Staying Healthy As We Age

Do you want to be as healthy as a 40 year old, when you are 70? Margie E. Lachman and Stefan Agrigoroaei from the Brandeis University, Waltham, Massachusetts looked at what factors seem to affect health in midlife and old age.


They found that 3 factors were highly protective of health (especially when combined):

• Control beliefs -  how much participants thought that they could influence what happens in their life including whether they believed that their actions could bring about good health. If we believe that our actions can impact on our health then we are more likely to make healthy choices. 

• Social support (How much do members of your family really care about you?)

• Regular exercise

The study controlled for three risk factors known to impact on health:

• Smoking

• Alcohol and Drug Abuse

• Waist Circumference 

Older adults who believed they could influence their health through their behaviour; who had good social support and took regular exercise had health that was similar to younger and middle-aged people. 


If you have all three factors in your 50's you are more likely to be healthy in your 60's.

My new Vibram's - oh the excitement!

So I am going to put on my running shoes and go for a jog with my daughter...how about you?

How To Stop Your Kids From Becoming Drug Abusing Delinquents

Research on how to rear happy, healthy kids is becoming pretty impressive - here are the top tips from the research:

1. Protect them from emotional, physical and sexual abuse
2. Protect them from cruel environments (teasing, criticism, harsh punishment)
3. Sort out conflict between parents in kindhearted and effective ways
4. If either parent becomes depressed, do something about it
5. Don't use coercion and harsh punishment to try to control their behaviour instead be warm and flexible
6. Feed them Omega 3 supplements
7. Teach and encourage kind and empathic behaviour by prompting it (Sarah, how do you think Kate is feeling? Do you think she needs a hug?'); noticing and praising it ('David, you were so kind to play Barbie with Katie. She looked so happy.') and modelling it yourself. 
8. Send them to a school that encourages kind and empathic behaviour.
9. Give them attention. Play with them, chat with them, be interested and caring.
10. Notice when they do the right thing. It can be so easy to react when kids do the wrong thing and ignore it when they get things right, consciously try to focus on what they get right whilst also dealing with any poor behaviour.
11. When they are learning new and difficult behaviours, such as sharing their toys or handling conflict well, break it down into small steps and set up some form of reward system (like a sticker chart) but don't overuse external rewards.
12. Where possible give them choices (and coach them to understand the likely consequences of those choices).
13. Make sure they are supervised after school - including in their teenage years.
14. Encourage them to be mindful.
15. Help them to choose their values and then encourage them to make decisions in line with their values.

If you have young children then I highly recommend the Triple P program which is summarised in this book. Not only does it have strong evidence to support it but also I used it with my kids and they would both say it was a good approach! What more proof do you need!

What Does a Great Birthday Present Look Like?

Positive psychology tells us a few important things about present giving:

1. Materialism makes us unhappy
2. Meaningful experiences give us longer lasting happiness  compared to buying stuff.
3. Giving makes us happier than receiving.

It was my birthday recently, so I decided to apply these findings to my own life. I spoke to my loved ones and we came up with some non-materialistic gifts.

My new down-pipe!

My partner donated some money to my two favourite charities - MSF and Oxfam. I feel very happy every time I think of it. He also fixed my leaking down-pipe. This also makes me happy not only when I walk past it but also whenever it rains!

My son, Patrick has designed a swanky new e-newsletter for my business. He is also giving me some running lessons. It is astounding that I am approaching 50 and I don't know how to run, isn't it?!

My daughter, Ellie is teaching me how to style my hair and is going to help with my packing for our upcoming trip to Europe (She is an expert in 'One Bag' packing).

I am thrilled with all of these presents. 

What would non-materialistic birthday presents look like for you? Would you enjoy them more than some new stuff?

Note for the unwary - I have discovered that people who are expecting perfume don't like an oxfam 'I bought you a goat' card. 

What Have You Done Today To Make You Feel Proud?

Marching for Equal Love

Today Ellie and I went to the Equal Love rally. We marched and shouted our support for the rights of LGBT people to have their love recognised through marriage.

A gorgeous drag queen, in red and black sequins, lipsynced to this song and the crowd loved it!

