Maths Problems v Sunsets

I was recently at an ACT workshop run by the amazing Kelly Wilson. He explored some interesting idea's about how our minds work. How we have this endless drive to solve problems - and sometimes this isn't helpful.

One of the wonderful things about ACT is that it is 'open source' - people are pleased if you use their stuff. So a few days later, I tried out Kelly's approach:

I Am Writing This Post Standing Up

I have been reading about the health benefits of working whilst standing. There is a link between the amount of time spent sitting and mortality - yikes! So I have constructed this ramshackle standing desk and I am giving it a go.

I quite like it so far.

I Wish I Had Looked After My Teeth

My father is in his 70's. He has been having some problems with his heart recently and after some weeks discovered that an infection in a tooth was making things worse. There is increasing research linking gum disease with heart disease and stroke.

He said to me:'I wish I had taken better care of my teeth. It would have saved me a lot of pain and discomfort. And what is really frustrating is I knew this when I was young and I still didn't do it. In my 20's I had a friend with perfect teeth. He told me that the secret to healthy teeth was:
1. No lollies
2. Clean your teeth after every meal (not just twice a day)
3. Floss every day'


This is good advice. Better go and clean my teeth....

And here is Pam Ayres: " I Wish I Had Looked After My Teeth"

There is No Reliable Way of Spotting a Bad Partner Without Being Hurt a Little

'There is no reliable way of picking a bad partner before you have been burnt a bit. The key concept is being burnt only a bit, not avoiding getting burnt at all. If you pull out of a relationship the moment you see any possibility of being hurt, you will never have anything that lasts very long. Grown up people know the perfect partner doesn't exist. You need to give someone a reasonable try, as well as a few warnings and options to change. You must give him room to express his own individuality, but if he doesn't seem capable of working out where reasonable limits lie himself, you probably won't be able to teach him'
Julian Short in 'An Intelligent Life"

Expect Trouble as an Inevitable Part of Life...

'Expect trouble as an inevitable part of life, and when it comes, hold your head high, look it squarely in the eye and say, 'I will be bigger than you. You cannot defeat me.' Then repeat to yourself the most comforting words of all, 'This too will pass'.'
Ann Landers

A List of Useful Dating Articles

These articles are either genuinely good or written by me (so you will have to be the judge of those ones!)

On handling heartbreak

On flirting:

Flirting and Body language - be quiet and non-threatening until they decide you are 'safe'

The five types of flirting - some are better than others

Evidence based flirting tips - including: when flirting with a man use a direct no-nonsense approach

Becoming more charismatic - or how Bill Clinton does it!

On online dating

More on on-line dating

Women find 'undecided' men more attractive

On choosing the right person:

Date more kind men with shared interests and good values

Don't persist in the hope that you can change them

Be extra careful about your choices when you are feeling lonely

Choose based on what they actually do, rather than what they say they do

How our conversation inadvertently signals whether we are looking for a one night stand or a relationship

Why decisive rather than attractive women end up with the best men

Is it time to settle?

Is there something wrong with me?

And other dating bits and pieces:

How relationships develop - from a male point of view

Dating over 40

If Positive Affirmations Only Help People with High Self-Esteem - What Is a Better Way of Dealing with Low Confidence?

Do you ever feel bad for having ‘negative’ thoughts? Do you repeat positive affirmations about yourself in an attempt to lift your confidence? At least 50% of us do this regularly and sometimes it does seem to help. However, recent research is suggesting we need to be careful about using this strategy. A group of Canadian researchers found that:

‘When people with low self-esteem repeated the statement, ‘‘I’m a lovable person’’ (Study 2), or focused on ways in which this statement was true of them (Study 3), neither their feelings about themselves nor their moods improved—they got worse. Positive self-statements seemed to provide a boost only to people with high self-esteem—those who ordinarily feel good about themselves already—and that boost was small.’

What seems to happen is that when we repeat a positive self-statement, we tend to assess whether we think it is true or not. If we have a positive view of ourselves, we are likely to accept the statement and perhaps feel slightly reassured. However, if the statement is very different to our view of ourselves then our minds tend to respond with ‘Yeh right! If I am so lovable then why did Jane dump me?’ We are reminded of our failings and hey presto we feel worse.

So, relying on positive self-statements to get us through challenges is a risky strategy.

Some better options when you are about to do something that involves the risk of failure, rejection or disapproval are:

• Put effort in to give yourself the best chance of getting it right. Prepare, practice, get the necessary skills. When it doesn’t go well, reflect on your performance and seek feedback so you can learn how to do better next time. Nothing builds confidence like repeated experiences of success.
• Adopt a mindful stance to all of your thoughts and emotions. Notice with curiosity, compassion and openness what your mind comes up with. For example, as your anxiety rises say ‘Ah, there is anxiety, I am not surprised anxiety showed up, this is important to me,
•  Instead of repeating ‘I am confident’, remind yourself of the values that are motivating you to take this action, for example: ‘I am giving this presentation because I want to help people do well in their work’. (Reaffirming values increases performance)
• Ground yourself. Notice this moment with your five senses. Connect with what you are doing. Bring your attention to the task at hand and the people with you. Your mind will repeatedly try to pull you away, each time you notice that this has happened, thank your mind (it is trying to help!) and reconnect with this moment.

For more on this topic I recommend The Confidence Gap by Russ Harris