On-line Dating - some research and also some thoughts on handling the unpleasant emotions it can trigger

PsyBlog has a great article on on-line dating.
The highlights are:

'Internet daters are more likely to be sociable, have high self-esteem and be low in dating anxiety'

'Nine out of ten had lied on at least one of the attributes measured, but the lies were only small ones - e.g. shaving 5% off their weight'

The type of photo you use may impact on the level of interaction.  'Photos associated with the longest online conversations were where it showed the dater:

• Doing something interesting
• With an animal
• In an interesting location (travel photo)'

The photo type associated with the least interactions were of the person drinking.

Using positive emotional words 'like 'excited' and 'wonderful', made a better impression on both men and women.'


On-line dating is 'unsatisfying and aversive' for many - reading lots of profiles can feel more like you are screening resumes. However 'this will change as online dating services move towards more experiential methods'.


I had a lot of really positive experiences during my foray into on-line dating, I met some nice people and learnt a lot about myself.  And an on-line dating site, RSVP, enabled me to meet lovely Albert (my current partner). However, it was also emotionally really tough. Lots of rejection and disappointment; moments of cynicism after I felt someone had treated me badly; and a few days of addictive 'RSVP checking' that led me to decide to take a break for a while.


I think what was helpful was:

• Being clear about what values I was living - for me it was about genuinely wanting to be in a loving, committed relationship (note - it wasn't just about 'being in a relationship' - when defining values, the quality of the behaviour is very important).
• Being willing to experience emotional pain in the service of that value and working to keep myself present when painful emotions (fear of rejection, vulnerability, anger, disappointment) arose.
• Not losing sight of other important values - demonstrating love and compassion for myself and others; being a good friend; being a present, loving mother; doing work that makes a positive difference in the world.
• Knowing that the crazy stuff my mind was doing (e.g. noticing who had looked at my profile and then analysing why they didn't send me a kiss!) is just what the problem solving mind does.  Observing that with compassion.
• Viewing it as an experiment - a great opportunity to learn about myself and others.