What have you done today to make you feel proud?

Now, this seems like a good question. But it is actually a bit problematic.

Because pride is a tricky emotion. We probably don't come programmed with instructions for when to feel pride. The people around us teach us when to feel it. This means that sometimes the things that make us feel proud can be kind of messed up. Some of us think that we have to do something extraordinary (like win gold in the Olympics or make a million dollars or look like Barbie) before we can feel proud and others think just showing up is enough.

And, for most of us, pride and shame are poured from the same cup.

For example, I felt proud to be taking action on an issue that is close to my heart and I also felt ashamed because:
1. This is only the second gay rights march I have ever been on. Why do I claim to care about it and then not join the protests?
2. I know that one of the best ways to combat homophobia is to be 'out'. So that people can see that LGBT people are their friends, colleagues, neighbours and relatives and not so strange and scary. But over and over I have chosen to hide my own sexuality (I am bisexual) because I don't want to risk prejudice (or more commonly, creepy invitations to threesomes - yuk).

So if we can't use pride as a marker for a life well lived; what question should we ask instead?  A question that is more likely to steer us in the right direction might be:

What have you done today that moved you towards your values?

Okay, I know it isn't quite as catchy! But it is better because we can consciously choose our values and then we get to choose what is worthy of pride. This seems better than continuing to act out the emotional scripts that we have unconsciously learnt. Of course sometimes, even when we are doing the right thing, pride refuses to show up. We can then choose to acknowledge that we have made a small step in the right direction and eventually, step by step we become more the person we want to be.

So, how did you live your values today?

Why Do You Have Your Hair Like That?

Every single action you take throughout your life can either be a move towards your values or a move to avoid painful thoughts or feelings.

The place that this choice (and all the other small choices we make) comes from, makes a big difference to the quality of our life. Choices that are mainly about expressing our heart's desire about who we want to be in the world and what we want our lives to stand for, will tend to lead us in the direction of vitality and emotional well being. Choices that are mainly about avoiding social disapproval will tend to lead us towards a narrow and constricted life.

From the outside it can be hard to tell which it is. Take these two very different women:

  Kim Kardashian and Martine Batchelor 

 

Just looking at photos of them, we have no way of knowing whether they are expressing their values through the choices they have made about their hair or whether they are just trying to avoid social disapproval from the very different communities that they inhabit.

So if I can't tell which I am doing just by looking at my behaviour, how do I choose?  Well, I can ask myself this question:

If everyone important to me approved of....(insert area of your life here - from your haircut to your choice of career) ...whatever I chose to do, what would I choose?

To explore this further, I recommend the personal values questionnaire.

Why Telling Children What to Do Is Often A Bad idea

Adults teach children how to behave. One of the things we teach kids is that they need to follow instructions: 'Go and wash your hands and come and sit down for dinner'; 'Say, 'Thank you' to Grannie'; 'Come and help me with the washing up'. We praise kids when they do as we ask and punish them in some way when they don't. Eventually they learn that it is a good idea to do what people in authority ask you to do.

Following instructions with good grace is an important skill. We all know kids (and adults) who haven't learnt that skill and they are painful to be around - everything feels like a battle.

However we want our children to be discerning about this. We don't want them to blindly follow instructions. We want them to question authority. We don't want them to be trapped into being a people pleaser. We don't want them to just go along with peer pressure. ( If you are in doubt about this then read Philip Zimbardo's works on the dangers of compliance.)

So we need to teach them another more important skill. This skill involves being in contact with what is going on in the present moment (How do I feel? What is really happening here?); being able to consider the longer term ramifications of their actions; draw on some values that feel personally meaningful and then making a decision how to act.

This skill is psychological flexibility and it is strongly associated with well being.

Which is why we often need to pause when we have the impulse to just tell our kids what to do and instead coach them to come to their own decision. So when Grannie gives them a present that they don't want, we might take a moment (whilst Grannie is in the garden) to talk through how they feel (disappointed), how Grannie might be feeling (worried that she has got it wrong?), what they want their relationship to be like with Granny and then help them decide the best approach to this. Which might be to give Granny a big hug and a thank you now and perhaps on another day have a conversation with Grannie about how they would love to go shopping for their next present with Grannie and choose it together.

