'Live as you will have wished to have lived when you are dying.'

Christian Furchtegott Gellert

Mindfully Dealing with Anger

Years ago, when I was a psychiatrist, I used to treat clients for problems with anger. One of the most useful strategies I taught my clients was to get good at noticing when their anger was just starting to rise (say from 4/10 to 5/10) and at that moment to pause and decide what action would be wisest. It worked like a charm. The majority of people with anger issues often let their anger bubble up to 9/10 and then find themselves acting out their rage.


Mindfulness  can make this strategy even more powerful. Mindful responses to anger involve becoming really curious about how anger feels in your body. Getting good at noticing those early signs, knowing what 5/10 feels like for you - perhaps it is a tension in your jaw, a slight churning feeling in the stomach? Noticing what your mind does when you are feeling angry - does it rage at the injustice or tell you that it isn't important, don't make a fuss?  Mindfulness involves getting good at holding those thoughts lightly and becoming better able to have those feelings without acting them out.


And then choosing what to do next based on values. Who do I want to be in the world? What do I want my life to stand for? How would I express that in my actions in this moment now?

Overcoming Self-Defeating Patterns of Behaviour

Most of us have some familiar self-defeating patterns of behaviour. It could be:

• Eating junk food when stressed or sad
• Trying to control other people 
• Dating people who don't treat us well
• Working too hard
• Spending too much time sitting watching bad TV
• ......the list goes on....

Most of us have also spent a lot of time figuring out 'What makes me act in this way?' and sometimes that is helpful. But I want to suggest an alternative strategy based on solution-focussed techniques:

1. Work out what behaviour you would like to do instead. For example: 'When I am stressed, I would like to nurture myself with delicious, healthy food'

2. Decide how that behaviour links to your values. (What you want your life to be about, Who you want to be in the world): I want to look after my body so that I give myself the best chance of living to a healthy old age where I can be a loving Mum, good friend, caring partner and continue to do the things I enjoy.

3. Ask yourself: Have there been any times when I have chosen the preferred behaviour? Have there been times when I have been stressed and I have eaten healthy food? What were the circumstances? What was different about those times? I didn't have to cook alone - I was either with someone who I enjoy preparing a meal with or I bought something easy and healthy that I could just heat up.

4. Could you make that happen more often when you are stressed? Probably.

5. Make a plan. 

When I cook a healthy meal, I will do a little extra and put it in the freezer so I can heat it up when I am tired and stressed

If I know I have got a stressful week coming up, I will schedule time to cook and eat with my loved ones. 

6. Start with one small step

7. Expect setbacks and lapses and respond to them with compassion

Some Research On the Benefits of Mindfulness Meditation

I am soon to give a speech on mindfulness in group work at the Institute of Group Leaders Conference in Sydney, so I thought I should pull together some of the recent research on the effects of mindfulness meditation. Here is what I came up with:

http://www.springerlink.com/content/720772266xj33972/ - The effect of mindfulness meditation  on stress reduction and rumination

http://www.springerlink.com/content/n26838t52m727u13/ - The effects of Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction (MBSR) on health and well being

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/curious/201001/what-maids-teach-us-about-physical-health-and-life-longevity-lesson-in-mindfulne - The benefits of mindfully doing housework

http://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/10.1111/j.1752-0606.2007.00032.x/full - Mindful relating in intimate relationships

http://www.ingentaconnect.com/content/springer/jcogp/2006/00000020/00000002/art00003 - Mindfulness and Positive Emotion

http://psycnet.apa.org/journals/ccp/68/4/615/  - Mindfulness based CBT

http://adviceonlifeandlove.blogspot.com/2010/09/mindfulness-and-acceptance-are.html - Mindfulness, acceptance and exercise maintenance

http://adviceonlifeandlove.blogspot.com/2010/12/everyday-mindfulness-v-mindfulness.html - The benefits of every day mindfulness

http://www.webmd.com/ibs/news/20110510/mindfulness-meditation-may-cut-ibs-symptoms - Mindfulness meditation and irritable bowel syndrome

http://www.webmd.com/multiple-sclerosis/news/20100927/mindfulness-meditation-vs-multiple-sclerosis - The effects of mindfulness meditation on well-being in people living with Multiple Sclerosis

http://women.webmd.com/news/20110603/stress-reduction-technique-may-ease-hot-flashes

http://chp.sagepub.com/content/13/1/34.short - Mindfulness for adolescents with learning difficulties

http://www.jimhopper.com/pdfs/Baer2003.pdf - Excellent review of mindfulness training as a clinical intervention by Ruth Baer

Do The Next Right Thing and Let That Be Enough

"Believe deep down in your heart that you're destined to do great things” ~Joe Paterno

This quote turned up in my twitter stream yesterday. It looks benign. It looks helpful. But it is seriously problematic.

Firstly, it implies that not only is it very important to get our 'beliefs' right but also that we can chose those beliefs. And this, ladies and gentlemen, is a con. We can try really hard to brain wash ourselves. We can repeat positive affirmations over and over. But deep down in our hearts most of us carry a secret  - that we aren't good enough. That we are too...something. Too selfish, too weak, too loud, too quiet, too greedy, too boring....if you dig around inside yourself and sit with the discomfort for a moment, you will be able to add your own words.

The brainwashing of our society makes the burden of that secret even harder to bear. Because apparently what we should be doing is believing deep down in our hearts that we are destined for something great. So we have failed before we have even started.

The quote also implies that we are all destined to do great things (as long as we get our thoughts stacked up right). And this is madness. What most of us are destined for is a life of ordinariness - raising children, working for a living, loving our family and friends. I think that chasing success and greatness are actually distractions from the challenge of doing the ordinary stuff well. I suspect that we want that distraction because it is actually really hard to do that stuff well.

I think a better quote would go something like:

'Even on the days when you worry that you are a fool and a failure; be kind and compassionate.  Come back to the present moment and do the next right thing. And let that be enough.'

I am paraphrasing Kelly Wilson here: In Appreciation of Crashing, Bliss Following, Hero's Journeying, and Practice.

How about it? Will you join me in doing the next right thing and let that be enough?


(This post first appeared on my other blog: Working With ACT)

Mindful Engagement

We can so easily half engage with the people we love. We listen to the same anecdotes over and over and it is easy to become bored and impatient. But we also know that kind attention at these times is a gift and a genuine act of love.
Russ Harris suggests mindfully engaging with our loved ones. This includes, observing with openness and curiosity, as if you are seeing it for the first time:

• Your loved ones expression. See if you can trace what they are expressing with their face. Watch the movement of their lips, the lines and creases that come and go as their expression changes.
• Their body language. How do they move their arms, legs, hands, feet, body? How do they hold their body as they talk?
• The rhythm and sound of their voice. The words they use. The subtle changes in tempo and tone.

Your mind may distract you with it's stories and judgements - mindfully bring your attention back to this moment now, with this person. This person you love.

The Benefits of Planning

My grandfather wanted our family to have a motto ( I know - I am not the only member of my family who can be a little eccentric!) and (Yes it gets worse...) he wanted it to be:

'Do not falter, do not shrink. First think out your work, then work out your think'

Like most of Grandad's daft ideas - there is some sense in it. Although the 1930's chirpiness of his chosen motto is a little dated, the underlying idea that it is often a good idea to :

1. Persist in the face of difficulty
2. Make a plan, and,
3. Follow the plan

are very sound. As long as you are also open to changing the plan as new information arises.