindful eating is fun!
2. Mindful eating helps me to question my unconscious rules about what I like to eat. Which is a good thing!

How to Handle Heartbreak

I am going to be running a half day session at The Relaxation Centre of Queensland on 'Dating over 40'.

One of the topics I will be dealing with is handling heartbreak.  I have experienced utter searing heartbreak three times in my life. Three times, I have been so overwhelmed with the pain of loss that I felt like my heart was being ripped out of my chest.  But here I am loving again with an open heart. In the full knowledge that I may well experience that pain again – frightened of that pain but still willing to risk it.

So what helped me get through those dark nights of the soul?

I am deeply ambivalent about Paul McKenna with his ‘I can make you…’ promises and his disconcertingly sleazy hypnosis voice. However this book really helped me. He gives brilliant practical tips. Like suggesting moving the furniture around, so you aren’t eating your breakfast in exactly the same spot with only one difference, the loved one isn’t with you (I was very surprised by how effective this one is!). He also explains how part of the pain of heartbreak is that your brain is suffering withdrawal symptoms from 'love chemicals' and so you are a bit like a coke addict coming down – knowing this made me less worried that I was going crazy!

Linda Richman writes about how our loved ones get distressed about our distress and so they want us to be strong and positive. But what we really need is to 'scream and cry and fall apart'. She suggests letting yourself have the odd doona day where you just let yourself be utterly sad, watch sad movies and cry.  But, and this bit is important, after 2 days you get up, get dressed and get on with life again.

Russ Harris draws on ACT and writes that struggling against pain tends to make things worse. Instead make space for the pain and lean into yourself with compassion. Honour the pain as a sign that this was an important relationship. That this is part of living a rich and meaningful life.  Connect with what this tells you about what is important to you.

During those fierce times I become particularly aware of how blessed I am in my friends and family – My dear family in England who listened to me sob when I phoned them at 3 am Queensland time. A couple of dear friends who were willing to rock me whilst I cried and didn't try to change how I felt. The friends who listened to me go over and over the story until even I was sick of it. My kids who were so confident that I would be happy again and distracted me with jokes and hugs and their need for me to focus on some one other than myself.

I am really interested to hear your thoughts. What has helped you get through heartbreak?