Jumping Off a Piece Paper

Do you have something important that you need to do but even the thought of it makes you feel so uncomfortable that you just avoid it?

It might be risking rejection; doing something boring; risking looking stupid.....

In this great podcast, DJ Moran talks about slicing these challenges up really thinly. Finding the point where you have made it small enough that you will take action. He uses the metaphor of jumping off a piece of paper. Even though the jump is really, really tiny; you are still jumping and that is very different to not jumping at all.

And once you have gotten moving, you might tackle jumping off the phone book next!

Another cross post from Working With ACT

Why is Taking a Break So Difficult

I took a ‘sicky’ the other day (is that just an Australian word? In case it is - it means an 'unplanned absence’). I wasn’t sick. I was just tired. Normally I am full of energy and enthusiasm for my life. I feel that each moment drips with meaning and purpose. From writing the speech I am giving next week on goal setting to attending my daughter’s commencement ceremony at school, it all matters so much. And this is wonderful, but now and again I get very, very tired.

A pot of green tea on my deck

So i made myself a pot of green tea, downloaded a Georgian Historical Romance onto my ipad and spent a few hours on the day bed on my deck, snoozing and reading.

Now I feel better.

You would think that taking a few hours off would be an easy thing to do... but not for me. My mind alternates between reminding me of all I have to do and busily problem solving (‘I need an activity to illustrate that point about goal setting, what would work? I must remember to ring the plumber. That balustrade needs painting...’). Of course, if I had decided to carry on working, my mind would have gone on and on about how tired I was (‘I am sooo tired. I need to rest. I can’t concentrate. I wonder if I am getting sick?’).

A few years ago, Russ Harris taught me, ‘Your mind is not your friend'. I find it is helpful to know this. Whatever I do, part of my mind will chatter away in an unhelpful fashion. This is part of being human. The trick is to do what is right in that moment - whether it is to rest or work or play - and take my chattery mind along with me.

This is a cross post from my Working with ACT blog - hope you don't mind

Persistence and Success

Ellie passed her written driving licence test today. We were very pleased and celebrated with fish and chips at a park by the bay. Lovely!


She has had a few unsuccessful stabs at the test. She knows the answers but freaks out and can't remember them. But she wants to be able to drive a car so we just kept going back until she passed.


As her Mum I am very heartened to see her displaying such persistence because it predicts future success.


Stephen Kaplan reports his finding that:

'CEOs who are persistent, efficient and proactive get things done'

However we need to know what to persist at, this poor fellow on Dragon's Den is persisting in investing time and money in a product that no-one wants:




So how do we know whether to persist or not? 
Seth Godin has some suggestions in The Dip and I have some from negotiation theory

• Work out the cost benefit ratio  - and do some research to make sure that these two are accurate. Your best guess is unlikely to be right.
• Decide some markers in advance that tell you it is time to quit - 'If in 6 months time I am still not turning a profit, I will quit' or 'If in 3 months time we are still fighting every week, then I will leave'. Write it down and then stick to it. Again, research this, so the marker is reasonable rather than a figure you made up.
• Consider that it might not be the goal that is wrong but your approach to achieving the goal - get some good advice and see if you can improve your chances.
• Work out what your best alternative is if you quit and see if you can improve it
• And remember:

“The Opposite of Quitting Isn’t ‘Waiting Around’…the opposite of quitting is rededication. The opposite of quitting is an invigorated new strategy designed to break the problem apart.” Seth Godin

We Need Reminding to Do The Right Thing

Doing a spot of weeding

Today I did some gardening. I love gardening. It is good for me and it makes me happy. But I don't do it very often.

What made me do it today? (FYI That is a solution focussed question - much better than -'Why don't I do it more often?')

Well, at the weekend I had a conversation with Albert about my hopes and dreams for my life. I realised that I am doing quite well in most areas of my life but one of my dreams is to create a lovely garden and I am not doing well on that one. So today I did some gardening.

