Why is Taking a Break So Difficult

I took a ‘sicky’ the other day (is that just an Australian word? In case it is - it means an 'unplanned absence’). I wasn’t sick. I was just tired. Normally I am full of energy and enthusiasm for my life. I feel that each moment drips with meaning and purpose. From writing the speech I am giving next week on goal setting to attending my daughter’s commencement ceremony at school, it all matters so much. And this is wonderful, but now and again I get very, very tired.

A pot of green tea on my deck

So i made myself a pot of green tea, downloaded a Georgian Historical Romance onto my ipad and spent a few hours on the day bed on my deck, snoozing and reading.

Now I feel better.

You would think that taking a few hours off would be an easy thing to do... but not for me. My mind alternates between reminding me of all I have to do and busily problem solving (‘I need an activity to illustrate that point about goal setting, what would work? I must remember to ring the plumber. That balustrade needs painting...’). Of course, if I had decided to carry on working, my mind would have gone on and on about how tired I was (‘I am sooo tired. I need to rest. I can’t concentrate. I wonder if I am getting sick?’).

A few years ago, Russ Harris taught me, ‘Your mind is not your friend'. I find it is helpful to know this. Whatever I do, part of my mind will chatter away in an unhelpful fashion. This is part of being human. The trick is to do what is right in that moment - whether it is to rest or work or play - and take my chattery mind along with me.

This is a cross post from my Working with ACT blog - hope you don't mind

Persistence and Success

Ellie passed her written driving licence test today. We were very pleased and celebrated with fish and chips at a park by the bay. Lovely!


She has had a few unsuccessful stabs at the test. She knows the answers but freaks out and can't remember them. But she wants to be able to drive a car so we just kept going back until she passed.


As her Mum I am very heartened to see her displaying such persistence because it predicts future success.


Stephen Kaplan reports his finding that:

'CEOs who are persistent, efficient and proactive get things done'

However we need to know what to persist at, this poor fellow on Dragon's Den is persisting in investing time and money in a product that no-one wants:




So how do we know whether to persist or not? 
Seth Godin has some suggestions in The Dip and I have some from negotiation theory

• Work out the cost benefit ratio  - and do some research to make sure that these two are accurate. Your best guess is unlikely to be right.
• Decide some markers in advance that tell you it is time to quit - 'If in 6 months time I am still not turning a profit, I will quit' or 'If in 3 months time we are still fighting every week, then I will leave'. Write it down and then stick to it. Again, research this, so the marker is reasonable rather than a figure you made up.
• Consider that it might not be the goal that is wrong but your approach to achieving the goal - get some good advice and see if you can improve your chances.
• Work out what your best alternative is if you quit and see if you can improve it
• And remember:

“The Opposite of Quitting Isn’t ‘Waiting Around’…the opposite of quitting is rededication. The opposite of quitting is an invigorated new strategy designed to break the problem apart.” Seth Godin

We Need Reminding to Do The Right Thing

Doing a spot of weeding

Today I did some gardening. I love gardening. It is good for me and it makes me happy. But I don't do it very often.

What made me do it today? (FYI That is a solution focussed question - much better than -'Why don't I do it more often?')

Well, at the weekend I had a conversation with Albert about my hopes and dreams for my life. I realised that I am doing quite well in most areas of my life but one of my dreams is to create a lovely garden and I am not doing well on that one. So today I did some gardening.

And what else seems to help me get out into the garden? (another solution focussed question!)

A few weeks ago I found out that the most long lived people in the Terman study (a long term study of clever people!) didn't do 'exercise' they were just active doing what they loved. This suggested to me that I needed to garden more often.  So I got out there on that day.

What I think this means is that Alain de Botton is right. We need repeated reminders to help us do the right thing. He suggests we need to structure our lives to include those reminders. I am not sure how to do that yet - I will let you know!

How to Tell If Your Therapist is Any Good

 Susan Lwellyn has found that therapists are often out of sync with their clients around what they are doing in therapy that is useful. Clients find it most useful when they feel reassured and develop some strategies to solve their problems. Whereas therapists think they are being most useful when the client develops some insight into the cognitive and emotional causes of their problem. 

As a former therapist I know just how satisfying it feels to guide a client to an insight. I used to think "Now they understand how their current behaviour relates to their childhood experiences of emotional neglect, so they will now find it easy to change!" But, you know what, those long conversations didn't actually lead to a whole lot of change. I think they were based on a misunderstanding of what needs to happen in therapy.

William Miller (founder of an approach called Motivational Interviewing) discovered that some therapists do a much better job at helping their clients to change than others. Miller studied the differences between effective and ineffective therapists and found that the highly effective therapists:

• Were good at empathic listening and were genuinely interested in understanding the client’s perspective
• Coached the client to explore the pros and cons of change and helped them to make their own decision about whether they wanted to change
• When the client resisted the idea of change, the effective therapists ‘rolled with that resistance’ rather than arguing with the client.
• Had a respectful stance
• Honoring the client’s autonomy – the client gets to choose whether they change or not, and as adults, they take responsibility for the consequences of their choice.
• Viewing the client as the expert in their life. They didn’t talk down to the client but took a collaborative approach where they worked together to figure out what to do next.

