Using Mindfulness to Improve Relationships

Do you think you know the back of your hand? What do you think it would be like to spend 5 minutes mindfully looking at the back of your hand?

Russ Harris ran this exercise at his recent 'Happiness Trap' workshop. He has a free MP3 of it here if you want to give it a go.

As I did this activity, I discovered that I didn't know the back of my hand at all.  I probably haven't really looked at my hand properly since I was a toddler. It has changed somewhat since then! And some of the miracles that fascinated me when I was tiny are still there - look at your knuckles, they are amazing!

How does this relate to relationships?

Over time, we become accustomed to the important people in our lives. We assume we know who they are. It is easy to stop really hearing or seeing them. What this activity taught me was to really work to be present and curious with the people I love. And every time I forget, I notice the back of my hand and remind myself that if I love this person then they deserve my mindful attention.

Working out if you need to date more people in order to find Mr or Ms Right

I recently asked my sister, Rebecca, for some dating advice. Here is her response to one of the questions I asked her.


Am I having trouble finding Mr or Ms Right because I haven't dated enough people?


Rebecca:
Quote:  ‘If you were to give me forty such men I never could be so happy as you. Till I have your disposition, your goodness. I never can have your happiness. No, no, let me shift for myself; and, perhaps, if I have very good luck, I may meet with another Mr.Collins in time.’ (Elizabeth Bennett in Pride and Prejudice)

Well, I think it's more helpful to ask: 'Have I dated enough of the right type of person for me?'  Because personally I turned down at least 50% of the guys who asked me out.  You could date a hundred thousand narcissists and be nowhere near happiness.  In fact you'd probably be somewhere near suicidal...  But if you date forty good kind men who have similar interests and values to you, then amongst them you will find a match for your soul, whereas if you'd only dated three of them, you might not.

So how come so many nice guys asked me out?  Firstly and I think most importantly - I like nice men.  This gives me a dating edge as lots of women don't choose them or they choose them but in an 'okay I'll settle for you, you seem like a good bet' kind of way or a 'well, the type of men I find really attractive have kicked me to hell and back, so I shall cling to you like a life raft' kind of way.  Neither is exactly flattering or respectful.  Whereas I actually like them and find them genuinely attractive - they are my preferred choice - this meant that I was always a rare creature in an under-supplied area.  I am moved to ecstasy by the sight of a man doing the washing up.  The first thing my husband ever said to me was 'Can I make you a cup of tea?' and I fairly swooned with desire.  Secondly - I had rejected other less worthy men who asked me out, so I was single and available to be offered tea.  Thirdly - I make the best of myself.  Being beautiful isn't worth much in dating - look at all the beautiful celebrities and how short-lived and unhappy their marriages are and how they struggle to find love.  Think of the truly great beauties - Marilyn Monroe, Elizabeth Taylor and all the people in celebrity magazines today...  Are they well-known for their happy stable relationships?  No, the perfect body or face is no help at all.  It's not what you're born with, it's how you work it.  Dressing well and wearing make up etc shows self-respect.  It is not the same as dressing in a sexually available way that sends out the signal 'open to all comers'.  And it's not the same as natural beauty which can be a curse as much as a blessing.  Being well-dressed and taking a bit of care is attractive.  Then if you also listen attentively to what your date has to say whilst finding them attractive for who they really are, rather than who they might be with a few 'improvements' - that seems to be a potent mix!  So on this one I'd say 'Make sure you're dating the right sort of person for you - same values, similar interests, fundamentally kind.  Then, and only then, date as many as it takes to find the right one and gently but promptly let go of the wrong ones.'

Is there something wrong with my dating choices?