And what else seems to help me get out into the garden? (another solution focussed question!)

A few weeks ago I found out that the most long lived people in the Terman study (a long term study of clever people!) didn't do 'exercise' they were just active doing what they loved. This suggested to me that I needed to garden more often.  So I got out there on that day.

What I think this means is that Alain de Botton is right. We need repeated reminders to help us do the right thing. He suggests we need to structure our lives to include those reminders. I am not sure how to do that yet - I will let you know!

How to Tell If Your Therapist is Any Good

 Susan Lwellyn has found that therapists are often out of sync with their clients around what they are doing in therapy that is useful. Clients find it most useful when they feel reassured and develop some strategies to solve their problems. Whereas therapists think they are being most useful when the client develops some insight into the cognitive and emotional causes of their problem. 

As a former therapist I know just how satisfying it feels to guide a client to an insight. I used to think "Now they understand how their current behaviour relates to their childhood experiences of emotional neglect, so they will now find it easy to change!" But, you know what, those long conversations didn't actually lead to a whole lot of change. I think they were based on a misunderstanding of what needs to happen in therapy.

William Miller (founder of an approach called Motivational Interviewing) discovered that some therapists do a much better job at helping their clients to change than others. Miller studied the differences between effective and ineffective therapists and found that the highly effective therapists:

• Were good at empathic listening and were genuinely interested in understanding the client’s perspective
• Coached the client to explore the pros and cons of change and helped them to make their own decision about whether they wanted to change
• When the client resisted the idea of change, the effective therapists ‘rolled with that resistance’ rather than arguing with the client.
• Had a respectful stance
• Honoring the client’s autonomy – the client gets to choose whether they change or not, and as adults, they take responsibility for the consequences of their choice.
• Viewing the client as the expert in their life. They didn’t talk down to the client but took a collaborative approach where they worked together to figure out what to do next.

So, here is my advice, if you want good therapy: 

• Look for a therapist who treats you and your perspective with respect
• Avoid therapists who argue with you; make you wrong or talk down to you
• Avoid therapists who want to spend hours working out how your parents/childhood messed you up
• Ask for the research evidence that supports the approach they are taking. 

How to be More Charismatic

Research suggests that charisma is determined by:

1. How expressive you are verbally and non-verbally
2. Whether people feel heard when they speak to you

When you are talking, what is the experience like for the listener? Are you open, animated, demonstrative and dynamic? Is there a degree of intensity and passion in your communication?  These characteristics capture people's attention and help them to connect with their own passion. Even something as simple as saying 'hello' to a friend can be 'charismatic' and demonstrate clearly how pleased you are to see them or be muted. That 'hello' may then set the tone for the interaction and, if it is the first time you have met, the rest of the relationship.

However, all that expressiveness wears pretty thin if people get the message that, in the end it is all about you. That you want all the limelight. Truly charismatic people also know when and how to give their attention to others. They listen intently. Their non-verbals show that they care about hearing your opinion and are moved by what you say.

So, if you aren't naturally expressive, would it be fake to adopt these characteristics?

I think, it depends on the reason you want to become more memorable and engaging. Does it align with some deeply held values? Perhaps you want to connect more deeply with the people you meet? Perhaps you want people to have a better experience when they interact with you?

When a change in behaviour is about becoming more like the person you want to be, then it might feel fake at first but over time it feels more and more like an expression of the 'real you'.

Would You Kill Hitler? Some Thoughts on Kids and TV

’If you could go back in time, would you kill Hitler?’ A few months ago my 16 year old daughter and I were having dinner with some friends and we started to discuss this question. My response was ‘Yes, I think that killing is wrong but think of the lives you could save’.

My daughter, Ellie, however, came up with a much more thoughtful answer, she said, ‘No, because Hitler has had such a huge impact on the world. Killing Hitler would change history and we don’t know in which direction. Someone else may have taken over the Nazi party and the Nazi’s might have won the war. What Hitler did has served as a warning to us of what people are capable of. It taught us of the dangers of racism and prejudice. We don’t know how the world would be changed if Hitler had been killed.’

