Is it a Good Idea to Act Authentically?

Well, it depends how you define authenticity.

Authenticity can be problematic when we define it as freely expressing our thoughts and feelings. I have made this mistake many times in the past. I believed that it was wrong to hide my true feelings, that it was important for me to be 'honest' with others. The problems with this approach were:

• It involved treating my thoughts and feelings as if they were true. I have since come to realise that sometimes they don't reflect the reality of a situation!
• It meant that my thoughts and feelings had control of my behaviour.
• It meant other people had to deal with my 'stuff' - sometimes that was helpful, at others, frankly, it wasn't.

A better definition of authenticity is when:

• Behaviour, goals and values are aligned.
• Values are freely chosen rather than imposed by others. They feel like an expression of my best self. The person I really want to be. Working out authentic values can take some time. We have to cut through what we have been taught is good and proper and get to the heart of what is important to us. There are some tips on how to do this here.
• I am honest with myself about my thoughts and feelings and then choose what to communicate with others. Hiding from my own thoughts and feelings leads to behaviour that feels inauthentic.

This way of behaving is associated with a number of positive outcomes:

1. I feel like my behaviour is an expression of my true self - which feels important.
2. Mindfully noticing my thoughts and feelings and then choosing which ones to act upon provides opportunity for growth.
3. Aligning behaviour and goals with values increases motivation
4. Others are more likely to trust me if my behaviour is predictable. Choosing behaviour based on a consistent set of values leads to more consistency than being pushed around by whatever thoughts and feelings show up at any particular moment.

So, yes it is a good idea to act authentically - as long as that means acting in accordance with deeply held values.

For further reading on the research relating to authenticity:

Chapter 11, Character Strengths and Virtues by Christopher Peterson and Martin Seligman

Count Your Acts of Kindness

For the next week, keep a record of the number of times you are kind to others. Otake et al (2006) found that doing this simple activity, for one week, lifted people's levels of happiness for at least a month.
They also found that people who naturally combined this activity with: doing more acts of kindness towards others and feeling more gratitude for kind acts from others towards themselves; experienced even larger increases in happiness:

Teenage Boys and Emotion

When my son was a teenager, this book was a great source of comfort and wisdom to me. In fairness to Patrick, I do have to acknowledge that he was an easy and delightful teenager who has grown into a lovely man - but this didn't seem to stop me from panicking!

Celia Lashlie spent time listening to teenage boys and discovered some useful information. Here is a quote:

'In time I came to understand that the idea of not needing to talk about some difficult or stressful situation wasn't part of a male conspiracy to keep information away from women - at least not always. Sometimes it is true that males - both adolescent boys and adult men - don't want or need to talk. They just want time to let the conflicting emotions settle until they can make some sense of them and get a grip on what they are feeling. Unlike me, they don't work out what they are feeling by talking about it - they work it out  - and then sometimes - talk about it.'

Maths Problems v Sunsets

I was recently at an ACT workshop run by the amazing Kelly Wilson. He explored some interesting idea's about how our minds work. How we have this endless drive to solve problems - and sometimes this isn't helpful.

One of the wonderful things about ACT is that it is 'open source' - people are pleased if you use their stuff. So a few days later, I tried out Kelly's approach:

I Am Writing This Post Standing Up

I have been reading about the health benefits of working whilst standing. There is a link between the amount of time spent sitting and mortality - yikes! So I have constructed this ramshackle standing desk and I am giving it a go.

I quite like it so far.

I Wish I Had Looked After My Teeth

My father is in his 70's. He has been having some problems with his heart recently and after some weeks discovered that an infection in a tooth was making things worse. There is increasing research linking gum disease with heart disease and stroke.

He said to me:'I wish I had taken better care of my teeth. It would have saved me a lot of pain and discomfort. And what is really frustrating is I knew this when I was young and I still didn't do it. In my 20's I had a friend with perfect teeth. He told me that the secret to healthy teeth was:
1. No lollies
2. Clean your teeth after every meal (not just twice a day)
3. Floss every day'


This is good advice. Better go and clean my teeth....

And here is Pam Ayres: " I Wish I Had Looked After My Teeth"

There is No Reliable Way of Spotting a Bad Partner Without Being Hurt a Little

'There is no reliable way of picking a bad partner before you have been burnt a bit. The key concept is being burnt only a bit, not avoiding getting burnt at all. If you pull out of a relationship the moment you see any possibility of being hurt, you will never have anything that lasts very long. Grown up people know the perfect partner doesn't exist. You need to give someone a reasonable try, as well as a few warnings and options to change. You must give him room to express his own individuality, but if he doesn't seem capable of working out where reasonable limits lie himself, you probably won't be able to teach him'
Julian Short in 'An Intelligent Life"