Effective Parents Encourage Autonomy

If you want your teenager to

• Make good choices because they want to (rather than to please others)
• Handle their emotions effectively
• Pursue their interests with passion 
• Like and respect you, rather than resent you

Then you need to support your children in developing autonomy.

Practically what that means, is that you:

• Are interested in hearing their perspective even when it is different to your own (and don't act like their perspective is somehow less valid because they are a teenager)
• Give reasons for your opinions and advice
• Let them make their own decisions - but coach them to help them to consider all of the different options and think through the likely consequences of those different options
• Give them support when they need it - autonomy is different to independence.  They can get overwhelmed and feel a bit abandoned if you push them to become too independent too fast
• Live the values that you think are important.  For example, If you want them to value getting a good education then seeing you putting effort into learning new skills has more of an impact than all of the lectures you give them about how they must do well at school