So, here is my advice, if you want good therapy: 

• Look for a therapist who treats you and your perspective with respect
• Avoid therapists who argue with you; make you wrong or talk down to you
• Avoid therapists who want to spend hours working out how your parents/childhood messed you up
• Ask for the research evidence that supports the approach they are taking. 

How to be More Charismatic

Research suggests that charisma is determined by:

1. How expressive you are verbally and non-verbally
2. Whether people feel heard when they speak to you

When you are talking, what is the experience like for the listener? Are you open, animated, demonstrative and dynamic? Is there a degree of intensity and passion in your communication?  These characteristics capture people's attention and help them to connect with their own passion. Even something as simple as saying 'hello' to a friend can be 'charismatic' and demonstrate clearly how pleased you are to see them or be muted. That 'hello' may then set the tone for the interaction and, if it is the first time you have met, the rest of the relationship.

However, all that expressiveness wears pretty thin if people get the message that, in the end it is all about you. That you want all the limelight. Truly charismatic people also know when and how to give their attention to others. They listen intently. Their non-verbals show that they care about hearing your opinion and are moved by what you say.

So, if you aren't naturally expressive, would it be fake to adopt these characteristics?

I think, it depends on the reason you want to become more memorable and engaging. Does it align with some deeply held values? Perhaps you want to connect more deeply with the people you meet? Perhaps you want people to have a better experience when they interact with you?

When a change in behaviour is about becoming more like the person you want to be, then it might feel fake at first but over time it feels more and more like an expression of the 'real you'.

Would You Kill Hitler? Some Thoughts on Kids and TV

’If you could go back in time, would you kill Hitler?’ A few months ago my 16 year old daughter and I were having dinner with some friends and we started to discuss this question. My response was ‘Yes, I think that killing is wrong but think of the lives you could save’.

My daughter, Ellie, however, came up with a much more thoughtful answer, she said, ‘No, because Hitler has had such a huge impact on the world. Killing Hitler would change history and we don’t know in which direction. Someone else may have taken over the Nazi party and the Nazi’s might have won the war. What Hitler did has served as a warning to us of what people are capable of. It taught us of the dangers of racism and prejudice. We don’t know how the world would be changed if Hitler had been killed.’

I was gobsmacked. Where did this complex reasoning come from? Had she covered this in school? No. She got this from watching Dr Who. Ellie said that she learnt from Dr Who that there are points in time which can’t be changed because changing them changes the whole course of history.

Todd Kashdan wrote a great post on differentiating the form of a behaviour, in this case, watching television, from the function.  Television can just be Valium for our kids – keeping them quiet whilst we have a break (and sometimes we do need a break!) - but it can also be thought provoking. It can help to build maturity, perspective taking and reasoning skills.

I think that our job as parents is to get involved – to sit and watch the shows that interest our children and then talk about what happened. But (and this point is important) we need to show genuine interest in their view.  It can’t be like those cringe worthy ‘teaching moments’ they have in sitcoms where Mum says, ‘And what have we learnt from that?’. Instead we need to be curious and treat their opinion as valid. If we do that, I think we can make the most of that incredible window on the world that sits in the corner of the lounge room.

9 Reasons Why People Get Rejected for Being Too Nice

Sometimes people tell me that they seem to be repeatedly rejected by potential partners because they are 'too nice'. 

This is confusing and leaves the recipient of this feedback wondering whether they need to become less nice if they are to attract a partner.

I think that it is actually rare that the problem is that the person is too nice.


Instead, if this happens to you, it might be helpful to consider the following questions:

• You might have a tendency to choose damaged people who are uncomfortable when they are treated well. If this happens recurrently then you might need to pause and get some help to develop a more workable approach to relationships.
• Perhaps you are creating an unpleasant feeling of obligation in the other person because you always do more for them than they do for you? This is called a reciprocation debt.
• Are you inadvertently communicating a sense that you are nice because you lack confidence in yourself? You don't think you are worthy of love unless you are being nice all the time.
• Are you avoiding expressing your needs and wants? This means that the other person has to do a lot of work guessing what you really want and never gets the opportunity to be generous to you. (for example: If you are assertive and tell me that you want to watch a different TV show to the one I want to watch, then I can say 'Let's watch your show' and feel good about my generosity - giving tends to make us happier than getting) .
• Do you avoid making decisions? It is tiring for your partner to always be the one making the decision. 
• Are you too passive? Do you ever make the first move? If you don't take this risk, is it because you want to avoid being rejected?
• Do you avoid expressing passion and tend to stay safe? (read this poem!)
• Do you use 'being nice' as a way of avoiding authenticity? Perhaps you aren't willing to be vulnerable?

I think that a lot of these behaviours are about trying to avoid the risk of rejection. Sadly, when our focus is on avoiding emotional pain rather than on genuine, authentic connection we actually often seem to make it more likely we will be rejected.

My suggestion here is to get some clarity about who you want to be in a relationship. Decide on your relationship values. Then work out how 'being nice' fits with those values. When we are being kind, generous and compassionate as an expression of who we truly want to be in the world it feels quite different to when we are 'being nice' to try to avoid rejection or risk.