I was gobsmacked. Where did this complex reasoning come from? Had she covered this in school? No. She got this from watching Dr Who. Ellie said that she learnt from Dr Who that there are points in time which can’t be changed because changing them changes the whole course of history.

Todd Kashdan wrote a great post on differentiating the form of a behaviour, in this case, watching television, from the function.  Television can just be Valium for our kids – keeping them quiet whilst we have a break (and sometimes we do need a break!) - but it can also be thought provoking. It can help to build maturity, perspective taking and reasoning skills.

I think that our job as parents is to get involved – to sit and watch the shows that interest our children and then talk about what happened. But (and this point is important) we need to show genuine interest in their view.  It can’t be like those cringe worthy ‘teaching moments’ they have in sitcoms where Mum says, ‘And what have we learnt from that?’. Instead we need to be curious and treat their opinion as valid. If we do that, I think we can make the most of that incredible window on the world that sits in the corner of the lounge room.

9 Reasons Why People Get Rejected for Being Too Nice

Sometimes people tell me that they seem to be repeatedly rejected by potential partners because they are 'too nice'. 

This is confusing and leaves the recipient of this feedback wondering whether they need to become less nice if they are to attract a partner.

I think that it is actually rare that the problem is that the person is too nice.


Instead, if this happens to you, it might be helpful to consider the following questions:

• You might have a tendency to choose damaged people who are uncomfortable when they are treated well. If this happens recurrently then you might need to pause and get some help to develop a more workable approach to relationships.
• Perhaps you are creating an unpleasant feeling of obligation in the other person because you always do more for them than they do for you? This is called a reciprocation debt.
• Are you inadvertently communicating a sense that you are nice because you lack confidence in yourself? You don't think you are worthy of love unless you are being nice all the time.
• Are you avoiding expressing your needs and wants? This means that the other person has to do a lot of work guessing what you really want and never gets the opportunity to be generous to you. (for example: If you are assertive and tell me that you want to watch a different TV show to the one I want to watch, then I can say 'Let's watch your show' and feel good about my generosity - giving tends to make us happier than getting) .
• Do you avoid making decisions? It is tiring for your partner to always be the one making the decision. 
• Are you too passive? Do you ever make the first move? If you don't take this risk, is it because you want to avoid being rejected?
• Do you avoid expressing passion and tend to stay safe? (read this poem!)
• Do you use 'being nice' as a way of avoiding authenticity? Perhaps you aren't willing to be vulnerable?

I think that a lot of these behaviours are about trying to avoid the risk of rejection. Sadly, when our focus is on avoiding emotional pain rather than on genuine, authentic connection we actually often seem to make it more likely we will be rejected.

My suggestion here is to get some clarity about who you want to be in a relationship. Decide on your relationship values. Then work out how 'being nice' fits with those values. When we are being kind, generous and compassionate as an expression of who we truly want to be in the world it feels quite different to when we are 'being nice' to try to avoid rejection or risk.

How to Be More Attractive

Research has shown that only a small proportion of our attractiveness is determined by fixed physical qualities. This is good news!
So how can you make the best of yourself?

1. Be kind and likeable - according to David Sloan Wilson (and common sense!) we find people we like, more attractive. If you aren't sure how likeable you are, then take the free IPIP- NEO personality test and check out your score on agreeableness.
2. Present yourself well - clean, well-groomed, nice hair, nice clothes, healthy weight 
3. Be trustworthy but not boring. If you think you might be boring then read this poem - I guarantee that if you live your life in this way, you won't be boring!
4. Be happy, positive and friendly
5. If you are a woman - wear your hair long and wear subtle make up
6. If you are a man - go to the gym and get muscular!

Much of this post is drawn from this blog on the science of attraction.

The Invitation

by Oriah Mountain Dreamer

It doesn't interest me what you do for a living
I want to know what you ache for
and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart's longing.

It doesn't interest me how old you are
I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool
for love
for your dreams
for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn't interest me what planets are squaring your moon...
I want to know if you have touched the center of your own sorrow
if you have been opened by life's betrayals
or have become shrivelled and closed
from fear of further pain.

