Responding with Curiosity

Coert Visser recently wrote a great blogpost about how solution focussed therapists respond to client 'resistance' (for example when clients make comments like 'This isn't working', 'I don't agree', 'That wouldn't work for me'). A solution focussed therapist views this 'resistance' differently to most other therapists. They see 'resistance' as an attempt by the client to make the therapy more useful and so they respond with openness and curiosity ('Tell me what it is about what I am doing that isn't working for you?').

I love this approach. It is so respectful and ultimately more effective than the approaches taken by many therapists of:

• Analysing what this 'resistance' means
• Implying that the client isn't committed to change
• Suggesting that this is a way of avoiding 'doing the work'
• Taking it personally and getting defensive!

I think that this approach of curiosity is useful in other areas of life. When my partner or co-worker or child 'resists' me - could I pause a moment, be open to the idea that they might have a point and get curious?

What Do You Want the Next 10 Years to Be Like?

In your life, do you:
Get into 'flow'- where you feel so deeply absorbed in what you are doing that you hardly notice time passing?
Do things that feel deeply meaningful to you?
Express and receive love and friendship?
Feel joy?
Achieve things that feel worthwhile to you?

According to Martin Seligman these are the foundations of a life well-lived. If these things have been happening in your life fairly consistently you are likely to be flourishing. If they aren't happening often enough for you - what do you need to do for the next 10 years of your life to be different?

Becoming Less 'Needy'

Neediness is both a feeling and an action.

We all get the feeling at times but we behave differently in response to the feeling.

So the first step in becoming less needy is to give yourself permission to feel needy.  Neediness comes from a desire to be loved and a fear of rejection. These are core parts of being human. Refusing to allow yourself to have these feelings is rejecting your own vulnerable humanity. People who refuse to acknowledge these feelings in themselves can have a tendency to act them out - perhaps by being rejecting, arrogant, demanding or manipulative. It isn't pretty.

The next step is to get a sense of whether your feelings of neediness are out of porportion to the threat in the situation. It might be perfectly reasonable to feel needy if your partner rarely wants to spend time with you and repeatedly compares you unfavourably to a co-worker. This is where you get a chance to test the quality of your friendships. If you ask genuine friends for their honest opinion, they will tell you when you are being unreasonable. If you decide that your needs are reasonable then ask in a straightforward way. Don't drop hints. Don't use it as a test. Just ask directly with kindness and self respect.

'Our relationship is really important to me, I know that you are very busy but I am missing you. Can we come up with a plan so we get to spend more time together?'


Accept that sometimes others can't meet our legitimate needs. But if it is a repetitive pattern, you may need to set some boundaries. For example:

'This is the second time you have cancelled a date at the last minute because you needed to work late with Kelly. I understand that you are busy and under a lot of pressure at the moment but if you don't give me enough notice of the change in plans it is hard for me to make other arrangements. Are you able to either keep your commitments to me or give me more notice of a change in plan? If not, then I think it might be best for me to make my own plans for the weekend without you.If we both happen to be free then we can see each other. I don't want to do that, as I really enjoy being with you but I can't think of another option. '

If, however, you come to the conclusion that your expectations of the other person are unreasonable then you may need to accept the needy feelings without acting on them. Instead, lean in to yourself with compassion and see if you can mindfully let the feelings rise and fall like waves and see if you can find other ways of getting your need for love and companionship met.

'Live as you will have wished to have lived when you are dying.'

Christian Furchtegott Gellert

Mindfully Dealing with Anger

Years ago, when I was a psychiatrist, I used to treat clients for problems with anger. One of the most useful strategies I taught my clients was to get good at noticing when their anger was just starting to rise (say from 4/10 to 5/10) and at that moment to pause and decide what action would be wisest. It worked like a charm. The majority of people with anger issues often let their anger bubble up to 9/10 and then find themselves acting out their rage.


Mindfulness  can make this strategy even more powerful. Mindful responses to anger involve becoming really curious about how anger feels in your body. Getting good at noticing those early signs, knowing what 5/10 feels like for you - perhaps it is a tension in your jaw, a slight churning feeling in the stomach? Noticing what your mind does when you are feeling angry - does it rage at the injustice or tell you that it isn't important, don't make a fuss?  Mindfulness involves getting good at holding those thoughts lightly and becoming better able to have those feelings without acting them out.


And then choosing what to do next based on values. Who do I want to be in the world? What do I want my life to stand for? How would I express that in my actions in this moment now?

Overcoming Self-Defeating Patterns of Behaviour

Most of us have some familiar self-defeating patterns of behaviour. It could be:

• Eating junk food when stressed or sad
• Trying to control other people 
• Dating people who don't treat us well
• Working too hard
• Spending too much time sitting watching bad TV
• ......the list goes on....

Most of us have also spent a lot of time figuring out 'What makes me act in this way?' and sometimes that is helpful. But I want to suggest an alternative strategy based on solution-focussed techniques:

1. Work out what behaviour you would like to do instead. For example: 'When I am stressed, I would like to nurture myself with delicious, healthy food'

2. Decide how that behaviour links to your values. (What you want your life to be about, Who you want to be in the world): I want to look after my body so that I give myself the best chance of living to a healthy old age where I can be a loving Mum, good friend, caring partner and continue to do the things I enjoy.

3. Ask yourself: Have there been any times when I have chosen the preferred behaviour? Have there been times when I have been stressed and I have eaten healthy food? What were the circumstances? What was different about those times? I didn't have to cook alone - I was either with someone who I enjoy preparing a meal with or I bought something easy and healthy that I could just heat up.

4. Could you make that happen more often when you are stressed? Probably.

5. Make a plan. 

When I cook a healthy meal, I will do a little extra and put it in the freezer so I can heat it up when I am tired and stressed

If I know I have got a stressful week coming up, I will schedule time to cook and eat with my loved ones. 

6. Start with one small step

7. Expect setbacks and lapses and respond to them with compassion