After a series of disappointing relationships, people often ask themselves 'Is there is something wrong with my choices?'. I asked my lovely sister, Rebecca, for her thoughts on this. Here is her response:

Rebecca:

Quote 'When you're in a hole, stop digging'

Ladies and Gentlemen... It's this one.  Look no further, because this is the one.  99% of singles I know, when they tell me their tales of woe, this is what was wrong - they chose the wrong person and then flogged that dead horse shouting: 'Run, you bugger, run!' when everyone around them could see that it was pointless.  Not ending the relationship quickly enough when it's not right.  Clinging on to someone with an idea of what he 'could be'.  A romantic partner is not a renovation project, and it is disrespectful to not love them as they actually are - loving an image of who they might be one day is not the same thing as loving them, and they deserve to be with someone who really loves them.  Until you get out of the way, they won't have that opportunity. 

As for choosing the same type of wrong person over and over again - it's like an addiction.  First - recognise the addiction, the 'type' who is toxic for you, write down every behaviour they do, specific things they say, excuses they make, and your usual response.  Then, the next time you are asked out/meet someone, take it much, much slower and look for the clues.  Don't make excuses.  Excuses sound like this: 'Well, he did drink quite a lot on that third date, but he was fine on the first and second, so it's probably not my old pattern, and he didn't actually vomit on me or anything...' or 'Okay, he commented on my eating dessert and said that he generally likes slimmer women than me, and that I'd be pretty if I just lost a bit of weight, but then later on he said a few really nice things, so I shouldn't overreact.' or 'He talked about his ex-wife for over two hours, but he said that he's over her, and he seemed sincere when he said it'.    

If they do something that's on your list, then you have to walk away like an alcoholic putting down a beer glass.  And like an alcoholic, you'll be thinking 'Oh, I'm making a big deal of nothing, I shouldn't be walking away, this isn't really addiction, I'm over-dramatising'.  And like an alcoholic, the addictive desire will be at its height at this moment, so check in with some support, tell yourself 'I'll just wait 24 hours before acting on anything.' And then wait another 24 hours after that.  If the pattern is really destructive (alcoholics, abuse, narcissists etc.) then I'd recommend taking a whole year out from dating and consider going to SLAA - learn to live without the addiction for a year before trying to find someone who isn't an addiction.  I have to say, from my own experience, this has the advantage of making you desperately attractive.  I once took 18 months off dating for my own reasons. During my 18 months off, I told young men who asked me out 'Actually I'm taking a break from dating.  I'm planning to think about dating again in [date]' and they had marked the date in their diary.  I woke up to find a queue outside my front door.  Sadly I turned them all down. 

Answering the three questions we ask when dating is going badly

I am about  to run a workshop on 'Dating in Mid-life' at The Relaxation Centre of QLD. Hence the recent flurry of relationship/dating related posts.

When dating isn't going well, people (including me!) tend to ask themselves:

1. Is there something wrong with me?

2. Is there is something wrong with my choices?

3. Have I dated enough people?

My younger sister, Rebecca, is unusual in two respects:

1. She has dated a lot of genuinely lovely men

2. She is now very happily married

So I asked for her response to these questions. Here is her answer to the first question: 'Is there is something wrong with me?' (She will address the other two questions in the next two posts).

Rebecca: 
I would challenge this question with: 'But am I truly happy with myself?'.  So for instance 'Are men/women being put off by my constant criticism of them?'  If the answer is 'yes' then: 'Do I want to be a constantly critical person, is it making me happy?'  Or for instance 'Am I sabotaging the relationship by 'testing' men/women too much?".  If 'yes' then: 'Is my distrust of men/women making me happy?'.  

Probably not in both cases.  

So make decisions to change from the basis of your own happiness, without any attachment to the idea that it will help with dating.  Taking another contrasting idea 'Women are put off because I'm overweight', but then 'This is my natural weight and dieting makes me miserable'  If it is, then changing it in order to be attractive to women will lead to resentment, and inevitable disappointment.  Or 'Men are put off because I earn more than them and I am clever.'  and then 'But I like my job and do I really have to play dumb?'  In both cases, changing the 'something "wrong" with me' is actually moving away from happiness.  That's the crucial test.  

