How to Break Out of Limiting Self Beliefs

'It's part of the human condition that we create stories about ourselves and the world around us. Our stories are often filled with limitations, and we proceed to live our lives inside those limitations.'  Kelly Wilson & Troy Dufrene

If we can learn to hold all of our stories lightly - good and bad, true and false - then we can start to be able to take important actions even in the presence of thoughts that are telling us: 'You aren't smart enough. You aren't pretty enough. You don't know enough'.


The important thing here is not to take action in a rigid, bare knuckles kind of way but instead take action from a place of self compassion.  Holding that part of ourselves that is feeling scared and vulnerable with kindness whilst still doing what is important.

Making It Fun!

There is a growing public health movement to encourage people to do the right thing by making it fun.
Here is an example of how people will climb the stairs rather than take the escalator - if it is fun:



There are more examples here.

We don't have to use high tech equipment to make this work in our own lives. For example: I have stuck at Pilates longer than any other exercise class (more than 5 years!) Why?  I wish I could say it was because it is so good for me. Even though this is true, I know the real reason I keep going is because I go to a class at my neighbour's house and get to chat and laugh with my neighbours whilst I exercise.

What Would The Very First Step Look Like?

Many of my fellow Queenslanders are dealing with the aftermath of the recent terrible flooding.  I am intensely proud of the courage, grace and generosity of the people in my adopted state.  And I have some 'survivor guilt' about my own clean, dry house.

Friends have told me about returning to homes thick with sticky, smelly mud - everything ruined.

So what did they do when overwhelmed by the enormity of the task in front of them?  They started with the first step.

Solution focussed therapy uses this approach - when trying to do something hard, break it down into tiny, tiny steps and then just focus on doing the very first step.

Using the 'Dependency Paradox' to Make Yourself More Attractive

I'm starting with three assumptions here:

1. Being needy is usually unattractive to emotionally healthy people
2. We all get needy at times
3. We tend to get especially needy when we are anxious that our needs aren't going to get met.

In Scientific American Mind, Amir Levine and Rachel Heller explore the ‘dependency paradox’. They found that the more people can depend on their partner, the more ‘independent and creative’ they become. This is a bit like how little children with reliable parents tend to feel secure and are more confident about venturing into the world. They know that Mum or Dad will still be there when they return, so they can happily explore.

Levine and Heller’s finding is important – it resonates with my third point. In a cruel twist of fate, when we most want to find someone who will love us; when we feel desperate and dateless; it is then that we are at our least attractive. Potential partners can sense our neediness (even if we try to hide it) and run a mile.


We know that neediness isn’t attractive (except to rescuers, and that never ends well). And we also know that being dateless seems to make us more needy.  Aaargh!

So what is to be done? Common advice here is to become comfortable with being alone. But I think that Levine and Heller's research suggests that it might be wiser to acknowledge that our needs aren't being met and make practical plans to deal with this.

Regular readers will be unsurprised to discover that I think that Mindfulness might be helpful here. When needy feelings arise, notice them with compassion. Don’t try to squish them away or tell yourself you are wrong to feel that way. We all feel needy at times. This is a time to be very, very kind to yourself. Then decide – Shall I ask for some support from a loved one (again with an attitude of openness – they are allowed to say ‘No’) or shall I soothe myself? If you aren't good at soothing yourself, then I recommend this book.

I have been critical of therapy in this blog. However, I think that for some people, a long term supportive relationship with a reliable and compassionate therapist can be incredibly helpful. The trick here is to discern helpful from unhelpful therapy. Consider the question: ‘Does my relationship with this therapist make me feel less or more needy?’ Levine and Heller report that:

‘Most men and women are as needy as their unmet needs. When their emotional needs are met, they usually turn their attention outwards’.

 Sometimes good therapy can enable people who are prone to neediness to feel a little more secure. This lessening of their needy behaviour then allows others in their life to feel safe to be more supportive and creates a virtuous cycle.

Creatively getting unmet needs met.  If there are unmet needs (perhaps for emotional closeness, affection, belonging, praise) in your life that seem to be driving your feelings of neediness, see if you can come up with a creative solution. There is a reason that elderly ladies who live alone have cats! Regular massage lowers stress and improves well being. The research on religion suggests that people who practice their religion by going to Church/the synagogue/the mosque, being part of the community and performing acts of service have improved well being.  

The bottom line is, don't just sit there feeling lonely and needy - being alone will probably make you feel worse. Instead, be very, very kind to yourself and know that finding a constructive way to meet those dependency needs will likely make you less needy and more attractive.

The Problem with Therapy

I need to start this post with an admission - I am one of the most 'therapised' people I know. Individual, couples, family, Jungian, CBT, New Age - the list of therapists and modalities goes on.

But I now believe that there is a problem with therapy as it is practised by most therapists.  Most therapy is based on a story that goes something like - talk to me about your problems and I will diagnose what is wrong with you and fix it. You will then be well and happy.  This is a comforting story for both therapist and client.  In my opinion though it contains some important traps. Firstly, it is disempowering.  If I buy this approach I have to believe that (a) I am broken, and, (b) I need an expert to fix my brokenness. Secondly, it holds a false promise - that healthy people don't have minds that tell them they aren't good enough or feelings of fear, vulnerability or anger that push them to run, fight or eat another doughnut (anything to smush away the pain). And quite frankly this promise isn't true.


The approaches that have affected me most profoundly in my life, work from a different world view:

    Solution focussed therapy - let's explore what is going right and see if we can amplify it.

Positive Psychology - let's see what happens when you do the things that people who are thriving are doing.






Acceptance and Commitment Training - let's focus on helping you act on the values you hold deep in your heart and accept that sometimes moving towards those values will provoke scary chatter from your mind and even painful emotions.









These approaches have a lot of evidence to support them and are the basis for much of the advice in this blog.  
If you want to try them, here are some starting points:
Solution Focussed Approaches: What Went Right
Positive Psychology: The Well Being Equivalent to Eating 5 Fruit and Vegetables
Acceptance and Commitment Training: When I am 80

What Went Right

As you review last year and plan for this one. Take a moment to think about what went right.
Which relationships went well? What did you do to help that happen?
Which moments were most beautiful? What did you do to help create those moments?
Which achievements are you most proud of? What did you do to reach those goals?

Thanks to @wheretheclientis for reminding me of this question.