I want to know if you can sit with pain
mine or your own
without moving to hide it
or fade it
or fix it.

I want to know if you can be with joy
mine or your own
if you can dance with wildness
and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your
fingers and toes
without cautioning us to
be careful
be realistic
to remember the limitations of being human.

It doesn't interest me if the story you are telling me
is true.
I want to know if you can
disappoint another
to be true to yourself.

If you can bear the accusation of betrayal
and not betray your own soul.
If you can be faithless
and therefore trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see Beauty
even when it is not pretty
every day.
And if you can source your own life
from its presence.

I want to know if you can live with failure
yours and mine
and still stand on the edge of the lake
and shout to the silver of the full moon,
"Yes."

It doesn't interest me
to know where you live or how much money you have.
I want to know if you can get up
after a night of grief and despair
weary and bruised to the bone
and do what needs to be done
to feed the children.

It doesn't interest me who you know
or how you came to be here.
I want to know if you will stand
in the center of the fire
with me
and not shrink back.

It doesn't interest me where or what or with whom
you have studied.
I want to know what sustains you
from the inside
when all else falls away.

I want to know if you can be alone
with yourself
and if you truly like the company you keep
in the empty moments.
 

© 1995 by Oriah House, From "Dreams Of Desire"
Published by Mountain Dreaming, 300 Coxwell Avenue, Box 22546, Toronto, Ontario, Canada M4L 2A0

Taking Our Needs Seriously

Sometimes we minimise or invalidate our own needs. When we are tired, we don't rest. When we are hungry, we don't eat. When we are sad, we tell ourselves not to be so stupid. What would it be like if we treated our needs with kindness?
Sometimes we can't get our needs met right away. 'Although I am tired, the baby is crying, so I better push on through' or 'I am feeling so sad, I really need a hug but none of my friends are around' or "I need to debrief my day but you are clearly really busy, so I will wait'
Just because we decide to treat ourselves with kindness doesn't mean we will get all of our needs met but perhaps life would be a little gentler? And perhaps that would be a good thing?

Your Brain Has Two Routes to Happiness

At the level of brain chemistry it seems there are two types of happiness:

1. Feeling emotionally secure, calm and peaceful.
2. Feeling excited, seeking achievement or 'resources' (money, possessions, food, sex etc)

The first type of happiness tends to arise most commonly when we feel cared for or we show caring to ourselves or others. When we feel we belong and are accepted.  

The second type of happiness arises when we pursue goals - at work, playing sport, shopping etc.

The first (feeling calm and safe) is associated with increased wellbeing.  If you struggle to feel calm, peaceful and safe the best route seems to be to build self -compassion.  One way of moving towards self compassion is to practice loving kindness meditation.

Responding with Curiosity

Coert Visser recently wrote a great blogpost about how solution focussed therapists respond to client 'resistance' (for example when clients make comments like 'This isn't working', 'I don't agree', 'That wouldn't work for me'). A solution focussed therapist views this 'resistance' differently to most other therapists. They see 'resistance' as an attempt by the client to make the therapy more useful and so they respond with openness and curiosity ('Tell me what it is about what I am doing that isn't working for you?').

I love this approach. It is so respectful and ultimately more effective than the approaches taken by many therapists of:

• Analysing what this 'resistance' means
• Implying that the client isn't committed to change
• Suggesting that this is a way of avoiding 'doing the work'
• Taking it personally and getting defensive!

I think that this approach of curiosity is useful in other areas of life. When my partner or co-worker or child 'resists' me - could I pause a moment, be open to the idea that they might have a point and get curious?

What Do You Want the Next 10 Years to Be Like?

In your life, do you:
Get into 'flow'- where you feel so deeply absorbed in what you are doing that you hardly notice time passing?
Do things that feel deeply meaningful to you?
Express and receive love and friendship?
Feel joy?
Achieve things that feel worthwhile to you?

According to Martin Seligman these are the foundations of a life well-lived. If these things have been happening in your life fairly consistently you are likely to be flourishing. If they aren't happening often enough for you - what do you need to do for the next 10 years of your life to be different?