Being happy helps with dating, but it should be an end in itself, and changing something in yourself with an external instead of an internal motivation never really works.  A commitment to personal growth and honest self examination is part of good mental hygiene, and should be done as reguarly as brushing your teeth, if only to ensure that you are living deliberately.  Dating may be one of the many prompts towards personal growth, but 'it's all just learning' as a dear friend always used to tell me!  

Living On Purpose

'You can approach your life as if your purpose is just to get by until the clock runs out, or you can work to make something of every moment you have.  There are really only two ways to go here. Both are choices. Only you can make the choice to live your life on purpose. Will you?'

How to Become More Secure

Attachment research is currently a hot topic in psychology. Apparently we can be divided into three attachment styles:

Secure – Warm; comfortable with closeness and intimacy; find it easy to express loving feelings. Tend to have positive feelings about themselves and their partners. 
Anxious - Worry about whether their partner loves them enough and whether they might be abandoned. Tend to be preoccupied with the relationship. Tend to be highly vigilant for signs of lack of approval from their partner and can become overly dependent. They can respond impulsively to their feelings of anxiety.
Avoidant – Feels uncomfortable being close, fears losing their independence. If they get rejected they will tend to distance themselves. They can either be dismissive, and see themselves as not needing close relationships, or fearful and have feelings of ambivalence; both wanting and avoiding closeness at the same time.

Our attachment style is learnt in our early interactions with our parents. Secure parents tend to raise secure children, unpredictable parents tend to raise anxious or avoidant children. However, later experiences can influence our attachment style – lots of rejection or disappointment in relationships can tend to make us more anxious and avoidant; which in turn can make rejection and disappointment more likely. A long term secure relationship can lift our levels of security.

You can take a test here to find what your attachment style is.

Understanding your style and the style of your partner (or prospective partner) can be incredibly useful. If I know I have a tendency to be anxious or avoidant, it might be wise to spend some time considering who I want to be as a partner and then create a 'relationship values statement' for myself (an example of mine is at the end of this earlier post). I can then use Russ Harris’ three questions to help me choose how I will respond when impulses to cling or reject arise. The questions are:

Am I:

1. Moving towards my values or away from my values?

2. Allowing private experience (thoughts, impulses, memories) or avoiding private experience? When we reject or hyper-vigilantly seek reassurance, it is often because we don't want to sit with some painful thoughts or feelings.
3. Connected with the here and now or disconnected from the here and now? Sometimes our impulse to move away is sensible (we are being treated badly) and sometimes it doesn't relate to what is happening in the real world but is more a response to a story our mind has created ('People always leave me in the end', 'When she gets to know me, she will know I am not good enough'). It is invaluable to become skilful at noticing the difference between observable facts and our mind's interpretation of events.

Research on behaviour change suggests that doing some 'If..then' planning can also be useful when we want to adopt a new approach.  What this means is that we take some time to think of situations that are likely to trigger the unwanted behaviour and plan an alternative approach.  For example: My partner calls and says he is feeling tired and cancels our date, I feel rejected and become anxious. My impulse might be to become needy 'If you cared about me, you would want to come over' or avoidant 'That is fine, I am busy anyway'.  If...then planning involves developing a plan for these situations. So I might plan to respond instead with 'Oh, I was looking forward to spending some time with you. Do you want to spend the evening alone or would you like me to come over to your place?'.

The Happy Couple's Secret Weapon - According to John Gottman

In his extensive research, John Gottman has found that there are a number of key differences between happy and unhappy couples.

One of these differences relates to the presence of 'repair attempts' during arguments. When happy couples argue, if the conflict starts to escalate, one of them will break the tension. They might make a joke, apologise; express empathy or even suggest taking a break from the discussion. In happy couples the other partner responds positively to a repair attempt - treating it as a genuine effort to make things better.

The key here is that this is a two step process:

1. one of the pair makes a peace offering 
2. the other person notices it and responds positively.